Total Drama: Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty
by The Cheesebub
Summary: Get ready for a season of TD unlike any other! 18 campers from seasons' past return to Pahkitew Island, where they'll compete in the ultimate battle for dominance. Which trait will prevail? Along the way, there's sure to be tons of shocking twists, high stakes drama, touching romance, and of course... DUNCAN! Did I mention Duncan! Your favorite character, Duncan! He's here too!
1. E1P1: Let's Get This Trainwreck Started

**Total Drama: Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty**

 **Episode 1 Part 1-Chapter 1: Let's Get This Trainwreck Started**

"TOTAL DRAMA IS BACK, BABY!" Chris Mclean screamed, thrusting his hands wildly up towards the sky, his voice crackling with desperate excitement. The host pointed towards the camera, flashing his iconic pearly whites, as he stood on a remote beach.

"Welcome back, everyone. I've missed you. You may have been wondering where we've been. After all, it's been almost two years since you last saw us, back during one of our most iconic seasons, Total Drama: Pahkitew Island. I mean, all of our seasons are iconic, of course. They have to be, given that _we pioneered the very existence of reality TV_." The camera followed Chris as he began to stroll down the beach.

"And yet, _some_ people seem to have forgotten all about us! They think we're old news, now that there are all these _other_ shows appearing out of _literally_ nowhere, claiming they're the next big thing, when in fact, they're just a little boy trying on their father's suit. But daddy's home, and now it's time for his pathetic son to go to bed." Chris came to a stop next to a tree, and rested his hand against it.

"I mean, come on. Did you really think a guy named DON could ever steal MY throne? That middle-of-the-road, cardboard cutout of a man? Yeah, no," Chris laughed, and looked sternly at the camera. "Sorry, DON, but you're DONE. Between your show and my show, there ain't even a race, let alone a 'ridonculous' one. What kind of word is 'ridonculous', anyway? Such a childish word. Do you think our audience is full of children, Don? Huh? That's just disrespectful. Screw you, Don. I hate your stupid puke-green jacket; I hate your weird, sudden Canadian pronunciation of vowels on random occasions; I hate your relatively higher standing among the Internet fan community solely on the basis of you being a completely vanilla nonfactor in your season! I hate everything about you!" Chris roared, flecks of spittle spraying from his mouth. He then took a deep breath.

"Okay, I'm done. Just had to get that off my chest. Which, by the way, is far broader and manlier than Don's is. Yeah, I know it doesn't look that way. But I swear to God he wears a corset under there. Anyways, getting back on topic...

"The Ridonculous Race loved to brag about all the exciting places it took its contestants: Paris, Australia, Africa, New York, for example. Hmm… wait a minute… those places sound familiar. Almost like we did the exact same thing five years before them! But I digress. We knew we wanted to up the ante for the location of our season. Take it to the next level, y'know? So we did. Show 'em!"

Chris walked down the beach as the camera panned out, revealing a familiar landscape of rolling green hills and forests, accented by a stiff gray cliffs and sandy beaches.

"…Yes, we're back at Pahkitew Island. And I know what you must be thinking. 'Chris, how is that any different?' Well… it's not. See? You thought we were gonna be somewhere new. Then I flipped the script on you. That's because Total Drama is full of surprises. You never know what will happen next. And this season will be filled with even more twists and turns than ever before! So let's get right into it.

"We've brought back 18 contestants, all from seasons past. They're an eclectic mix of franchise icons, under-the-radar fan favorites, and controversial figureheads. The perfect recipe to keep us from getting cancelle—uh, bring you, the viewers, wholesome entertainment. The only thing these contestants have in common is that they fit into one of three groups."

Chef Hatchet, looking especially gloomy, rolled in a flat-screen TV. Displayed on the screen were three circular team tokens: one with a green symbol in the shape of a brain, one with a yellow symbol in a weird, lumpy 'L' shape, and one with a pink symbol in the shape of Chris's face. Chris beckoned to the screen, grinning.

"Brains, brawn, and beauty. Those are our three teams this season. Each team will consist of the 6 former players that best exemplify that specific trait. Now, what do these words mean? If you're asking that question, you might not belong on the 'Brains' team." Chris pointed to the green brain symbol.

"The 6 players on Brains have shown supreme intellect both in their daily lives and during their time in the game. They are cunning, witty, ruthless, and know how to solve any problem. They can think outside of the box, but also know how to thrive under the governance of the game's rules. Their intelligence is truly their greatest asset, both on and off the island," Chris explained. Chef immediately frowned and raised his hand.

"Wait, man, now that can't be right," Chef said. "We can't have a "brains" team. All those campers are dumb as **************!"

"Chef, just because _you_ didn't get put on the Brains, doesn't mean you need to be salty about it," Chris said, wagging a finger at the cook. "Besides, we most _certainly_ have had smart people on our seasons. I would know, as I myself am, in fact, smart. Smart people can tell who the other smart people are. It's like echologication, or something. Is that the right word?"

"Chris, you may be the dumbest f**k there is," Chef laughed. Chris crossed his arms and stuck out his lip.

"Y _ou're_ one to talk, Hatchet. At least _I_ got my high school diploma!" he spat.

"You mean that 'diploma' you drew for yourself with crayon, and then used as a handkerchief as you sobbed and watched _School House Rock_ for the next 14 hours?" Chef responded, rolling his eyes.

"We swore never to bring that up!" Chris gasped.

"Well, I did. Sad, man. Had to write yourself your own diploma just to feel like man," chuckled Chef.

"Well, you probably don't even _know_ how to write!"

"Neither do you, apparently, given that you still haven't written my paycheck!"

"Well, you haven't written _my_ paycheck."

"That's 'cause you write your own damn paycheck!" Chef yelled.

"True that. And you know why that's the case? It's because I made it further in life than you did. Because I'm smarter," Chris declared. "Checkmate."

"Just keep telling yourself that."

"I will. I'm smarter than Chef. I'm smarter than Chef. I'm smarter than Chef. I'm smarter than—"

"Boy, don't make me come over there and deliver a paycheck to your ASS!"

"Why do all your 'violent' threats always sound so homoerotic?"

"Oh HELL no—"

Suddenly, the sound of beating helicopter blades filled the air. A shadow had appeared in the sky, and was now beginning its decent. As it got closer, it revealed itself to be a massive green helicopter, glinting in the sunlight. The helicopter touched down on the beach, whipping the sand up around it and forcing Chef and Chris to cover their eyes. Slowly, the propeller came to a stop, and the helicopter came to a rest. Chris beamed at the camera.

"It appears the Brains have arrived!" he declared. "Sequestered from one another within that helicopter are six of the smartest individuals to play the game."

Suddenly, the door to the helicopter slammed open, and the passengers began to step out.

"NO!" Chris screamed, his voice cracking. "Get back in there! I have to introduce you one-by-one! You KNOW that!"

A familiar voice responded.

"Actually, Chris, according to my calculations, now that you've spent the first 42 percent of the episode ranting about Don and arguing with Chef, you'll only barely have the room to give a singular introduction to each contestant before you run out of airtime. An episode so uneventful is unlikely to retain many viewers. Given the current downward logarithmic trend of the ratings of your show in comparison to the far more compelling program _The Ridonculous Race_ , it is in your best economic interest to introduce each group at once. Just mathematically speaking."

Chris sighed. "I can already tell this team is going to be precious. Just everyone get back in there and don't come out until you get the signal! Except for you, Harold. You already spoke, so let's get you over with."

The nerdy, ginger-haired 18-year-old stepped out of the helicopter, lugging his keyboard.

"Gosh, I'm just looking out for the show's best interests, Chris. You know I'm as big a Total Drama fan as anyone." Chris half-heartedly gestured in his direction.

"Harold, ladies and gentlemen. Back for his fourth go at the million. Someone I'm sure we _all_ wanted to see back."

Harold smiled and bowed at the camera, before walking up to Chris and extending his arms outward. Chris stared at him.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to hug you."

"No. You're not doing that. You're going far away from me right now before I kick you in your Captain Kirks."

"Aw, c'mon. It's been so long since we last saw each other, Chris!" Harold protested.

"Not long enough. I didn't even want you back. You seriously creep me out. You're only back because the producers needed someone to appeal to the socially inept portion of our audience," said Chris.

"A burden I am proud to bear," Harold proudly declared. "I do not intend to let them down. Because for this season, I've mastered my skills. I am the _guaranteed winner_!"

"I'm sure that's a quote that will be replayed multiple times at the first Aftermath show to great comedic effect," Chris said. "Now please move along."

"So that's a 'no' on the hug?"

"MOVE IT!"

Harold sheepishly picked up his keyboard and moved off to the side.

"Now then," Chris returned to addressing the audience. "Our next member of the Brains- Harold, you're breathing way too loud. Go farther away. Thank you. Anyways, she is a fiery, independent woman, a former counselor in training who showed time and time again to have the mental fortitude to last long into this game." He paused. "Well, except in that one episode. Let's welcome back Courtney!"

Courtney stormed out of the helicopter and up to Chris. She jammed a finger into the host's chest.

"We _don't_ talk about that episode. _Ever_ ," she growled. Chris held his hands up in self-defense.

"Sorry! I know it's a touchy subject with you. But just to clue in the viewers who are dying to know, how are things with Scott?"

"None of their business."

"C'mon, Courtney! Give us _something_. Scourtney swept the nation like an epidemic during All Stars! I guess a more direct question would be, how many redneck children have you birthed him thus far?"

"None, you disgusting moron!" Courtney stammered, blushing slightly. "Look, Scott is _not_ a part of my life. In fact, he never _was_ a part of my life. After all, _I_ don't even consider All-Stars canon."

"That's not how it works."

"I know," Courtney sighed. "But we can still move on, right? This is a new season. A new year. A new Courtney."

"I can respect that," Chris said, smiling. "Look, I really don't want us to get off on the wrong foot, what with the new season and all. What I said was in poor taste, and I apologize. So how can I make it up to you?" He paused, and then smirked. "I know! Do you like ice cream? How about I make you a sundae?"

Courtney snarled and clenched her fist. Chris jumped back in fear.

"Sorry! Last season 5 joke, I swear."

"It better be," Courtney growled, before grabbing her suitcase and walking down the beach. She paused in front of Harold, as the nerd waved at her, before shaking her head in disgust and continuing onward, standing ten yards away.

Chris smiled at the camera once more.

"Let's continue. Our next contestant is a traitorous, two-faced piece of scum, the epitome of societal decay. He is such a shallow, basic famewhore that he decided to jump ship and appear on another show, just for a few more minutes of camera time, like a heroin addict. Then he had to get down on his hands and knees and beg and grovel like a filthy sewer rat just for me to let him back on the show. And I only did it because I know he will get voted out quickly in humiliating fashion. Everyone's favorite lovable bookworm, Noah!"

Noah stepped out of the helicopter and down onto the beach, holding a suitcase.

"Thanks for the unbiased introduction, Chris," he said.

"I do my best," Chris responded, eyeing Noah with disgust. "So… how was your… _vacation_?"

"Superb."

"I have a question, Noah. Do you understand the word 'loyalty'? Or is that a foreign concept to you?"

"Chris."

"Don't you 'Chris' me! Traitor! TRAITOR!" Chris screamed.

"Chris, I appeared on another TV show. I didn't murder your firstborn child," Noah said.

"Total Drama _is_ my firstborn child!"

"Well, that's weird."

"What did Don say about me?! WHAT DID HE SAY?!"

"Nothing."

"Liar! You lie like a dog!"

"Dude, just calm down. Ridonculous Race is in the past. I'm back on your show, like you wanted. Isn't that all that matters?"

Chris breathed a long, deep sigh. "I guess. As long as you've learned your lesson, and now realize how much better of an experience Total Drama is."

"But then I'd be lying."

Chris's eyes widened. "Why you… you take that back! What did _Don_ 's show do for you that mine didn't?"

"Well, it got me a girlfriend, for one."

"So?! The girl is temporary. _My_ show gave you the core values that will last you your entire life! It taught you the importance of hard work, perseverance, and strength of character!"

Noah laughed. "No. Total Drama taught me that none of those things matter when your entire fate is dictated by a forty-year old manchild with a God complex."

Chris raised his hand, ready to strike. "How dare you defile me and the show in such a manner!? Don't assume I won't hesitate to eliminate you myself!"

"Sort of proving my point here, Chris."

Chris narrowed his eyes at Noah.

"Fine. Keep making those hurtful, untrue claims," the host said. "But just remember, _here_ you won't have Owen to literally carry you through the competition. So when you inevitably collapse from exhaustion five minutes into the first challenge, don't come crying to me."

"Cool. Sounds like a plan."

Noah picked up his bag and began making his way down the beach. Chris cupped his hand to his mouth and called after him.

"Also, just so you know, you're not on the Brains because you're smart! It's only because you fit into the other categories even less!"

Noah didn't respond. He glanced at Harold and Courtney, the former of whom nodded respectfully to him, while the ladder ignored him. His eyes moved back and forth between them, as he tried to decide which person he would rather stand closer to. Finally, he came to a compromise, and walked past both of them, standing another ten yards further down the beach.

"It's so nice to see that team unity already forming," Chris chuckled. He turned back to the camera. "Three Brains revealed, and three more to go! The next team member is among the most iconic characters on all of TV and perhaps the face of the Total Drama franchise, aside from yours truly."

"Oh, I didn't know Sadie was back for another season," Noah chipped in.

"Ha ha ha." Chris rolled his eyes. "First sarcastic quip of the season, and Noah's already killing it. No, the contestant is not Sadie. Unfortunately, Sadie will not be joining us this season. And for the record, it's not because she's fat. I am not fatphobic. It's not like I'm afraid of fat people or something. I just don't want them coming near my house."

"That's pretty fatphobic, Chris."

"I didn't ask for your input, Harold. Anyways, this character is, I daresay, the greatest strategist this game has ever seen. She's already won once—well, at least I think she won? Alejandro was _technically_ the winner because he won in Canada, but that was already _after_ she won in America, so… that sh** is hella confusing. Anyways- it's Heather!" Chris proclaimed.

As Heather stepped out of the helicopter, the host continued his monologue.

"Heather was Total Drama's very first villain. She knows what she wants and exactly how to get it. Her strategic smarts have proven effective, eliminating a record amount of contestants. She competes with her sights solely on the prize money and not on making friends, using others at her advantage and only being kind when she may ultimately be benefited. But how will she cope when faced with contestants of similar mental stature?"

Heather laughed as she came to a stop in front of the other contestants.

"Harold? _Courtney_? Did you seriously just say that they're of the same mental stature as me?" she asked incredulously. Courtney crossed her arms.

"Just to remind me, how did you get eliminated last season, again?" she asked, smiling.

"I wasn't on Pahkitew Island, stupid," Heather quickly responded, turning away.

"You know which season I'm talking about," Courtney said, her smile turning to a smirk. "I'll remind you. You found something that would guarantee your safety in the game, and then proceeded to _put it back under a rock_. What was the strategy behind _that_ move?"

Heather paused for a moment, before speaking again.

"Well, you put your tongue inside of Scott's mouth."

"How is that a retort?!" Courtney yelled.

"I'm just reminding you. You actually _did_ that. No matter what I do, that will always put me above you," Heather said, smiling back. Courtney clenched her teeth.

"That's all in the past! Scott and I are done. Can't say the same for you, though. You keep coming back to Alejandro like an abused housewife!"

"You're just bitter because Alejandro wasn't interested in your thirsty ass."

Courtney glared at her. "Why are you even back?"

"I enjoy winning."

"No, I mean, like, who _invited_ you back?"

"The producers of the show. You wouldn't _believe_ what they're paying me for each episode," Heather said. Courtney looked at Chris, who turned away, whistling. Heather smirked. "So, who's gonna be Courtney's new hookup this season? Given that Scott certainly won't be on any of these three teams. How about Noah?"

Noah held up his hand. "Sorry, but I'm taken."

"Hasn't stopped Courtney before," Heather chuckled. Courtney turned to Chris.

"Chris, can we just vote Heather off right now?" she asked.

"Hahaha… good one," Chris laughed. "No. This is called Total _Drama_ for a reason. And like it or not, Heather brings the drama. It's why we keep bringing her back." He pointed to Noah. "Do you think we want _that_ guy as the centerpiece for the season? No. I don't think so. He's nothing but a prop for the _real_ stars."

"Fine by me," Noah said, focused on his book. "Let them have at it."

"Pitiful," Chris muttered to himself, shaking his head in disgust. He turned back to Heather. "All right, move along. We don't have all day."

Heather reached for her suitcase, but Harold sprinted over and picked it up for her.

"I've got it. I had a feeling you'd have a suitcase that would need to be carried. Luckily, I've been practicing carrying suitcases all summer. I'm like, a suitcase-carrying god," he said. Heather smiled warmly back at him.

" _Thank you_ , Harold. Such a _gentleman_!"

Harold blushed.

"No problem! We're teammates, after all."

As the two made their way down the beach, Heather turned and winked at Courtney. The C.I.T. swallowed deeply, trying to control her anger.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Courtney: Without a doubt, Heather wants me gone first. I'm her biggest threat. If I'm gone, she'll have complete control of the Brains. She's already swinging people to her side. I have to stop her. Whatever it ta—(Chris suddenly sticks his head in.)**

 **Chris: Hey! Did I say you could use this yet?**

 **Courtney: But I really had something I needed to—**

 **Chris: NO! Get out of here!**

 **Courtney: Ugh… fine. But I'll be back.**

 **End of Confessionals**

"The fifth brain has played twice before, winning once, and was a contestant on Total Drama All-Stars, where he spent time on the Villainous Vultures."

This caught everyone's attention, Heather in particular. Chris continued his spiel.

"He's dark… intelligent… charming... handsome…"

Heather's eyes lit up at these words.

"He likes to dress in red…"

A smile began to creep across Heather's face.

"I think Heather knows who I'm talking about," Chris laughed. "Say it with me, Heather!"

The two yelled out in unison.

"Alejan—

"CAMERON!"

"Huh?!" Heather exclaimed.

With a grin, Chris beckoned towards the helicopter door, where the bubble-boy had appeared, waving sheepishly at everyone. Heather groaned.

"Ugh… damn you, Chris."

Chris turned toward her, an innocent look on his face.

"Wait… who were _you_ thinking of?" he asked.

"Certainly not _that_ thing," Heather muttered.

"Well, that thing is here, and its name is Cameron," Chris said, "And you will show him some goddamn respect. Sure, maybe you weren't expecting him. And yes, he may be short. But he is a human being! A living, breathing life form! He is not an object. He is not a 'thing'. If anything, he is an inspiration!"

Harold nodded with approval.

"Quite true," the geek concurred. "Cameron is a beacon of hope for every nerd out there. He finally proved that we could, in fact, beat the bully. I still remember that night of the finale of Total Drama: Revenge of the Island. I watched as Cameron crushed Lightning in epic fashion, and pretended I was him. For a brief moment, I was able to escape my own inability to defeat my foes. He gave me a joyous respite from the painful horrors of the real world, and for that, I will always be grateful. I am personally thrilled to have him on my team."

"Wow, Harold! Thanks!" Cameron exclaimed as he approached. "I was a big fan of yours, too! You were awesome!"

Harold's face lit up at this, and his eyes filled with tears.

"That brings me great joy, Cameron. I cannot wait to see what the future brings, with you as my team member."

"Yeah! I feel the exact same way!"

Heather rolled her eyes.

"Can you two please go somewhere private? I'm really not here to listen to two nerds verbally make out with each other," she said. The queen bee then turned to Chris. "Okay, Chris. Cameron's here. Next person."

Courtney suddenly pushed past Heather and placed a friendly hand on Cameron's shoulder.

"Don't worry about her, Cameron. _Most_ of us are thrilled to see you. Including me. You're awesome, Cameron."

"Wow, Courtney! Thanks!" Cameron laughed. "I'm glad to see you too!"

Heather looked as if she were about to vomit.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Heather: So, it seems Courtney has caught on to my plan to gain the numbers right off the bat. Now the bitch is trying to do the same thing. And already, she has the edge with Cameron. *sigh*… Maybe I should've been a bit more welcoming. But I'm sorry, I just couldn't bring myself to stoop to that level. I have standards! I'm not about to—(Chris sticks his head in.)**

 **Chris: Damn it! Do I need to lock this thing already? Get out!**

 **Heather: No way. If I want to confess, I will!**

 **Chris: CHEF!**

 **Heather: Okay, okay! I'm getting out. Just don't bring Chef over. Please.**

 **End of Confessionals**

"One more Brain left to reveal! Any guesses? Noah? Who do you think it is, based on the makeup of your team thus far?" Chris asked the know-it-all. Noah shrugged, barely glancing up from his book.

"Well, given that your first five picks have had no rhyme or reason to them and half of the people barely fit the category, I really have no way of knowing. My money's still on Sadie."

"My God, I hate you," Chris sighed. "No, once again, it is not Sadie." A faint smile appeared on the host's face. "I think I'll just let her reveal herself, and you people can react accordingly." He turned towards the helicopter and cupped his hands to his mouth. "Come on out!"

A tall shadow appeared in the doorway, looming quietly. The person slowly stepped out into the sunlight, revealing long red hair, tied neatly into a bun. Large shaded glasses rested on the brim of a pointy nose, and the person wore a neatly matted yellow sweater and turquoise skirt. She began walking towards them.

The other campers' eyes slowly widened as they realized who it was.

"No way…" Courtney gasped. "They brought _her_ back?"

"Are you insane?!" Heather whispered to Chris.

"This is not good… not good at all…" Cameron murmured.

Noah looked up from his book, and then glanced over at the contestant and back at his terrified teammates.

"Um, I'm sorry, but are we supposed to know who that person is?" he asked.

Courtney turned to him in surprise.

"Yes! Haven't you seen Pahkitew Island?" she whispered.

Noah shook his head. "No. I don't watch this show. It's trash."

"Just keep digging that hole deeper, won't you?" Chris growled.

The new contestant finally came to a stop in front of the five others. She turned to face them.

"Hello, everyone. My name is Scarlett. It's very nice to meet you all."

The rest of the Brains could only stare at her, speechless. Except for Noah, who shrugged and extended a hand.

"Cool. I'm Noah. So, are you like, Harold's cousin, or something?"

Scarlett laughed and shook his hand. "No. Harold and I do not share the same familiar origins. We both just happened to inherit the recessive genes of red hair and a love for learning."

"All right," Noah chuckled. He turned back to his teammates. "I don't know, guys. She seems all right to me. Just your typical nerd."

"Yeah," Heather hissed. "Just your typical nerd who tried to kill everyone on her season!" The raven-haired girl glared at Chris. "You didn't answer my question! Why is she here?"

"Why not?" Chris asked.

"I just told you! She's a murderous sociopath!"

"So? That's never stopped the casting department before."

Courtney gritted her teeth in anger.

"This is _completely_ unacceptable, Chris. Scarlett has a proven history of mental illness, and yet you still brought her back! You are putting everyone's lives in immediate danger, including her own! That is inexcusable negligence on your part. If you don't take her away right now, you'll be speaking to my lawyer!"

"And there we go. I was waiting for you to mention your lawyer, who I'm 96 percent certain doesn't even exist," Chris chuckled. "Look, all jokes aside, Scarlett has gone through a lot of therapy since Pahkitew. And I'm telling you, she's fine now. She passed the psych test with flying colors, and she hasn't daydreamed about killing anyone in months. Isn't that right, Scarlett?"

Scarlett slowly nodded.

"It's true," she said. "Look, I know my past is… ugly. But I've changed. I don't want to take over the world and enslave mankind anymore. I have no desire to cause pain to those who defy me. And my hair no longer turns into a giant crazy mullet when I untie it."

"Oh yeah, that thing was hideous," Courtney said in disgust.

"It was… not my best look," Scarlett concurred. "I know I cannot change the past. But I can only hope that this season, I can prove myself worthy of your forgiveness."

Cameron tapped his chin, puzzling it over.

"If what you're saying is true, then I'm confused," he said, frowning. "I'm fairly certain the only reason you were cast in the first place is _because_ you were crazy. Why would they bring you back if you were just a normal girl now?"

"Because," Chris said, "at the end of the day, she has the highest IQ of any contestant ever on the show. I would know, as I myself have a very high IQ. And objectively speaking, that means she should be our first pick for the Brains team."

Courtney thought for a long time, before finally relenting.

"...Fine. She can stay. But I think I speak for everyone when I say that she has a _very_ uphill battle towards gaining our trust."

"Not mine," Heather broke in. " _I_ trust her." She smiled at Scarlett and extended her hand. "Welcome to the team, Scarlett."

"Thank you, Heather," Scarlett said, shaking it.

"No problem. I love your skirt, by the way! It's so… long!"

"Thanks."

"And just so you know, I think you _totally_ rocked that mullet back in Pahkitew. If you ever want to bring it back, feel free."

Scarlett nodded. "Thank you, Heather. I appreciate the kind words, even if they _are_ a barely-concealed, shallow attempt to garner my trust."

Heather stopped smiling. Courtney, meanwhile, could barely contain her laughter.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Courtney: Maybe this Scarlett girl isn't so bad after all. (Chris sticks his head in.)**

 **Chris: DO YOU JUST WANT TO LIVE IN HERE?! BECAUSE I CAN MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS!**

 **End of Confessionals**

"So, we have our six members of the Brains," Chris declared, beckoning to his right. "Courtney, Heather, Cameron, Harold, Scarlett, and… yes, _technically_ Noah. The nerds of this season." He grinned. "But what would a nerd be without a bully or two?"

"A more confident person?"

"No. That's stupid, Harold. Bullies are great, and a necessary part of life. They teach the weak to fend for themselves, to strive to become stronger, to fight to prove them wrong, and when all else fails, to lie awake at night plotting their demise, picturing that fateful moment when you destroy them, wrapping your hands around their throat, watching the life drain out of Don's eyes as he—" Chris quickly cut himself off, noticing everyone staring at him. "Um, anyways, it's time to introduce the Brawns!"

"Are we sure _Chris_ passed the psych test before this season?" Courtney asked nervously.

"Yes, Courtney, I _did_ ," responded Chris. "And it's not like I barely passed or anything, either. No, I got a _D plus_. My mom put it up on her fridge and everything! So there!" He stuck his tongue out at her. "Now, returning to the matter at hand…"

He pressed a button on his remote, and the yellow Brawn token reappeared onscreen, displaying the same lumpy L shape from before. Chris beckoned to the screen.

"The Brawns are defined by their—"

"Okay, what the hell is that logo supposed to be?" Heather asked.

"What? It's a bicep! What else does it look like?"

"I have no idea. But it's awful looking. You should fire your art department."

" _I'm_ the art department! C'mon! It's obviously a bicep! How can you not see it?" Chris exclaimed.

"Well, whose bicep is it supposed to be?"

"My bicep, obviously!"

"Okay, well that makes more sense now."

"Oh, _hell_ no—"

"Chris, can you please not get distracted?" Scarlett asked.

" _She_ started it," Chris muttered, holding his upper arm. "As I was saying, the Brawns are defined by their strength. For some, that simply means physical strength. For others, that refers to their aggressive style of gameplay. And for a few, it refers more to their inner strength: their honesty, their courage, and their leadership."

"Sounds exactly like Sadie."

"Will you SHUT UP about Sadie?!" Chris yelled at Noah. Suddenly, the sound of a loud engine roared through the air, and everyone turned to the source of the noise. There, rising over the horizon, was a large yellow truck, driving towards them. "And here comes the first of the Brawns!"

Courtney raised an eyebrow. "Wait. They each got their own truck?"

"Well, we didn't exactly want them all to be dead before they even got here."

"What do you mean by th… oh," Courtney trailed off as she recognized the figure standing at the helm of the truck, black ponytail billowing in the wind.

The truck finally reached the beach and ground to a halt, kicking up sand. The figure jumped down from the front, shaking the ground. She grabbed her bag, her muscles rippling under her sleeveless navy shirt. Everyone held their breath as she slowly turned her head towards the others. Then, suddenly, she jumped all the way around, her legs spread wide and her eyes bloodshot.

"WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?! HUH?!"

Everyone flinched, backing away from her.

"N-nothing, Eva!" Courtney stuttered.

"Y-yeah! We're just… surprised to see you!" Cameron squeaked.

"WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED TO SEE ME?! BECAUSE YOU DON'T THINK I DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE?! HUH?!" Eva screamed, storming towards Cameron.

"N-no!" Cameron squealed. "You deserve it more than anyone!"

"AND WHY IS _THAT_?! BECAUSE YOU PITY ME?!"

"No! It's just, you haven't been back since the first season, and, I mean, you're such a big character, so you—

"ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!" Eva roared, now just inches away from Cameron's face. The nerd began shrinking towards the ground, trembling.

"No! You look great! You're a beautiful woman!" he cried.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW I DON'T IDENTIFY AS A MAN?!"

"Oh, I didn't know! I'm sorry!"

"ARE YOU SAYING I _LOOK_ LIKE A MAN?!"

"No? Yes? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME HERE!" Cameron sobbed, now curled up in a ball.

Chris slowly walked up behind Eva and placed a hand on her shoulder. The workout buff swiveled around to face him.

"WHAT?!"

Chris flinched, before smiling at her.

"Listen, Eva… I love the energy you're bringing right out the gate, it's some great TV. But you're kind of at a 10 right now, I need you to take it down to about a 6. Do you think you can do that for me?"

"SCREW YOU, HOST!"

"Fine then," Chris sighed, and whipped out a tranq gun. Before she had time to react, he fired it into her leg. Eva's eyes slowly rolled back into her head, and she dropped to the ground, unconscious. Cameron opened his eyes, saw the collapsed bodybuilder, and wiped the sweat from his brow. He stood up.

"What did I do to make her so angry?"

Chris shrugged. "Eva's just had a long day."

"It's 10 in the morning!" Heather exclaimed, "And you're telling me SHE passed the psyche test?"

"No, she didn't. But physically, Eva's the strongest contestant that's ever been on this show, so we had to bring her back," Chris explained. He then held up the tranq gun. "But I've got lots of ammunition for this thing, so you all should be fine. That being said, if you ever encounter her and I'm not around, just treat the situation like you would if you encountered a bear. Make yourself look big. Maybe throw a rock at her, if there's one nearby. But don't try to run away, whatever you do."

Courtney scowled. "That's so not—" However, she was cut off as another truck came roaring over the horizon. Chris turned and grinned at the camera.

"Our next member of the Brawns has played twice before, but has never won. She's known for her competitive spirit, take-no-prisoners attitude, and extremely suspect fashion sense. Jo, everyone!"

Heather and Courtney audibly groaned, while Cameron hid behind Harold, who patted him tenderly on the back.

The truck screeched to a halt in front of the host, and Jo lunged out, wearing her gray tracksuit and clutching a large duffel bag. She hit the ground with a thud, and raised her arms in a cheer.

"Woo! I'm back, baby! Third time's the charm!" she yelled to no one in particular. Chris beamed at her.

"Jo! Welcome back to the show."

"Great to be back, Mclean," Jo responded, beaming back. "I know last time was pretty disappointing. But this season's gonna be very, very different. I'm ramping it up a notch this time around. Nobody's ready for what I'm about to bring!"

Heather rolled her eyes. "Um, I'm pretty sure we _all_ know what you're about to bring. And nobody wants anything to do with it. We want a receipt."

Jo turned to her, smirking. "Good to see you too, Heather. You know, we haven't really spoken since you orchestrated my blindside."

"Why in the world _would_ we?" Heather asked.

"Something my coach has always told me is that communication is the key to success," Jo said, pounding her fist into her hand. "So I just wanted to have an honest conversation with you. I wanted you to know that I'm not bitter in any way about what happened. If anything, I should thank you for what you did. You got me out of there before my character could be derailed like the rest of yours. Or even worse, irreversibly destroyed." She winked at Courtney, who scowled back at her.

"What 'character' was there to derail?" the C.I.T. asked. "You like sports and you're probably a lesbian. That's it."

"Fine with me. Sports are cool. As long as I never play tonsil hockey with an inbred ginger farmer, I'm good," Jo chuckled, and Courtney snarled back at her. The jock girl turned back to Heather. "Anyways, just wanted to clear things up. Sure, I'm going to metaphorically break you and your team's spine this season, but that has nothing to do with last year."

Heather crossed her arms and turned her head. "Yeah, no. Sorry. My team is going to be just fine." She paused, and glanced at her team. "In fact, I don't see us _ever_ losing."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot you had Cameron, the challenge god," Jo said, rolling her eyes. "Give me a break. I have more testosterone in my left toe than all three of the men on your team combined."

"Um, is that supposed to be your idea of trash talking?" Heather asked. "You know it's not a _good_ thing that you possess an inordinate amount of a male's hormone, right?"

Scarlett nodded. "Yeah, it's actually a medical disorder called—"

"You people know what I was trying to say!" Jo shouted. "Your team is weak. Pathetic. Ugly. And you stand no chance against us. Better to accept that fact now, and save yourself the disappointment later." Suddenly, an alarm went off in her pocket. Her eyes lit up. "Ah! Perfect timing. I have to get in my 10:15 run. You can see how a _winner_ spends their time. See you suckers later!"

Jo started running down the beach, pumping her arms and breathing heavily.

"Wait!" Chris called after her. "What are you doing?! You can't just leave like tha….annnnd she's gone." He sighed. "Guess I can't hate on her for that. That's dedication if nothing else. Maybe I'd lose my love handles if I had that same attitude."

Suddenly, heavy metal music filled the air, signaling the next contestant's arrival. Another yellow truck roared over the horizon. This time, standing at the helm was a very familiar sight.

"Ugh. This team just gets worse and worse," Courtney groaned over the music. "Don't you people ever get sick of bringing him back?"

"C'mon, Courtney. How can you have a season of Total Drama returnees without Duncan?" Chris asked, laughing with ridicule.

Courtney rolled her eyes. "It's pretty simple. You get off his dick for once and realize his character hasn't been compelling since the second season."

Chris crossed his arms. "I think the fans would beg to differ."

"Well, I think the 'fans' are idiots."

Chris gasped. " _Courtney_!"

"It's true. It's time _someone_ said it. Total Drama has one of the stupidest fanbases in all of television."

Chris looked around at the other campers, as the music continued to blast.

"Do you hear what she's saying? Are you all gonna let her badmouth our fans like that?"

"Yep," Heather nodded.

"The statistics _do_ back it up," Scarlett said.

Chris stuttered, his eyes wide at their remarks. "B-but…"

"Hold on, you guys," Noah interrupted. "I don't think that's fair."

Chris smiled. "Finally! Someone who actually understan—"

"They're not just stupid. Most of them are also extremely weird and socially incompetent."

"What?!" Chris gasped.

"Tell me about it," Heather groaned. "Those fan conventions were the absolute worst. So glad I got banned after the first one for being 'mean'. Sorry, but I just couldn't believe that that many losers existed, let alone could fit into a sweaty conference room. In _costume_. I didn't even know they sold my outfit in that size!" She shuddered at the memory.

"Honestly, the only hard thing for me to say is which part of the fanbase I find the most disgusting," Courtney said.

"You do have a lot of great choices," Scarlett pointed out. "There are the Facebook casuals who, per the stereotype, want Duncan or Owen to win every season; the DeviantArt population, of whom approximately 95 percent need intensive therapy to deal with their deeply fetishized sexual attraction to cartoon characters; the Fanfiction writers who think _Ezekiel_ of all characters should be the main star of this franchise because they relate to his inability to integrate into modern society… the list goes on."

"Speaking of DeviantArt, you guys should totally check out my—"

"NO," Courtney, Noah, and Heather all responded in unison. Harold slumped his shoulders. Chris, meanwhile, glared daggers at the Brains.

"So… this is how we're gonna start the season, huh? Hating on the very people who love you and support you? Fine. I _wanted_ to keep things friendly. I really did. But if this is how it's gonna be, so be it. You ungrateful, smarmy nerds are in for a world of hurt this season. All 6 of you."

"What? But I didn't even say anything!" Cameron cried.

"I saw you nod in agreement every so often. And that's more than enough to make you dead to me," Chris hissed. Then he smiled. "I have a new goal: to expose and humiliate each and every one of you." He laughed. "I can't wait for the whole world to see that, at your core, you're all just as stupid as the rest of us. It will be such sweet, sweet justice."

"Your fly is down."

Chris looked from Heather's pointed finger to his crotch, and then hastily zipped up his pants, cursing under his breath. He suddenly heard a snicker from behind him, and swiveled around. There, sitting against a nearby tree, was Duncan. Chris raised an eyebrow.

"How long have _you_ been here?"

"About five minutes," Duncan said, flipping his pocketknife in his hand. "Enjoying the free entertainment." Noticing Chris's scowl, he frowned. "What?"

Chris crossed his arms. "You know, you could've at least backed me up. Why'd you leave me to defend the fans all by myself? After all I've done for you?"

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?" Courtney asked suspiciously. Chris glanced at her.

"Uh… nothing! Nothing at all. I have no idea why I said that," Chris stammered. He then turned back to the camera. "So, as you all can see, Duncan is here! That's right, you heard me. Duncan. The wait is OVER! Don't change the channel now, because it's _Duncan_! Your favorite character, Duncan! DUNCAN! Did I mention Duncan? In case you all don't remember, Duncan is the one with the Mohawk and he is your favorite character."

"There you go, Chris!" Noah called out to him, giving the host a thumbs-up. "Way to talk to your fans like they aren't idiots!"

Chris's eyelid twitched as he continued to address the camera, smiling. "When we first were outlining the season, I instantly knew Duncan was a perfect fit for the Brawns team. I even said it to Chef. I turned to Chef and I said, 'You know, Chef, Duncan is a perfect fit for the Brawns team.' And now here he is."

"Riveting," Heather said, rolling her eyes. Chris nodded.

"I know. But don't give me too much credit. Really, it's an obvious choice when you think about it. Duncan has years of experience as a hardened convict," the host explained, before proudly beckoning to himself. "It's actually one of the many things he and I have in common. I got thrown in the ol' slammer for a while before All-Stars. I was running the place by lunchtime. Duncan and I, we're men who know what it's like to survive behind bars. Nay, _thrive_ behind bars."

Chef shook his head. "Now that's just some bullsh**, man. You were in prison for about two hours before you lost your damn mind. I had to carry yo' ass outta there like a baby. Prison guards told me you tried to kill yo'self fourteen times prior to that."

Chris crossed his arms. "Well, some of us don't feel as at home in jail as you do, Chef!"

"I've never been to jail," Chef said.

"Good one," Chris laughed.

"I'm serious," Chef said. Chris laughed again.

"C'mon, Chef. Don't be ridiculous. Of course you've been to prison."

"No, Chris, I haven't," Chef repeated. Chris glanced at the cook, and stopped smiling.

"Wait... really?"

"Yes, Chris."

"Wow, that's… that's really surprising."

"And why is that?" Chef asked, narrowing his eyes at the host.

"Well, I mean—I just sorta assumed…" Chris trailed off as he realized everyone was looking at him now. "I mean, like, statistically speaking…" He swallowed deeply as everyone continued to stare. "Uh… no, you don't… you people are getting my words all tangled up! I just kind of thought, you know… what with Chef's background, and—"

"You mean, 'cause I'm black?" Chef asked.

"No! I'm not racist!" Chris frantically shouted. Then he squinted his eyes at Chef. "In fact, I'm so not racist, I didn't even _know_ you were black until now."

"You have gotta be kidding me," Chef groaned.

"It's true!" Chris exclaimed. "How was I supposed to have known? It's not like you ever told me, or anything."

Chef sighed. "Chris—"

"No! I'm not forgiving you! Why would you keep it secret from me? Your best friend?" He turned away from Chef and crossed his arms. "I guess our friendship means nothing."

Chef stared at the host in disbelief. Then he shook his head, grumbling to himself.

"I'm getting too old for this sh**," he muttered as he walked away. "Shoulda kept the job at Best Buy. But _noooo_. You just _had_ to have ambition."

Chris watched him leave, before shrugging. "Don't know what his deal was." He turned back to the campers. "Anyways, I'll admit, I _might_ have been more of a 'shankee' than a 'shanker' during my time in prison. But it still made me a stronger man. And the same goes for Duncan. He's never been more of a man." He beckoned to the delinquent, who was now busy carving a skull into the side of the tree. "Just look at those firm biceps pumping away as he defiles natural beauty. Look at that sweat glistening on his rugged unibrow. Look at the skull on his shirt. You can _feel_ the masculinity radiating off of him. It's downright palpable. I can't get enough of it." Duncan glanced at Chris, looking uncomfortable.

"Wait… speaking of which, how exactly is Duncan allowed to be here?" Scarlett asked, frowning. "He was arrested for blowing up your resort, and you vowed he'd be locked away for a long, long time. I'm surprised you're now an avid fan of his again."

"Yeah," Courtney said, narrowing her eyes at Chris. "That could use an explanation, don't you think?"

"I have no idea what you two ladies are talking about," Chris said, averting his gaze. "That must've just been some weird, unrealistic Fanfiction you read."

"No, that was just Total Drama All-Stars. Essentially the same thing," Courtney said. "And I was there, so don't play dumb. I just so happened to research the judicial guidelines for criminal property damage in this country. Duncan should be serving a ten-year sentence right now. And yet here he is. Please explain."

" _Ohhh_. _That._ Forgot about that," Chris chuckled, forcing a shrug. "Uh, yeah… so… pretty much what happened is…" Suddenly, another truck pulled up. "And the next Brawn has arrived!"

"No!" Courtney snarled. "You're not changing the topic!" Chris waved his hand at her.

"We'll discuss it all later. Just know that I, Chris Mclean, did absolutely _nothing_ illegal," he declared. Duncan burst out laughing. Chris turned and glared at him, and he quickly stopped.

Meanwhile, the next contestant had stepped down from the truck and saluted the host.

"SERGEANT BRICK MACARTHUR, REPORTING FOR DUTY!"

Chris beamed.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Chris: Brick was an absolute no-brainer. Middle America is a key demographic, and we got** _ **killed**_ **in that area last season. They don't take kindly to the likes of Leonard and Max, as it turns out. We have to do better this time around. And the easiest way to appeal to them? Bring in a wholesome, family-friendly figure with a military background. Ratings gold. I know Brick won't let me down.**

 **End of Confessionals**

Chris smiled and shook Brick's hand. "It's great to see you, Brick. You are a very wholesome guy, you know that? Not to mention family-friendly. You also have a military background." He winked at the camera as he said this.

"Wow! Thank you for the warm words, sir!" Brick exclaimed, beaming. "I'm grateful for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!"

Chris grinned and turned to the other campers. "See? _That's_ how you address your superiors." He turned back. "So, Brick, what are your plans for this season, aside from setting a fine example for our conservative youth?"

"The goal is to win, sir! That, and to make my parents proud!" Brick shouted.

Chris nodded. "Ah, yes. I imagine you and your family are pretty close, huh? Given your traditional values."

"Not exactly, sir! Actually, my parents disowned me, sir!" Brick shouted. Chris' eyebrows shot up.

"Huh? What'd you… what'd you just say?"

"My parents disowned me, sir!" Brick yelled again, still saluting.

"Um… I see. I was not aware."

"Well… actually just my dad, sir," Brick clarified. "Given that he won full custody after the divorce."

"D-divorce?" Chris stuttered.

"Yeah. I thought I told you about this."

"No. You _didn't_. Would've been a little nice to know beforehand, if you catch my drift," Chris spoke through gritted teeth. "I'm assuming the divorce was because they both wanted full credit for raising such a nice, responsible, conservative young man, right?"

"Actually, sir, my mom was a heroin addict."

Chris sighed. "Of course she was. And why did your father disown you, may I ask?"

"As some may remember, I said I wanted to go fashion school at the end of season 4, sir," Brick said. "My father thought I was homosexual, sir. Kicked me right out of the house. Though I personally have a sneaking suspicion that _he's_ a closeted homosexual himself, sir, given his Internet search history."

"That's… I…" Chris was at a loss for words. "And… what about you? Are you… actually… y'know…?"

"Haha! No, sir!" Brick laughed, and the host looked a bit relieved. Brick paused. "But… all things considered, I _have_ done the research, and science does show that sexuality's a spectrum. And maybe one day I'll meet a guy who completely changes my—"

Chris shoved Brick offscreen. "All right, that's enough of Brick." He shook his head, muttering to himself. "Damn it…"

Brick got up off the ground, shaken.

"Was it something I said?" he murmured, frowning. Shrugging, he walked over to the tree where Duncan was sitting and leaned against it, not noticing the delinquent. Duncan nodded at him.

"Hey, man," he said. "Pretty sure I met your mom in prison."

Brick glanced down at him, and his eyes widened. He was silent for a moment. Then he screamed in a high-pitched voice and fainted, collapsing on the ground next to Eva's body. Duncan stared confusedly at the unconscious cadet.

Noah chuckled. "Never would've pegged him as a Duncan fangirl."

Chris threw his hands up. "Okay, whose idea was it to bring this guy back?" he groaned. He paused. "Oh wait."

The next truck pulled up. The contestant wasn't sitting up front, however, but rather in the truck bed in the back. Groaning, she stood up and stepped out. As she put her hands on her hips and cracked her neck, her massive form cast a towering shadow over the others.

"I'd prefer _not_ to be shoved in the back of the truck next time around, Chris," she groaned in an Australian accent.

Chris shrugged. "You're the one who couldn't fit up front, Jasmine."

"Then maybe you should've found a bigger truck!"

"Or maybe _you_ should've found a less freakishly large body," Chris countered.

"Yeah, because that's _totally_ under my control."

"You didn't have to drink so much goddamn milk. You could've tried another beverage once in a while," Chris said, shrugging. Jasmine rolled her eyes and turned her attention to the other campers. Chris, meanwhile, turned to the camera. "That being said, we're glad she didn't, because at a monolithic 7 feet tall, Jasmine is a superb addition to the Brawns. However, there is so much more to this gal than just her dunking ability. Jasmine is a fearless leader, an expert survivalist, a—"

"What is _she_ doing here?!" Jasmine suddenly exclaimed, glaring in the direction of the Brains.

"-and a very rude interrupter of the host, as it turns out. I'll have to add that to the list." Chris turned to Jasmine. "Whatever is the problem?"

"You heard me! _WHAT_ is she _DOING_ here?!" Jasmine repeated, gritting her teeth. Heather and Courtney both glanced at each other nervously, praying she was referring to the other.

Chris scratched his head. "You have to be more specific than that. The pronoun 'she' could mean a lot of people right now. There's Courtney, and Eva, and Heather, and Harold, and—

"No, none of them! I'm talking about _her_ ," Jasmine hissed, pointing directly at Scarlett. Heather and Courtney both heaved sighs of relief.

Chris frowned. "You've got beef with Scarlett? What for?"

" _What for_? Crikey, she was ready to let the island blow up and kill us all last season!"

"Oh yeah. Slipped my mind for a minute. Yeah, I can imagine things might be a little awkward between the two of you after that."

Jasmine turned back towards Scarlett, her teeth clenched. "The only thing that's going to be awkward is figuring out a way to reach down far enough so that I can wring her neck!"

"Whoa now!" Chris gasped. "That is quite a violent statement to make, Jasmine. We do not tolerate such language on Total Drama."

"So how exactly do you classify all the threats Scarlett made against us last season?!" Jasmine laughed incredulously. "The only difference is, _she_ actually acted on them! She legitimately tried to _murder_ us! All of our lives were within minutes of ending because of her! And you brought her back!?"

"Yes. You summed it up very nicely. Now, let's move on to—"

Jasmine sighed and shook her head. "No. We're not moving on. Look, I want the million dollars as much as the next person. But I have to draw a line somewhere. I can't be on this season if she's here too. I'm leaving."

Now it was Chris' turn to laugh.

"And how exactly do you plan to do that? Are you just gonna swim back to Australia?"

Jasmine crossed her arms, her face red. "Maybe… maybe not! I don't know! All I know is I can't be here."

Scarlett coughed, and the survivalist turned to her. "If you would allow, Jasmine, I desire to address the… culinary cattle flesh that appears to exist between the two of us. I know your current perception of me, in colloquial terms, as a "raging bitch" is adamantly ingrained, and your theory, given your evidence, holds merit. But much can change with time. And I hope that over the course of this season, I provide you sufficient counterevidence to adjust your hypothesis, and the cattle flesh can thus be macerated to a manageable pulp."

Jasmine suddenly grabbed Scarlett by the collar, leaning down so that her face was just inches from the braniac's.

"So you want to squash the beef, huh?" she growled. Scarlett slowly nodded, maintaining eye contact.

"That is… preferable," she responded. Jasmine's eyes narrowed. There was a long pause. Then she spoke.

"You know what? Fine. Against my best judgment, I'll give you one shot. One. But that's it. If I see anything shady, I'm _not_ giving you the benefit of the doubt. Nobody's lives are gonna be at risk this season."

"Uh, are you forgetting what show we're on?" Noah asked.

"Let me rephrase. Our lives won't be any more at risk than usual," Jasmine said. She turned back to Scarlett. "But I'm serious. If I so much as see a single glint of 'evil' in your eyes, you're done. If I see you scribbling any unintelligible blueprints in the ground, you're done. If I see that the episode title inexplicably has your name in it, you're done. I'll be launching you from the cannon myself _._ "

"Who said it's a cannon this year?" Chris broke in. He shuddered. "Ew. No. Do you really think we're that unoriginal? Come on, now."

"Well, then what _is_ the elimination device?" Jasmine asked.

"Oh, you'll see soon enough. When it comes time," Chris smirked. "You'll _all_ see! MUAHAHAHAHA!" He threw his hands up into the air, cackling. Lightning flashed in the sky behind him and an ominous piano chord struck the air.

Jasmine stared at the host for a moment, before slowly turning back to Scarlett.

"Yeah… and if you do something like whatever Chris did just now, you're done. But that should be a given." She suddenly cringed. "Okay, this position is really hurting my back. But just know, I'll have my eye on you. So keep it in line." She finally let go of Scarlett's collar, stood up straight, and went to go stand with the Brawns.

Cameron turned to Harold, chuckling nervously.

"Man… Jasmine is so much bigger and more intimidating in person than I expected. This season's gonna be pretty intense, huh?" Harold didn't respond. "Harold?" Harold's eyelids slowly drooped, and a goofy smile stretched across his face.

"Finally… I've found… the ultimate babe…"

Cameron stared at him in confusion. "Um, excuse me? What are you—"

"Hey! Nerds! You're supposed to be weird and introverted, not talking all the time when the host is trying to!" Chris yelled at the two. Cameron fell silent. "Thank you. Now, there's still one more Brawn to reveal. Who's it gonna be? Let's find out!"

A yellow truck roared in the distance, traveling much faster than the others. As it accelerated, its tires squealed, the engine revving violently and smoke billowing out the back. The sound broke Brick out of his stupor, who sat up, confused. Eva remained unconscious.

As everyone gazed at the approaching vehicle, they realized that the passenger seat was vacant once again. Then they noticed the rope attached to the truck bed in the back. Their eyes slowly followed it, until they came across two tightly clenched hands. Those hands belonged to a brown-haired teenager in a red jumpsuit. Attached to his feet was a shiny pair of water skis, which skirted and bounced across the uneven ground. He let go with one hand and waved at the crowd, laughing and cheering.

"Hell yeah! Now THAT'S how you make an entrance!" Chris cheered.

"What the f**k is he doing?!" Courtney cried.

Chris shrugged. "Tyler thought he would be arriving by boat like last time, so he brought his water skis. Unfortunately, he didn't get the memo that it was a truck this time around. But as it turns out, that doesn't stop Tyler."

"Who's Tyler?" asked about half of the campers.

Chris turned to them in shock. "You don't remember Tyler? Shame on you! He's OG! Total Drama's very first athlete!"

Jasmine frowned. "Yeah… the name's not ringing a bell."

"Well, it _should_. Tyler's a Total Drama _icon_. He's practically a founding father of the franchise!" Chris snapped. "Just think of all the iconic moments Tyler's had. They're endless."

"Can you name one?" Heather asked.

"Of course! There was that time he… uh… let's see… well… I know there was a yo-yo or something at one point… definitely seem to remember a yo-yo… and he's the one that got mauled by a bear, right?"

"No, that was Cody," Cameron said. "How could you not remember that?"

Chris crossed his arms. "Whatever! I'm not a nerd like you who can spend all his time on the Total Drama wiki browsing obscure trivia!"

"How'd you know to bring him back, then? Tyler's existence is probably the most obscure piece of trivia this show has," Noah pointed out.

"Can we please cut it with the Tyler bashing? Tyler deserves this second chance more than anyone. He's waited five seasons for this opportunity, and I know he won't waste it." Chris tapped his chin. "I wonder how much he's changed since TDI. It's been so long since I last saw him. He's looking healthy, thou—"

"You do know that Tyler was on Season 3, right?" Courtney broke in.

Chris stared at her in surprise. "He was? Since when?" He threw up his hands. "But what does it matter, anyway? Once again, useless trivia, people! What matters is that Tyler is here." He looked around. "Wait, where is he?" He looked back in the direction of the truck, and saw the vehicle crashed against a tree, on fire, with its wheels rolling away and the rope caught up in the branches. "Damn it! I missed the wipeout because of you people! Anyone see it? How was it?"

"It was awesome, man," Duncan snickered. "I mean, the tree was thirty yards off to the side, and he _still_ somehow managed to smash into it."

Chris glanced around. "Where's Tyler? Is he alright?"

"He landed somewhere in there," Duncan said, pointing to the forest in the distance.

Chris nodded. "He should be fine."

 **Confession Cam**

 **Chris: Yes, Tyler was a last minute addition to the cast. Lightning couldn't make it, unfortunately, because his parents have refused to let him come back on the show until he passes 2nd grade. But hey, Tyler covers a key demographic! I'm… not sure what that demographic** _ **is**_ **, but it's a demographic. I think. (He pauses.) Who was I talking about again?**

 **End of Confessionals**

"So, we've got our Brains. We've got our Brawns." Chris grinned at the camera. "Now, finally, we get to the hot people. Team Beauty will be arriving shortly!" Some grumbles arose from the contestants. Chris put his hands on his hips and turned to them. "What's with the 'tude? I'm just stating the facts. They're hot, and you guys are not."

Harold shook his head. " _Gosh_ , that's just so wrong. I _implore_ you to find a man with a more desirable genetic blueprint for offspring than I, Chris Mclean. I'm the full package! The ladies have to refuse to talk to me just to contain themselves!"

"OK, Harold. Anyway—"

"I'm serious! I belong on the Beauties! You couldn't find a bett—"

"Cool. We get it. Now, as I was—"

"I mean, gosh! Your insensitivity to the magnetic power of my glutes is just, gosh—!"

"Harol—"

"Look at me! You can't tell me I'm not the best looking man on this—"

"Shut up! No you aren't! You barely even resemble a human!" Chris shouted. He turned to the rest of the campers. "Is that why you're all giving me sass? You all think you should be on Team Beauty, too?"

Heather smirked. "Eh, not really. I know that I'm better looking than everyone, anyway."

"How humble of you and your butt chin to say so," Courtney grumbled. Heather swiveled around to face her.

"Ooo, what an insult. Sorry I'm not up to your high standard. Would you like me better if I put on a wife-beater and stopped showering? That more your tempo?"

"Why you little bit—"

"I'll take that as a yes," Chris chuckled. He turned back to the cameras. "Now, some of the more inquisitive viewers out there might be skeptical. You're thinking that Beauty doesn't really fit with the other two categories. After all, how can aesthetic appearance be put on the same level as intelligence and athleticism? Isn't whether one ends up with the face of a god or the face of a potato just the luck of the draw? Isn't it a problem in society that we overvalue appearances, leading to unrealistic beauty standards for women and men alike? Isn't it unfair that beautiful people can often coast through life on only their looks, never having to lift a finger, while better, harder-working individuals struggle to achieve their dreams?" Chris shrugged. "Maybe. But who cares? I love me some super hot babes. And I'm super hot myself."

"Inspiring," Noah said.

"I know," Chris said. He sighed. "Okay, look. I know including a 'Beauty' team might seem shallow. But in truth, the members of the Beauty team weren't simply chosen for their outer looks. They played a factor, sure. But ultimately, we focused most on the beauty _within_. The desire to help others, to make the world a better place. That's what's truly important."

Brick smiled. "Affirmative, sir. I agree 110 percent."

"Stop talking, you waste of casting slot," Chris hissed. Brick shamefully dropped his head. Chris grinned back at the camera. "Now, let's get to the introductions!" He checked his watch. "…In twenty minutes."

"What are we waiting for?" Jasmine asked.

"Their makeup isn't done yet."

"Are you kidding me—"

 _ **Twenty minutes later…**_

A massive white cruise liner now sat parked next to the beach, glistening in the sunlight. The door slammed open, and a set of steps extended down onto the dock. Chris beckoned to the boat.

"Contained within that luxury cruise liner are six of the most beautiful contestants we've had on our show."

"What the heck? Why did they get to take a cruise to get here?" Courtney complained.

"That's just how it worked out. It had nothing to do with them being more beautiful than the rest of you," Chris said. "Now, without further ado, let's bring out the first of said beautiful people! The one… the only… Alejandro Burromuerto!" Heather gasped as her boyfriend stepped out of the darkness and out onto the steps. He stood there for a moment, his eyes sparkling mischievously as he gazed at the rest of the contestants. Then he slowly began descending towards the beach. Chris continued his narration.

"In his first two seasons on the show, Alejandro established himself as a villainous mastermind, using his striking good looks and Latin charm to advance his game. His beauty was his greatest strategic advantage, as he manipulated his fellow castmates to do his bidding, eliminating them when they'd outlived their usefulness. His talents are extensive, his charisma is infectious, and his soul is pure evil… it's Alejandro!"

Alejandro smiled and waved at his fellow campers as he walked down the beach toward the crowd, but was met with glares from the others. He reached Chris and stopped, chuckling.

"Well, Chris, if there were ever an introductory monologue that could screw me before the season even started… that would be it." He smiled warmly and placed a hand on the host's shoulders. "I kid, I kid. It's so good to see you, _mi amigo_. How have you been?"

Chris paused for a moment, and looked as if he were thinking. Then he slowly began speaking in broken Spanish. "Uh… _me estas… uh… mucho si gusto… uh… tacos… very tambien usted?"_

Alejandro forced a laugh. "Wow, Chris! Your Spanish has vastly improved."

"Thanks, man!" Chris beamed. "I've been practicing a ton. Bought this hella expensive online course."

"Well, it's paid off," Alejandro said. "That was certainly not an ignorant and unforgivable butchering of my beloved native tongue."

Chris let out a sigh of relief. "Thank God. You don't know how good it feels to hear you say that, dude." He paused, and then laughed. "Wow. You haven't even been on this beach for more than thirty seconds, and I'm already completely charmed and manipulated by you. Impressive."

Alejandro smiled and shook his head. "No, _hombre_. I am being completely genuine."

Chris's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Indeed. This season will be different, Chris. You will see a new side of Alejandro Burromuerto. This season, I will be honest."

Courtney burst out laughing. Alejandro turned to her. "You do not believe me, Courtney? I am hurt. But it is understandable, given how I have hurt you in the past." He sighed. "Oh, I regret so much from my accursed past! But alas, I was a reckless teenager in my first season. Out of control. I just kept telling lie after lie, and I couldn't stop. I never thought about the consequences of my actions and the people I would hurt. And to top it all off, I made out with a pineapple. Shameful from start to finish." He paused, and then glanced at Heather for the first time since he'd arrived. "But now, after returning in Total Drama All-Stars, I finally know what matters. It's not money, nor fame, nor power. It is love! And I have found the love of my life!"

" _Awwwwwwww_ ," swooned some people in the crowd.

"Who? The pineapple?" Noah asked.

"Hahaha! No. A woman, Noah," Alejandro said, his left eyelid twitching just ever so slightly. "As it stands, the pineapple and I are no longer on speaking terms."

Harold snapped his finger in disappointment. "Darn! Well, my Fanfiction writing career has certainly taken a hit."

Chris slapped Alejandro on the back. "Good for you, man. This is terrible for ratings, but good for you. I wish you and Heather nothing but the best."

"And the best we shall have. As long as we're together," Alejandro declared, gazing lovingly at his girlfriend, who blushed in return.

Brick wiped a tear from his eye. "So… beautiful…"

Courtney, meanwhile, was fuming.

"Okay, okay. As touching as this moment is, we still have many more expositional plot points to get to," Chris said. "Ready to meet your teammates, Alejandro?"

Alejandro took a deep breath and turned to Chris. "Admittedly, I am a bit nervous. But I'm ready, Chris." He smiled, gazing out at the ocean. "Meeting my teammates is always a special moment. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. After all, these are the individuals with whom I will charge headfirst into battle, with whom I will strive to be my best whilst pushing them to do the same, with whom I will share my very soul." He bit his lip, looking as if he were fighting back tears.

"Wow, Alejandro. I didn't know you felt so strongly about this," Chris said, raising an eyebrow. Alejandro turned back to him.

"But of course, Chris! _Mi equipo es un parte de mi corazon!_ This season more than ever, I will be all about team loyalty. But we will not be just a team; no, it is my hope that we will become a singular being, with one singular purpose: to win, and to win together." He smiled again. "I believe that the next person to step out of that boat will be a lifelong friend of mine when all is said and done."

"Great! Come on out, Sugar!" Chris called out towards the boat.

Alejandro's smile quickly disappeared as the blonde pageant queen stepped out onto the top step. Chris turned to the Latin model, amused.

"What's the problem? Not who you were expecting?" he asked.

Alejandro slowly forced back his smile. "There is absolutely no problem, Chris. I am overjoyed to see such a strong competitor as Sugar join my team. In fact, she was someone I had in mind before the season even began."

"I thought you weren't going to tell any lies this season, Al," Courtney said, smirking. Alejandro tried to ignore her, continuing to smile, but the corners of his mouth twitched.

Sugar, meanwhile, waved left and right, smiling at the cameras.

"Thank you, thank you! It is such an honor to be voted onto Team Beauty by the fans of Total Drama!" she declared, speaking in her pageant voice. "Sugar loves each and every one of y'all!"

"Uh, actually, Sugar, the fans didn't vote," Chris said. "It was my decision."

Sugar shrugged, still smiling. "Who cares? Wouldn't have mattered either way. You'd hafta be blind _not_ to put me on this team." She paused. "Or gay, I guess." She glanced over at Chris. "You _do_ sometimes seem like you prefer to paint both sides of the barn house."

"No, Sugar, I do not. Now how about you move out of the doorway so the others ca—"

"But that being said… you _could_ also be blind. I mean, can you even see outta those things?" Sugar exclaimed in wonder, pointing at Chris's eyes. "They're just a coupl'a dots bouncin' around up there! Kinda weird if you ask me."

"Really making me rethink my decision here, Sugar," Chris muttered, glancing self-consciously at his reflection.

"Speaking of which, Chris…" Heather started. She then lowered her voice to a whisper. _"Why_ _the actual f**k is SHE on this team?!"_

The host shrugged. "Why not?"

" _Um, because she's disgusting?!"_

Chris crossed his arms. "Well, _I_ think she's beautiful. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, Heather. Even fat people can be beautiful, believe it or not. Ever heard Meghan Trainor's hit song, 'All About That Bass'?"

"Yeah. It sucks."

"How dare you!" Chris gasped. "It's an absolute banger! Plus, it teaches an important lesson: girls should love themselves for who they are, even if they're a little heavier than is the conventional beauty standard. We at Total Drama want to send the same message to our own viewers. Sugar will be a role model for young girls worldwide!"

Sugar, meanwhile, was still posing in the ship's doorframe. Suddenly, another female contestant stepped out behind her. She had bronze-orange skin, a low-cut tank top, and about five pounds of makeup on.

"Whaddup?! Anne Maria is in the hous—" The Jersey girl was cut off as she was violently shoved back inside.

"Wait your damn turn, bitch!" Sugar shouted.

"Wow, Chris. Such a great role model," said Jasmine, rolling her eyes.

Chris shrugged. "Anne Maria really should've waited her turn."

Anne Maria got up, dusting herself off. "No. No no no no no! You did _not_ just push _me_ back in line! You've been hoggin' the stage for ten minutes, sistah!"

"Oh yeah? And what're _you_ gonna do about it?" Sugar taunted.

Anne Maria responded by charging the Southern girl, slamming into her with a full-body tackle. The whole crowd gasped as the two toppled out of the ship's doorframe and fell down the stairs with loud, metallic thuds, crashing down onto the beach. Rolling around in the sand, the two divas scratched and clawed at each other like rabid animals. Anne Maria grabbed Sugar's hair and yanked it roughly; Sugar shrieked and attempted the same maneuver, but nearly broke her fingers on the tan girl's metallic hairdo. Gritting her teeth, Sugar chose instead to put Anne Maria in a headlock and began punching her repeatedly in the face. Each time her fist swung back up, it was covered in a heavier coat of bronze tanner. Anne Maria suddenly caught Sugar's arm in the upswing and twisted it with a sickening crack. Sugar grabbed Anne Maria's leg in response and bit into it.

Everyone else, meanwhile, watched in horror from the sidelines. Jasmine glanced over at Chris, who stood frozen in place.

"Um... Chris? I don't want to impose upon you or anything, but please feel free to actually _do_ something," she said. Chris turned to her, his eyes wide in horror.

"What the...?! What do you want _me_ to do?"

"How about doing your f**king job and intervening before one of them kills the other?" Courtney suggested. Chris shook his head and laughed.

"Oh, c'mon, Courtney. That's a bit of an exaggeration, don't you think?" the host chuckled. "Anne Maria and Sugar are just working out their differences as mature adults. You see, whenever two mature adults have a disagreement, it's best to settle it in an honest and direct manner, yet without excessive hostility. Just as they are doing." As he said this, Anne Maria whipped out a pocket knife and brandished it dangerously close to Sugar's face. Sugar screamed and reached behind her back, grabbing wildly at thin air. When her hand came up empty, the Southern gal cursed.

"Dangnabbit! Now where did I put that damn rifle?!"

Suddenly, Topher jumped out onto the top step, buzzing with excitement.

"Sugar and Anne Maria just continue to go at it! Let's get a closer look at the action!" The pretty boy slid down the railing and landed next to them on the sand. He flinched as a tooth flew past his face. "Um… wow! They're.. _really_ getting into it." His eyes widened as he continued to watch. "Oh… oh God… what the fu…" He slowly turned to the camera. "Um… this is… this is great! And t-to think this fight was about to go without proper narration! Luckily, Topher got here JUST IN time!"

Suddenly, Justin stuck his head out of the door, flashing a brilliant white smile.

"Did somebody say 'Justin Time'?" he declared. Posing for the camera, he took a step forward, and immediately toppled forward down the steps, face-planting in the sand at the bottom. The model lifted his head and groaned, spitting out sand.

"Ow… WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THERE WERE STAIRS THERE?!"

Topher, meanwhile, continued to narrate the brawl. "And… Sugar punches Anne Maria again! And Anne Maria responds b-by… oh my God… so much blood…"

"NO!" Justin suddenly screamed, holding up a mirror. "MY FACE! It's… BRUISED!"

"Let GO!" yelled Anne Maria.

"No way! This rodeo's just gettin' started!" Sugar cackled.

"N-no… not my face…" Justin moaned.

"And… Anne Maria continues to… Sugar now has Anne Maria's… p-please… j-just stop…" Topher whispered, tears in his eyes.

"My face… MY FACE!" Justin wailed.

"AUGH! OW! DAMN IT!" Sugar cursed as Anne Maria ripped off a patch of her hair.

"My FACE!"

 _ **"EVERYBODY STOP!"**_ Chris yelled into a giant megaphone, blowing all four of them backwards. The four Beauty team members all fell silent. Sugar and Anne Maria lay on the ground, groaning; Topher stood there, shell-shocked; and Justin sat in a fetal position. Chris lowered the megaphone. "Good. Now come over here, all of you. And please, ladies, do not touch each other again. Jesus Christ." As the Beauties began to make their way over, Chris turned and smirked at Courtney. "Nothing to say now, huh? So much for me being a terrible host who doesn't do his job _._ Chris 1, Courtney 0." Courtney rolled her eyes.

Sugar and Anne Maria slowly got up, glaring at each other. They were both covered in bruises and scratches, and each had a black eye. Their clothes were completely torn as well. Topher, having regained his composure, helped Justin up. The four then shuffled over to Chris, who shook his head in disappointment.

"Okay, first of all, what happened to 'waiting for your cue'?"

Justin crossed his arms. "Okay, I _swear_ I heard my cue."

"Well, you didn't, Justin. You screwed it up. And no amount of hotness you may possess will change that fact."

Anne Maria stared at Justin, drooling. "And that's a whole lotta hotness, too..."

Justin smiled back at her. "Thanks. I wish I could say the same for you, but I can't."

Anne Maria blushed and giggled. "Wow, thanks!"

"So what's our punishment, Chris?" Topher asked, a little too eagerly.

"Well, because you wasted so much time, you're all just gonna get much shorter introductions," Chris said.

"No!" the host wannabe gasped. "Anything but that!"

"You should just be happy I'm not kicking you out right now, Topher," Chris said. "Given that you've already broken the agreement."

Cameron frowned. "What agreement?"

"We'll get to that in a moment. First let's run through Alejandro's new teammates in order of arrival." The host beckoned to Sugar. "We're all already way too familiar with her. Next, we have Anne Maria. She's back by popular demand—"

"From _who_?" Courtney asked.

"People," Chris said. "Anyways, Anne Maria is perfect for Team Beauty. She's among the sexiest girls we've ever had on this show."

"No she isn't," Heather said.

"ExCUSE me?" Anne Maria snapped.

"Yeah, Heather, not cool," Chris said, crossing his arms. "Jealousy is seriously not a good look for you."

"I'm not jealous. I'm just stating a fact. Your picks for the girls on this team have made absolutely zero sense," Heather said.

Chris shrugged. "Okay, I'll admit that _maybe_ after a certain point, quantity wins out over quality. And after wading through hours upon hours of confessional footage of Anne Maria talking about how hot she was during Season 4, I think I may have been brainwashed a little. But whatever, I brought her back. Deal with it."

"You heard the man," Anne Maria sneered. "Deal with it. I'm on Team Beauty, and you aren't." She blew a raspberry at the raven-haired girl.

Heather was about to make a retort, but stopped herself.

"Now…" said Chris, "moving along, it's Justin. Once considered a beautiful, silent demigod by the cast and crew alike, he hit a bit of a slump in his second season, when his powers suddenly stopped working. Wild guess, but it may have had something to do with the fact that he started speaking. But Justin's come back for a third go, hotter than ever before, ready to prove that he's not just a prop for jokes about Owen's sexuality."

"And to win," Justin added.

"Oh, Justin… you aren't going to win," Chris laughed. "Finally, we have Topher. Topher, Topher, Topher. To say he and I have a colorful history would be quite the understatement."

Cameron nodded. "Yeah, he's definitely the one I'm most surprised by. I'm shocked you brought him back. He almost stole your job as host last season!"

"Indeed he did. And believe me, I was more than ready to let him fade into oblivion. But Topher has a lot more fans than you would expect, and they are frighteningly aggressive for your average 12-year-old girl, so I decided to humor them."

"Have I told you how thankful I am, by the way? I am forever indebted to you, Chris," Topher said, his eyes watery with emotion. "I was on the verge of ruin! I had no chance of even landing a commercial gig for supermarket hair gel, let alone a TV show! But you saved me. You've given me a chance for redemption. You are a kind and merciful god, Chris Mclean."

Chris grinned. "See, _this_ is the Topher I can live with. But no need to thank me, Topher. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. Redemption is a key part of Total Drama. Unlike _The Ridonculous Race_. Have they EVER brought back any of their past competitors for another season? I don't think so."

"There's only been one season, Chris," Noah said.

"AND IT BETTER STAY THAT WAY!" Chris shouted. "Ahem. Anyways, Topher is still on a very short leash. We came to an agreement before the season began that if he tries to start 'hosting' at any point, he's a goner. He's already broken the rule, but I'll let that first little relapse slide. Given how pathetic of a job it was."

Topher dropped to his knees in joy. "Oh, thank you! Thank you! You are so generous!" He began kissing the ground near Chris's feet. Chris patted Topher's head, before glancing at the cruise liner.

"That should be all the Beauties, right?"

"No," Courtney said. "That's only 5. There's still a sixth person we're waiting on."

Justin frowned. "But… when I left the boat, it didn't look like anyone else was in there."

"And he's supah hot, so he should know!" Anne Maria added.

Suddenly, there was a cough from behind everyone, and a gentle voice floated through the air.

"Hello, everyone. I'm right here." Everyone swiveled around to see a pale, blonde-haired girl sitting up on one of the large rocks by the beach.

Brick beamed when he saw her. "Hey! It's Dawn!" He waved to her. "Long time no see, Dawn!"

Chris, who was still facing the water, gasped when he heard the name, and swiveled around.

"SO YOU FINALLY DECIDED TO SHOW YOUR FACE ON MY ISLAND, HUH?!" he roared. He looked around. "Wait, where is he?"

Heather rolled her eyes. "Not _Don_ , you idiot. _**Dawn**_ _._ " She pointed at the moonchild.

Chris stared at her for a moment, before slowly laughing, embarrassed. "Ohhhhhhhhh. I see. Thought it was… anyways… uh… so yeah, Dawn is the final member of the Beauties. Heh heh."

Dawn slid down from the rock, but it almost looked as if she were floating. She touched down onto the ground and smiled. "I'm sorry I didn't make my presence known earlier, you guys, but I knew it was not my time to—"

"Wait, exactly how long have you been sitting on that rock?" Courtney interrupted.

"Um… since early this morning, I believe. I was meditating, so I couldn't really keep track of the time," Dawn said, frowning.

"So you were here this whole time?! That's so…" The C.I.T. trailed off as she realized that Dawn had disappeared. "Where did she go?" She turned around to see Dawn standing near the Beauty teammates, introducing herself. "What the…? How did she…?"

Dawn extended her hand to Justin and Anne Maria. "Hello, I'm—"

" _We know who you are_ ," Anne Maria interrupted.

"We do?" Justin asked.

"Well, I do. She was on my season. And trust me, Justin, you do _not_ wanna get too close to her. She's freaky, man… always talkin' about trees and… and rocks!" Anne Maria shuddered.

Justin frowned. "But I like trees. They're tall and beautiful. Like me." He paused. "Rocks, on the other hand, are absolutely disgusting. Ugly, hideous beings. How _anyone_ could enjoy them is beyond me. So yeah… probably best to stay away from her."

Dawn looked very confused.

Sugar, meanwhile, walked up to Chris and tapped him on the shoulder. "Mr. Host?"

Chris, still recovering from the false alarm, turned to her. "*sigh*… Yes, Sugar?"

"Now, I don't wanna implicate that you ain't doin' a good job as host and all, because you totally are. But… this _is_ the BEAUTY team, right?"

"Yes it is, Sugar. Glad you're paying attention."

"Okay," Sugar said, before pointing to Alejandro. "Now, I can let him slide, because maybe it's an acquired taste."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Alejandro asked, scowling.

Sugar beckoned to Dawn. "But that? I don't get it, Chris. She ain't even wearin' any makeup!"

Justin looked at Dawn's face and gasped. "By God, you're right! What a freak!"

"I mean, it just sorta cheapens the whole word 'beauty', you know?" Sugar shrugged. She turned to Dawn. "No offense."

"Wow," Chris said, shaking his head. "Just wow." He glared at the Beauties. "I thought I knew what I was getting into with this team. But you people have blown me away. You are some of the shallowest teenagers on the FACE OF THE PLANET! Has it ever even crossed your mind that beauty can be defined in more than one way?" He beckoned to Dawn. "Dawn is beautiful. More importantly, she has a beautiful _soul_. She _cares_ about people. She _cares_ about nature. You all just care about yourselves! You're vapid, I tell you! VAPID! YOU DISGUST ME! YOU'RE EVERYTHING WRONG WITH SOCIETY!" He took a deep breath, and then held up a mirror, examining himself. "Whew. No damage done. Man, I gotta stop yelling like that. Can't get any more wrinkles on this beautiful face." He put the mirror away, and turned to the campers.

"All right, that should be everyone." He pointed to the grassy clearing next to beach. "Let's all head over there, and then I can begin explaining the logistics of this season to you all." People started to pick up their luggage, but the host quickly held up his hand. "No no! Leave your luggage here on the beach."

Jasmine frowned. "Why?"

"Because, uh… your luggage is heavy, obviously. Wouldn't want to tire you guys out so soon. You all can pick it up later."

"That shouldn't be a problem. If anyone's suitcase is too heavy for them, I can totally—"

"Shut it, Harold!" Chris snapped. "The luggage stays here!"

"It's so obvious what you're going to do, Mclean," Duncan said.

Chris put his hands on his hips. "Oh really? And what is that, smart guy?"

"You're gonna blow up all our luggage."

"What?" Chris exclaimed, avoiding eye contact. "No I'm not!"

"Yes you are. You probably planted mines underneath this beach or something. You'll set them off with a remote control. And then you're gonna go into a spiel about 'expecting the unexpected', and how this will be the toughest season yet," Duncan said. Chris stared at him. The delinquent laughed. "I've been on this show too many times, Mclean. I know all your tricks."

"Nope. You're wrong," Chris insisted. He held up his right hand. "In fact, I swear on my mother's life that I will not blow up your luggage."

Brick glanced at Jasmine. "He wouldn't… he wouldn't swear on his mother's life like that and then lie to us, right?"

Jasmine slowly nodded. "I don't think Chris is _that_ deranged."

Slowly, everyone started walking towards the clearing. Duncan sighed and got up.

"I'm telling you people, he's playing you," he sighed as he followed the crowd. The campers reached the clearing, and came to a stop, glancing around at the area. Chris walked over and stood before them, grinning. There was a long moment of silence, as everyone tensed. However, nothing happened. Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

"See? Told you," Chris laughed. "Come on. I wouldn't just carelessly toss my mom's life around. Same goes for my dad." He paused. "Well, I never actually knew my dad. So… yeah, I don't really have any feelings for him." He paused again. "Actually, if I'm being completely honest, I've always sort of hated my father. So I wouldn't really care if he died. I'd be fine. Maybe even happy." There was a long, awkward silence as everyone stared at him.

Chris scratched the back of his head. "Um, anyways… welcome to Pahkitew Island!" A few campers let out half-hearted cheers. Chris beamed. "For most of you, this is your first time here. As Jasmine, Topher, Scarlett, and Sugar can attest, this is a magical place. And you can only truly experience the magic firsthand. It's a lot like Disneyland in that way. The only difference is, I'm not banned for life from Pahkitew Island."

"Is it all still completely fake?" Jasmine asked, tapping the bark on one of the trees.

"Pretty much," Chris said. "Plastic and metal for dayz up in this bitch."

"But then why do I sense so much life here, Chris?" Dawn knelt down and felt the ground. "There are plants and animals all around us, and they're thriving!"

Chris glanced at the surrounding area. "Well… it _has_ been two years since the last season. That's enough time for some actual nature to mistakenly make its home here. But don't worry. It'll all be removed by tomorrow morning."

"No! You can't!" Dawn cried. "There are babies! Innocent babies! With disabilities!"

"Well, actually, I can. I'm Chris Mclean," Chris pointed out, flashing a smile at the camera. Dawn's lower lip began to tremble. Chris held up his hands. "Whoa! Okay, don't cry. I was only joking. I guess I don't have to obliterate the nature. For now. But the second a bird poops on me, I will have to reconsider." The pale girl sighed with relief. Suddenly, Topher appeared next to Chris.

"Wow. You could've rightfully ignored her, and yet you graciously obliged her request! You are such a great host, you know that?"

"Thank you, Topher."

"So… magnanimous! And yet so sovereign!"

"Thanks, man."

Topher winked. "Not to mention perspicacious."

"Thanks, dude."

"And so diffid—"

"Is this season just going to be us standing here watching him come up with new SAT words to kiss your ass?" Courtney interrupted. "Let's go already!"

Chris groaned. "Ugh… fine." He addressed the crowd. "Okay, people! My overly long preseason monologue cannot continue until we reach the Campfire area. So that's where we're headed next. But first..." He beckoned toward a familiar outhouse sitting at the edge of the clearing. "Back once again, it's the outhouse Confessional. Man, you gotta hand it to him. That outhouse Confessional has been around since forever. This is his fifth season now, and he's still going strong."

"You know, I've always thought of the Confessional as more of a 'she', to be honest, sir. Like a mother figure, or something," Brick said. "Just the vibe I've always gotten."

Chris shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous. The Confessional is absolutely a 'he'. There's really no debate."

"But—"

"NO DEBATE!" Chris shouted. He turned to the others. "Now, if any of you have some pent-up thoughts that already need to be released less than 30 minutes into the season, please do so now. The rest of you can just head straight to the Campfire Pit."

A group of people began making their way towards the Confessional. Suddenly, a blur pushed past all of them, sprinting towards the outhouse. The person threw open the door and dived headfirst inside, crashing down onto the floor. The door slammed shut and locked. The others glanced around at each other.

"Who _was_ that?" Courtney asked.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Topher: Whew… made it… (He slowly lifts his head and gets up from the floor. He throws his hands up triumphantly.) WOO! FIRST CONFESSIONAL OF THE SEASON, BABY! (He sits down, brushing himself off.) Why did it matter so much to me? Well, I'm a very goal-oriented person. All of last season, I was driven by the goal of becoming host. But now that** ** _that_** **ship has sailed, I need to come up with new goals. One of those was getting the first confessional. Which I did. (He sits there, silent.) Um… yeah. That's all. I didn't actually come up with anything to say. (He awkwardly exits.)**

 **(Static)**

 **Courtney: Well, the whole cast is here, and now I can say that this whole cast sucks. Seriously. Person for person, pound for pound, this is the worst group of human beings ever assembled. How am I supposed to tolerate another season of Heather, Duncan,** _ **and**_ **Alejandro? Let alone with a topping of Harold?! And** ** _Eva_** **too? Why** ** _her_** **? Wasn't she supposed to be dead, or something? I'm pretty sure I remember her dying. Seriously, this is awful. (She sighs.) At least Scott isn't here. That's a relief. (Chris sticks his head in through the window.)**

 **Chris: We** _ **do**_ **still have an intern spot available…**

 **Courtney: I will kill you, Chris Mclean.**

 **(Static)**

 **Jasmine: Last time, I was here for the adventure; this time, I'm here to win. Not so much because I need the money, but more because Shawn won't stop bragging about beating me last time. (She laughs.) He hasn't actually spent his own money yet, funnily enough; we're still deciding what he should do with it. We've just been having some… creative differences. I say it should go towards university, while he would rather buy a giant metal box and shove it under the ground and hide in it for the rest of his life until he dies. (She pauses.) Do I sound biased? Well, it's cause I am. (She scowls at the camera.) A ZOMBIE BUNKER MAKES NO SENSE, SHAWN! ZOMBIES DON'T EXIST! WHY ARE WE STILL HAVING THIS DEBATE?!**

 **(Static)**

 **Duncan: I can't believe I'm back on this show for a fifth time. That's just… a sobering thought. Damn. (He cringes. Then he looks directly at the camera.) Oh, and just for the record, I'm not even actually allowed to be-**

 **(Static)**

 **Brick: Sergeant Brick MacArthur, reporting for his first confessional of season 007! (He shakes his head, grinning.) Man, I never thought they'd bring me back. Not after my less than admirable performance in my first go-around. But I guess Chris saw something in me, and decided to give me another shot! And on top of that, I get to be on a team filled with the strongest competitors? I can't wait! (He glances nervously out the window.) The only thing that had me worried was Jo possibly being here, too. I thought for sure she'd be on Team Brawn with me. (He cringes.) That would not have been ideal. It's not that I** _ **hate**_ **Jo… it's just that she always knows how to get under my skin! But I haven't seen her anywhere since I got here, so looks like I had nothing to worry about! That's a relief!**

 **(Static)**

 **Justin (rubbing the bruise on his cheek and looking at his reflection): Ugh... less than thirty minutes into this season, and I'm already hideously deformed. There's only one thing that can save me now. MAKEUP! (He claps expectantly, and a pair of hands appear on either side of his face. While one powders his cheek, the other brushes it with cover-up. As they go about their work, Justin sighs with relief.) Ah... that's better. You know, I should probably be more concerned about where these hands are even coming from, given that I'm in an outhouse. But I'll just roll with it for now.**

 **(Static)**

 **Sugar (as she files her nails): Am I nervous? HA! This is a cast full of nobodies. I ain't heard of any of 'em. But I can already tell that none of these people have the strategical brains to keep up with Sugar. Or the looks. Or the talent. And even if there** ** _is_** **anyone who fits that description... well, I bet they have some real flimsy kneecaps. (She grins and pulls out a wooden club from behind her back.)**

 **(Static)**

 **Alejandro: *sigh*… I must look on the bright side. At least I will have no trouble destroying my team members when it comes time. Ignorant buffoons, the whole lot of them… why must I always end up on the team filled with idiots?!** ** _Dios mio_** **! Their stupidity could power a jet engine all the way to my home country and deliver Christmas gifts to the substantial contingent of impoverished children! And do not get me started on Sugar. She, of all people, has the** _ **audacity**_ **to call** _ **me**_ **ugly?!** _ **Owen**_ **would be an upgrade over that useless, entitled, disgusting—(He cuts himself off, and takes a deep breath.) No. Stop. You must remain calm, Alejandro. Heather told you to have patience. Letting your emotions get the best of you will do you no good. Wait until you are reunited with Heather, and then proceed from there. (He moans.) Oh, but it could be an eternity before I see her again! I cannot wait that long! (Suddenly, his eyes light up.) Wait a minute. Why wait at all? You are Alejandro Burromuerto! You wait for nobody!** ** _Por supuesto!_** **(He races out of the Confessional.)**

 **End of Confessionals**

 **Campfire Area**

The rest of the campers now sat on logs, as the Confessional users showed up one by one. The campfire area, like last time, was located up on a cliff overlooking the beach. Just as Brick sat down, a groan came from the opposite end of the cliff. Tyler, his hair scorched and his face charred, slowly walked forward, dragging his foot. He reached an empty log and collapsed on it.

"Made it… finally… place… at the table… " He threw his hand up triumphantly. However, his arm suddenly wobbled, and his palm came back down and smacked him in the face. "Ow…"

Brick and Jasmine ran up to him.

"Tyler! What happened?" Jasmine exclaimed. She put her hand over her mouth. "Oh my God, I remember! You crashed your truck on your way here! And then we instantly forgot all about you, as if you hadn't even existed!"

"Are you all right, soldier? Do you need medical attention?" Brick asked.

Tyler slowly lifted his head and grinned. "Nah, I'm good. I'm an athlete, man. Every time you wipe out, you just get back up. No excuses. So that's what I did."

Brick gasped. "That's incredible!"

Jo walked in, groaning. "It's also a load of BS. He crash-landed on me while I was in the middle of my run and nearly broke my back. And then I had to carry him all the way here, while he complained about how hungry he was." Tyler was about to speak, but she cut him off. "Yes, I know you didn't have breakfast. I don't care."

Brick let out an earsplitting scream. "Y-YOU!" He pointed a wobbly finger at Jo. "W-where… b-but… y-you weren't…"

Jo smirked at him. "Did you not just hear me, Sergeant Oblivious? I was out my run. That's why I wasn't at the beach when you got there." She suddenly noticed Jasmine, and fist-pumped. "All right, we have the giant? Sweet!"

Brick continued to stare at Jo in horror. "N-no… this is… you can't be… w-why… I d-don't… h-help…" Jo turned to him.

"Dude. Relax. You're freaking me out even more than usual," she said. She then glanced around at the other contestants sitting around on the logs. "Is that Anne Maria? Wow, she looks terrible. Who beat the sh** out of her?"

Brick took a deep breath.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Brick: Yeah, I was caught a little off guard by Jo's sudden arrival. So I got flustered! Can you blame me? I thought I was free of her! I wasn't ready for a plot twist so early in the season like that. But still, I couldn't let Jo think I was afraid of her. Negatory. That would give her the upper hand. I had to play it off.**

 **End of Confessionals**

Brick lifted his hand up to his forehead and saluted Jo, his arm shaking.

"S-Seargant Brick MacArthur, reporting for duty, sir!"

Jo stared at him in confusion. She glanced at Jasmine.

"Is he malfunctioning right now?"

"N-no!" Brick stuttered. "I'm not! I just wanted to introduce m-myself formally! S-since we're teammates!"

"But we already know each other."

 **"** Indeed!" Brick choked. "A m-mistake on my end!"

Jo stared at him. "… I think I'm going to go far away from you right now."

"Probably not the worst idea!"

Shaking her head, Jo walked over to Duncan, leaving Brick standing there, still saluting.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Brick: Well, that seemed better in my head…**

 **(Static)**

 **Jo: Man, Brick is even more awkward and incoherent around me than he was last time. His crush is getting out of control. But who can blame him? (She chuckles.) Too bad I have no time for romance. I'm here to win. And nobody,** _ **especially**_ **not Brick, is standing in my way.**

 **End of Confessionals**

"Okay, campers," Chris said, standing before everyone. "You're all here. Great. Now, the first order of business..." He handed a remote control to Chef, who was standing next to him. The cook glanced at the host. Chris nodded. Chef then pressed a large red button on the controller, and huge explosion suddenly shook the cliff. Everyone jumped up.

"What was that?!" Cameron cried.

"The mines down at the beach just went off."

"WHAT?!" yelled the campers in unison. They all ran over to the edge of the cliff, and saw a large cloud of smoke billowing up from the beach where they had left their suitcases. Heather whipped around to face the host.

"I thought you swore on your mother's life that you wouldn't blow up our luggage!"

"I didn't blow up your luggage," Chris said. "Chef did!"

The campers groaned.

"I told you people not to trust him," Duncan said, still sitting on the log.

Courtney rolled her eyes. "Well, aren't _you_ so special?"

Anne Maria, meanwhile, dropped to her knees at the edge of the cliff, staring at the wreckage below. "No… MY CLOTHES!"

Sugar dropped down next to her. "MY MAKEUP!"

"MY OTAKU COLLECTABLES!" Harold cried, before desperately calling out toward the charred remains of the beach. "SaiLor Jenny-chan! I'm sorry!"

"All right, enough, people! Everyone back to your seats! We don't have all day!" Chris ordered. Everyone shuffled back to the logs, grumbling. Once the contestants were seated again, the host resumed speaking.

"I'm sorry. But this is an important first lesson, people. You always have to expect the unexpected when you're on Total Drama." Suddenly, Topher walked up to the host and placed a hand on his shoulder, beaming.

"No need to apologize, Chris," the brown-haired teenager laughed. "That was awesome! What a way to start the season. Bravo! I totally didn't see it coming, and I loved every second of it. I'm just so hyped now! WOO!" He enthusiastically slapped Chris on the back. "Man, you wouldn't _believe_ how many valuable personal items I had in my suitcase that just got blown up. My phone, my wallet, all of my most expensive clothes, the locket that my grandmother gave to me on her deathbed... it's all been destroyed for pretty much no reason! And now it's like my grandma never even existed, and I failed in completing her dying wish! This will probably haunt me for countless years hereafter until I forget about her existence completely! WOOHOO! I LOVE this show!"

Chris stared at Topher. "Um... okay. I'm... happy to hear it. Please sit down now, Topher." As Topher headed towards his stump, Chris continued speaking. "Uh, anyway... as I was saying, you all will need to expect the unexpected. Especially this season, which will be the toughest yet! Without your luggage, you will have only the clothes on your back and your wits to survive out in the wilderness."

"Wait… there aren't any cabins here?" Noah suddenly asked, looking up from his book in confusion.

"I'm not going to even dignify that with a response," Chris said, scowling. "You'd know the answer if you'd watched even a single minute of season 6. But of course, you thought you were too 'mature' for my program. But not too mature for a show where crazy French figure skaters in pink tights pranced around the screen for half of every episode!" He paused. "But no, there are no cabins." He smirked. "Bet you don't like the sound of that, huh, Noah? Roughing it out there… you're gonna be miserable, you sedentary little creep."

Noah shrugged. "All the more motivation to get voted off first."

Chris's eyelid twitched. "Moving on… each team will trek out into the wilderness to a specifically designated campsite, where they will have to forage and find shelter to survive."

"So we don't get to just set up camp anywhere this time?" Jasmine asked.

"No. There are more of you kids than last time, and we want to be able to at least _somewhat_ keep track of your whereabouts. We're responsible adults here. Now, before you leave for the great outdoors, each team will be given a backpack with a—wait a minute." Chris's eyes widened as a thought crossed his mind. He glanced around. "Was Eva still on that beach?"

"No, sir," Brick said. "I carried her up here. No man left behind."

The TV personality wiped the sweat from his brow. "Phew. That was almost really bad. Anyway, as I was saying, there is a backpack for each team." He beckoned to three backpacks sitting on the ground next to him, each with a team's logo on it.

"In each backpack, you will find a map, compass, and other supplies that you may find useful. You will then navigate your way to your team's campsite. You will know you're in the right spot when you see a flag with your team's logo on it. Any questions?"

"So where are the cabins?" Anne Maria asked.

"You seem a little behind," Chris said. He took out his blow horn. "All right. It's time to kick things off!" He held up the horn. "On your marks… get set…" He covered his ears and pressed the blow horn, and its sound pierced the air. "…GO!" Everyone continued to sit on the logs, confused.

Scarlett frowned at the host. "Wait… is it a race?"

"Well, not really… but I have a feeling that you won't want to be out at dark," the host said ominously.

Everyone quickly got up. Heather and Courtney immediately both latched onto the Brains backpack and began fighting over it; meanwhile, the Brawns arrived at the front of the campfire area, only to see their backpack already on Tyler's back. The jock nodded at them.

"Everyone here? All right, follow me!"

Jo scowled. "Who made you leader? And how are you so healthy all of a sudden?"

Tyler grinned. "I'm an athlete!"

"That's not an explan—"

"Let's go!" Tyler cheered, interrupting her. Before his team could stop him, he was off and sprinting.

"Wait!" Jo yelled. "At least let us look at the map first! You moron! Stop!" The Brawns chased after him into the forest, with Brick panting and lugging Eva on his back.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Tyler: I had to take charge when I saw the opportunity. This was my chance, man! (He shakes his head.) Every season I've been on, I've always been an afterthought. A footnote. An easter egg! Nobody ever remembers me! It took three years of intensive therapy sessions for my own girlfriend to stop calling me Ezekiel! (He throws his hands up.) Come on, people! I'm Tyler! I'm a human being! I have FEELINGS! (He takes a deep breath.) But I won't be forgotten this season. No way. Whatever it takes, I** _ **will**_ **be remembered.**

 **End of Confessionals**

While Sugar, Topher, and Dawn rifled through the Beauty backpack, Justin and Anne Maria examined the map.

"How am I supposed to understand any of this? I never took calculus!" Justin complained.

"Relax, baby. I'm on it," Anne Maria said. She called out to Chris. "Yo! Our map is busted! We need a new one!" Chris walked over, his eyebrow raised.

"Really? How so?"

"Justin can't read it," Anne Maria explained, tenderly placing a hand on the model's shoulder.

"Hmm… well, if Justin can't read it, then the map is probably doing its job," Chris said. He walked away as Anne Maria scowled.

"Not funny! Justin's way hotter than you, by the way!" she called after him.

Sugar, meanwhile, held up the compass. "Damn it, this clock is stopped! Wait now it's movin'! Now it's stoppin' again. What the heck?"

"That's a compass, Sugar," Topher said. "But it's pretty useless if we can't read the map."

Sugar suddenly grabbed Topher by the collar. "No, it's a _clock_. You think you know more than _me_? How many pageants have _you_ won?"

"Um, I've never been in a—"

"Ha! I thought so!" Sugar let go of his collar, and Topher dropped to the ground. "Looks like Sugar wins."

Topher sighed and got up, brushing himself off. A thought suddenly crossed his mind, and he looked around, frowning. "Say, where's Alejandro?"

Before anyone could respond, Dawn gasped. "Guys, I know the way!"

"Really?" Justin exclaimed. "Did you call an Uber? Man, I should've thought of that. I have the app and everything. Not to mention I received a code that gives me a 20 dollar discount spread out over my first four purchases."

"No, silly. Even better! I have a friend who can guide us!" Dawn laughed, pointing to a large blue dragonfly buzzing next to her. "Everyone meet Winston."

The other beauties looked at the dragonfly, before they slowly turned to each other.

"Do we follow her, or do we tell her she's absolutely crazy and run for it?" Anne Maria whispered nervously. Justin tapped his chin, thinking.

"Hmmm…. on the one hand, following her requires a lot less effort. On the other hand… following her requires a lot less effort," he said. He turned back to Dawn. "Lead the way, freaky ghost girl!"

"Okay, Winston!" Dawn said to her dragonfly friend. "Lead us to victory!"

Chris watched the Beauties head out into the forest, before turning to the cameras.

"Two teams are off and running!" The camera panned over to Heather and Courtney, who were still fighting over the backpack while Scarlett and Cameron tried to mediate. "While the Brains spend a little more time planning, inherent to their nature as intellectuals." The camera panned over to Noah, who sat on a log, reading. "While Noah continues to act like he's too cool for all of this. Such an asshole."

Courtney finally wrestled the backpack away from Heather and opened it. The C.I.T. reached inside. Her eyes slowly widened as she felt around within the backpack.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"What?" Cameron asked. "What's the problem?"

Courtney held the backpack upside down, and nothing fell out. "It's completely empty!"

Heather crossed her arms. "Nice going, Courtney. Had the backpack for two seconds, and you already lost all the supplies."

Clutching the backpack, Courtney stormed over to Chris. "Did you think we wouldn't notice?"

The host looked at her innocently. "Whatever do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, Mclean! Give us our map!" Courtney demanded as the other Brains (sans Noah) joined her.

Chris smirked at them. "Why should Team Brains need it? Maps are for the plebeians, after all."

"Are you supposed to be imitating us right now?" Heather asked in disbelief. "None of us have ever said anything like that!"

"Maybe not. But it's always running through your oversized heads. You Brains think you're _sooo_ much smarter than the rest of us, just because you're 'aware of global issues' and 'know how to read'," Chris scoffed. "You're just a bunch of big-headed bullies. I warned you that insulting the entire Total Drama fanbase would not go unpunished. I will defend their honor to my last dying breath."

Harold nodded with approval. "Honor is very important in Japanese culture. I can respect your desire to defend it."

"I can't! This isn't noble, it's blatantly rigging the game!" Courtney snarled. "It's unfair! It's a violation of our rights!"

"What about _my_ right to not care about your rights? Huh?" Chris countered. "Look, I'm sure you kids will think of something to get out of this jam. Make me proud."

"NO!" Courtney shouted. "YOU GIVE US OUR F**KING MAP OR SO HELP ME I WILL—"

Courtney was cut off as Chris pushed her offscreen, grinning at the camera. "Let's take a quick break to hear from our sponsors."

 **Will the Brains figure out a solution? Or has Chris finally stumped them?**

 **Will the Brawns let Tyler take the leadership role?**

 **Can the Beauties survive for more than a day in nature?**

 **And where in the world is Alejandro Burromuerto?**

 **See it all right here, on the next exciting chapter of**

 **Total Drama: Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty!**

* * *

 _ **Team Breakdown:**_

 **The Brains:** Harold, Courtney, Noah, Heather, Cameron, Scarlett

 **The Brawns:** Eva, Jo, Duncan, Brick, Jasmine, Tyler

 **The Beauties:** Alejandro, Sugar, Anne Maria, Topher, Justin, Dawn

* * *

 **LE AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

Hey guys, Cheesebub here! Finally back from rehab! Just kidding. Maybe. Anyways, it's been a year and a half since you all heard from me, and I know you're probably all pissed that my return to the fandom isn't even an update to Total Drama Returns. Yeah... I'm not gonna try to defend myself.

But in my defense, I've been super busy with college and my computer sucks. And I've been stagnant creatively with TDR, a product of my waning interest in the fandom and my hatred of the story. This has lasted for a while, as you can see. But I recently had an explosion of inspiration when I came up with this new concept for a season (I didn't actually come up with it, it's just a complete ripoff of the show Survivor, do not give me any credit). So I decided to run with it. So for now, Total Drama Returns unfortunately remains on hiatus.

But is it even all that unfortunate? Can't we all just agree that Total Drama Returns kinda sucks anyway? It's poorly written, more than a little inappropriate (like does anyone remember that scene where Chef literally tried to _rape_ Lindsay? 'Cause I do. It haunts me to this day), and at times flat-out incomprehensible (like _how the hell_ did Trent electrocute Bridgette using a surfboard? WTF? Ugh, not to mention-sorry, I'm getting off topic). Just think about it this way. I was 12 when I started writing that story. What freaking 12-year-old can write good fanfiction? My brain was literally half developed at the time. Now, after all that nonsense I've put into existence, I just want to write a story that I can actually be proud of. But given the fact that I usually can't stand to look at something a week after I write it, we'll see how it goes.

Anyways, thanks for reading! The next chapter is almost finished, believe it or not, so it should be coming very soon. In the meantime, reviews are always appreciated, as I am a bonafide review whore. So how about to start off, tell me who you're rooting for! Thanks!


	2. E1P2: Campsite Chaos

**Total Drama: Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty**

 **Episode 1 Part 2—Chapter 2: Campsite Chaos**

 **Team Brawn**

The Brawns trekked single-file down a thin dirt path surrounded by thick vegetation. Brick brought up the rear, with Eva's unconscious body draped over his shoulders, struggling to keep up. Jasmine walked in front of him, followed by Duncan. Tyler strode in the lead, his chest puffed out with pride, clutching the map and swinging it back and forth with every step. Jo followed right behind the jock, scowling.

"Shouldn't you be reading the map instead of conducting a marching band with it?" she asked. Tyler turned and grinned back at her.

"There's only one way to go, Jo," he explained, pointing down the path. "No need to keep checking the map."

"And you're _sure_ this is the way?"

Tyler winked at her. "Have I ever let you down before?"

"How the hell should I know? I don't know you."

"Of course you don't," Tyler sighed, his voice suddenly filled with deep sorrow. "Nobody does." He turned around and walked onward. Jo stared at him in confusion. She suddenly heard a voice behind her.

"I have a hard time believing you're okay with _Tyler_ being our leader," Duncan said. Jo turned to the ex-convict.

"Trust me, I'm not. And it's not going to stay this way," she grumbled. She shrugged. "But Tyler was persistent. Besides, he seems like he knows this island pretty well. Wasn't he on Season 6, or something?"

"I have no idea. If he was, I wouldn't remember."

"Whatever," Jo said. "We'll put him in his rightful place eventually. But for now, we'll let him have his moment to shine. Just until we get to the campsite. What's the worst that can happen?"

 **Confession Cam**

 **Jo: Those are the sorts of questions you do not ask on Total Drama.** _ **Ever**_ **.**

 **End of Confessionals**

The Brawn's trek continued, deeper into the forest.

"Ugh…" Brick groaned, his neck straining and his eyes bulging as he trudged along at the back, a few yards behind everyone else. With every step he took, Eva's weight pressed harder and harder onto his spine, until he was nearly crawling across the ground. "The pain… THE PAIN!"

Jasmine turned around, her arms crossed. "All right. You've done more than your fair share of the heavy lifting. It's my turn to carry her."

"N-no!" Brick stammered, straightening his posture. He coughed and lowered his voice. "Um, that will not be necessary, ma'am. You go on ahead. I feel great!" He wheezed in agony, his face turning purple.

"Really. You feel _great_ ," Jasmine repeated skeptically, running her eyes over the cadet.

Brick shakily lifted up his hand and gave her a thumbs-up. "Yep! I'm used to this sort of soul-crushing pain. I love it!"

"At least let me help you carry her," Jasmine said, taking a step toward him.

"No way! This is what I've trained for!" Brick insisted. "Go on. I'll be right behind you." He laughed. "I'm actually loving this hike. It's great to be outdoors!"

Shaking her head, Jasmine turned back around and kept walking. She heard an agonized voice behind her.

"AUGH! WHY? WHY ME?! THE PAIN… IT NEVER RELENTS! MY VERTEBRAE ARE IMPLODING IN ON THEMSELVES! AUGGHGHGH!"

Jasmine turned to Brick, exasperated. "Please just give Eva to me!"

Brick grinned back at the Aussie through gritted teeth. "Are you this protective of Shawn? I'm a grown man. I can handle this."

Sighing, Jasmine turned back around.

"IS THIS MY PUNISHMENT, GOD?! HUH?! WHY WON'T YOU JUST KILL ME INSTEAD?! AT THIS POINT, I'D WELCOME THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH OVER THIS LIVING HELL! AUGH!"

Jasmine turned and faced him. "You're done."

"But—"

"That's an _order_."

Brick stared at her for a moment. Then, without another word, he lifted the tranq'd bodybuilder off of his back and handed her over to Jasmine.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Brick: I never should've told Jasmine my trigger word. (He groans.) Why can't I ever disobey an order?!**

 **Jasmine: There's absolutely extra pressure from being on Team Brawn. We all feel like if we show any weakness, we'll stick out from the group. That's why you have Brick carrying all 100 kilograms of Eva by himself in the back… Tyler acting like he's Christopher Columbus up front… Nobody wants to look they aren't contributing.**

 **End of Confessionals**

Duncan strolled along in front of Jasmine, spinning his pocketknife around his finger and whistling.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Jasmine: Except for Duncan, that is. The only hard work Duncan has done is lugging around his ridiculously heavy coat of plot armor.**

 **End of Confessionals**

Jo continued to follow closely behind Tyler, her eyes trained at the ground. Suddenly, her face smacked into bright red spandex.

"OW!" she cried, clutching her nose. She looked up to see that Tyler had stopped right in front of her. "What's the holdup, jockstrap?"

Without a response, Tyler took out the map, and examined it closely. Jo tried to look over his shoulder, but his head blocked her view.

"Did we make a wrong turn?" she asked. "Is this not the right trail after all?"

"Nah, we're good so far," Tyler assured her. "We're just at a crossroads, according to the map. Gotta decide where to go next."

"Dude, that makes no sense," Duncan said, having caught up. "There's only one way to go. And that's forward."

Tyler laughed and looked up from the map, his eyes glinting. "That's where you're wrong, my friend. We need to go left!"

Duncan and Jo both looked over to the left side of the trail. There was nothing but bushes and trees. Duncan and Jo glanced at each other. Then Jo turned and took a step towards Tyler.

"Give me the map," she ordered, her arm outstretched.

"No time," Tyler said. "Follow me, everyone!"

"No! Stop!" Jo yelled, trying to grab Tyler by the shirt. However, the jock evaded her grasp and walked off the side of the trail, disappearing into the thickets. "Damn it!"

Jasmine and Brick approached, with Eva now slung across Jasmine's shoulders.

"Where'd Tyler go?" Jasmine asked. Jo silently pointed off the trail, which still had an indent where Tyler had climbed through the bushes. Jasmine's eyebrows rose. "He went through _there_? Why?"

"He thinks that's the way to our campsite," Duncan said.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Brick grinned, taking a step towards the side of the trail. However, Jo's hand held him back.

"Nope. No way. We are not following Tyler anymore. He had his chance, but he obviously can't read a map to save his life. I say we cut our losses and keep going straight." Brick frowned at her.

"We have to have faith in our teammates, Jo," he said. "Faith is what will propel our troops to greatness!" He placed a hand on his heart. "I trust Tyler. I know he will lead us to our destination. We just need to believe in him, so that he can believe in _himself_!"

"Oh, I believe, all right," Jo said. "I believe he has absolutely no idea what he's doing!"

"What makes you think that?" Brick asked.

Suddenly, there was a rustling behind them. The four Brawns turned around to see Tyler climbing out of the bushes on the right side of the trail, covered with leaves and twigs.

"All right, guys! I found another trail!" he shouted behind him. "Man, those people need to keep up. They're slower than my paraplegic grandma!" He turned back around and saw his teammates staring at him. The jock did a double take. "What the…? How'd you guys…?" Then he realized he was back where he'd started. "Ohh. Heh heh. Whoops. Don't know how that happened." He checked the map, frowning. Then he laughed. " _Ohhh_. Looks like I took the wrong patch of sketchy, unmarked bushes." Tyler got up onto the trail, and pointed at a grove directly adjacent to the previous one he'd climbed through. "I needed to go through _that_ patch of sketchy, unmarked bushes. How silly of me!" Chuckling, he disappeared off to the left side of the trail once more.

Jo turned back to Brick, her arms crossed. The cadet shrugged.

"What? He made an honest mistake, admitted it, reflected on it, and rectified it. Leadership qualities through and through."

Jo was about to retort, but Jasmine placed a hand on her shoulder.

"I feel just as uncomfortable with this as you do, Jo. But there's not much we can really do. Tyler has the map. We _have_ to follow him."

Jo sighed. "Guess that's true. Until I get that map back from him, we have no choice." She shrugged. "At least I _sort of_ feel like we've made some progress. At the very least, we've progressed towards deciding who's going home first. And I'm _sure_ we're doing way better than the other teams."

* * *

 **Team Beauty**

"Hey look! There's our flag!" Topher yelled. "I can see it through the trees! We made it!" His teammates all cheered as they broke out from the cover of the forest and into the sunlight. They stopped at the edge of their campsite and gazed out at their new surroundings. Everyone's eyes slowly widened as they took it all in.

"Am I… am I dreaming?" Justin gasped.

The Beauties stood on a tropical beach, with swaying palm trees and white sand. The ground sloped slightly downward towards the clear, turquoise water, which sparkled in the sunlight. Sticking out of the sand near the water was the team flag, billowing in the breeze.

"You ain't dreaming, Justin baby," Anne Maria said. "We're in paradise!"

"Oh, Winston, I knew you could do it!" Dawn cried with joy, turning around to face her dragonfly friend. However, Winston was nowhere to be seen. "Winston? Where did you go?" She looked around. "Did any of you see Winston?"

Sugar raised her hand, glancing off to the side. "Uhh… yeah. I did. He flew off real fast once we got here. Told me he had to go, uh… pick up his dragonfly cousin from the dragonfly airport."

"Hmm… that's odd. I do believe you, Sugar. But why do I still sense Winston's presence?" Dawn proclaimed. "I feel as though he is still nearby! How strange!"

"Yeah… heh heh… guess you must be havin' a paranormal typo or somethin'," Sugar said, shrugging. Suddenly, she burped, and a dragonfly wing flew out of her mouth. She frantically grabbed it and hid it behind her back before Dawn noticed.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Sugar: What? I was starvin'! And I know food is gonna be scarce out here. You gotta find sustenance if you wanna survive. And you know what? That dragonfly was delicious. Could've used some mustard, but I ain't gonna be picky.**

 **End of Confessionals**

The Beauties took off their shoes and began walking down towards the water. Topher shook his head in disbelief as he picked up a handful of the sand, which fell through his fingers like heavenly dust.

"I… I don't even know what to say. Chris really threw us a curveball this time around, and I thought I had the man figured out. I was expecting our camp to be in a ravaged toxic wasteland, or on top of an active volcano, or next to a cave of vicious, man-eating cyborg bears," he sighed. "But putting us on a private tropical beach where there are no imminent dangers? I must say that I'm severely disappointed." He turned to a camera attached to a nearby palm tree. "C'mon, Chris! Give us _something_ to work with. Are the waters shark-infested at least? Or perhaps the beach is also home to a sizable and STD-laden homeless population?"

Justin scowled at him. "Stop it! Why are you trying to ruin everything, you masochist?" He addressed the palm tree camera. "Don't listen to him. Our campsite is perfect, Chris. It could use a few more mirrors, admittedly, but I can make do with the 17 of my own that I brought."

"Weren't those mirrors in your suitcase? The same suitcase that Chris blew up?" Topher asked.

Justin stared at him. Then he groaned. "DAMN IT!" He quickly reached inside his waistband, felt around for a second, and pulled out a hand mirror. The model held it up and admired his reflection. "Good thing I always come prepared." Anne Maria, meanwhile, continued to absorb her surroundings.

"Oh my gawd… look at this place! It's gorgeous! I mean, it ain't no Jersey, don't get me wrong… but still!" As she got closer to the water, her eyes lit up. "It's like a photo magazine cover! I can't take it anymore! I gotta put my feet in that ocean!"

Anne Maria sprinted past Topher and Justin down the beach, squealing with excitement. However, right as she reached the team flag, she tripped over a large wooden crate and flew forward, face-planting in the sand. Sugar burst out laughing. Anne Maria rose to her knees, groaning and adjusting her hair.

"What the…?!" She looked back at the crate in confusion. "Where did _that_ come from?"

Justin walked over and examined the box. He noticed a slip of paper with writing sitting on top of it, and picked it up. "There's a note from Chris." He turned around to face his teammates. "Which one of you wants to read it?"

Dawn approached, cradling a wounded turtle she'd found. "Why don't you read it, Justin?"

"I can't," Justin said. He pointed to one of his eyes. "I'm a professional eye model. Don't want to strain my precious corneas with something so trivial as 'reading'."

Topher grinned. "You're an eye model? That's awesome! I've actually been thinking of getting into the eye model industry myself. Heard it's real cutthroat, though. Think I have what it takes?" Justin glanced at over Topher's eyes and cringed.

"Yeah… with those ridiculously asymmetrical retinas? I'm afraid not. You better give up that dream," he said, handing Topher the note. Topher sighed dejectedly, and then began reading.

"Ahem… 'welcome to your new home, Beauty team. As I'm sure you all already know by now, this tropical beach is very beautiful, like you. And now you may be thinking I've accidentally dropped you into an all-expenses paid vacation rather than a competition show. But do not be mistaken. You are still in the wild, and the wild is a dangerous and unpredictable place. The weather may be pleasant and sunny right now, but that can change in an instant. You will have to work together if you wish to survive out here. You will have to hunt and forage for your own food, build your own shelter from scratch, and make your own fire. This crate contains something that will prove crucial to your survival. Use it wisely. Good luck. Your host, Chris Mclean'." Topher lowered the note and glanced at the crate. "Hm. Sounds like we better open this." He noticed a machete in the sand and picked it up. "Guess we need to use this machete to—"

Topher was cut off as Sugar pushed him out of the way and ripped the top of the crate clean off, before peering inside. The pageant queen instantly gasped. She reached inside, scrounged around for a second, and held up a bikini top.

"We got SWIMSUITS!" she screamed.

Justin sprinted over. "Swimsuits, you say?! But are they extremely skimpy and revealing?!" He stuck his head inside the crate, looked around for a moment, and screamed. "By God, they are! WE'RE SAVED!" He pulled out a zebra-pattern thong. "I call dibs on this one! No wait, that one!" The Beauties all crowded around the crate in excitement, except for Dawn, who stood back.

"Um… while I too am appreciative of the underwater garments, I am not sure how they are crucial to our survival," the moonchild pondered.

Justin turned to her, swimsuit in hand. "You've obviously never seen me in a thong." He turned back to the others. "I say we put these on and get in the water! Who's with me?" Everyone cheered in response.

"You are _such_ an innovative thinker!" Anne Maria swooned. "How do you come up with these ideas?"

Justin shrugged. "Really, I just let the _idea_ come to _me_."

"Wow! I never thought of it that way!"

Dawn giggled nervously and glanced at the sun. " _D_ on't you all think it would be wise of us to heed Chris's advice and try to build a shelter?"

Anne Maria scowled at her. "Are you crazy? We _just_ got here! And you already want us to get back to _work_? We walked for like 15-20 minutes! At a slight incline! In _heels_!" Justin suddenly placed a hand on her shoulder.

"No. She's right," he said, and smiled at Dawn. "You bring up a good point, Dawn. It would be aggressively stupid and downright ignorant of us to spend the rest of the day swimming and lazing around when we still don't even have a shelter built."

Dawn smiled. "Why, there's no need to phrase it so harshly. But yes. Once the shelter's built, I'm sure there will be plenty of time to enjoy the beach tomorrow."

"You and I are on the exact same page," Justin said. "In fact, we're even on the exact same paragraph of the exact same page. Maybe even the exact same letter."

"Great! I'm so happy to hear that, Justin. So, how do you want to get started? We have five people here, so if we… wait a minute." Dawn frowned and quickly scanned her teammates. "Where's Alejandro?"

"Yeah… we sort of left without him," Topher sighed. "I noticed and tried to tell you guys, but nobody paid any attention. The man straight up disappeared."

Dawn gasped. "Oh my! That simply won't do! We have to find him!"

"Agreed," Justin said. He patted her on the back. "Would you like to go look for him?"

"Absolutely! Our team needs to be full strength, after all. Maxwell and I will search the forest up and down!" Dawn assured, smiling down at the turtle in her arms. She glanced back up. "But what about the rest of you? Don't you want to come along?"

"Oh believe me, I do. I yearn to find my good friend Alejandro with all my heart. But there's still a shelter to be built. And as you said, that should be a priority," Justin said. He beckoned to the other three. "I'll delegate tasks to these knuckleheads, and we'll get to work while you're gone."

Dawn nodded. "All right. Sounds like a plan. Hopefully I shouldn't be long!" With that, she ran off into the woods. Justin watched her leave, smirking ever so slightly.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Dawn: Wow! That went a lot better than expected. I never thought my team would be so receptive to my idea! It's all thanks to Justin, really. And here I was, thinking we wouldn't get along. He's actually a really sweet and genuine guy! (She shrugs.) His aura, on the other hand… well, that's a different story. But I'm sure I'm just getting a bad read.**

 **End of Confessionals**

Justin turned to Topher, Sugar, and Anne Maria.

"Okay, team. Ready to get to work on the shelter?"

Topher raised an eyebrow. "Wait… you were serious? I thought you just went along with it so that she'd go away."

"Why would you think that? Is it because this beach is amazing and she wants to ruin it?" Justin asked. "Of course not! We need a shelter, people. It's absolutely essential. So let's build one." He put his hand to his chest. "As leader, I will delegate tasks. The three of you… stay here and do nothing. I'll be back in a moment."

Justin walked towards the edge of the forest, over to a patch of bushes. Bending over, he scrounged around for a few seconds, and picked up a stick. He walked back over to where his teammates stood and threw the stick down onto the sand in front of them.

"There. Shelter built," Justin declared, wiping his hands off on Anne Maria's shirt.

Topher stared down at the stick, before glancing up at him. "You're joking, right? How's that going to protect us from the rain? Or anything? It's just a stick!"

Sugar picked up the stick, examining it. "Or maybe it's a magical wizard wand!" She eyed Justin. "Are you friends with the Wizard?"

"What on earth are you talking about? No. I don't know anyone named the 'Wizard'. What do I look like, a _nerd_?" Justin scoffed. "No. I am its very antithesis. My very existence serves to counterbalance the expanding force of 'nerd' that pervades and erodes our society. Now put the stick down and let me explain." Sugar examined the stick for a few more seconds, before dropping it.

"Sure _looks_ like a wizard wand to me…" she muttered. Justin picked up the stick and addressed the others.

"Now, Dawn told us to build a shelter," he said. "But she didn't give us any specific instructions. When you think about it, we could've interpreted 'build a shelter' any number of ways." He pointed to the stick. "Case in point. This is our 'shelter' that we 'built', because we were not given proper guidance."

Topher scratched his head. "Okay… I get what you're trying to say, but I really don't think Dawn will buy that story. We'd have to be complete idiots to think that a single stick could be used for a shelter."

Justin smirked back at him. "Dawn already thinks we're all idiots. We just need to reinforce that perception." He glanced at Sugar. "Shouldn't be too hard for some of us." Sugar glared back at him.

"I HOPE for your own livelihood that you ain't talkin' bout ME, honey," she growled. "Cuz I'll be more than happy to land your face a modelin' gig with my FIST!"

"N-no! Of course not!" Justin quickly backtracked. "I, uh, was talking about…uh… somebody not named Sugar."

Sugar stared at him for a moment, before she laughed. " _Ohhhhh_. I was gonna say! Well, that makes a lot more sense."

"Yeah," Justin said, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Anyways, look at it this way, guys: we can now relax on the beach for the rest of the day, doing absolutely nothing, at no cost whatsoever. I don't see any negatives here. We might even gain a few sympathy points from Dawn when she pities us for our stupidity. It's a win no matter what."

Topher glanced at the ground. "I don't know…"

"There you go!" Justin grinned, giving him a thumbs-up. "You're already getting the 'stupid' act down."

"No…" Topher murmured. "…I'm thinking that maybe we _should_ build a shelter. It might actually be a good idea."

Justin rolled his eyes. "Why? We can just sleep out in the open. I'm not worried. There's not a cloud in the sky."

"Maybe so… but Chris _did_ tell us to always expect the unexpected."

"Chris can't change the weather in an instant. The man is not that powerful. Maybe back when this show had a bigger budget, but not these days," Justin said. "We'll be fine."

"But—

"Dude. Seriously. Look at where we are. We're in the middle of a f**king Hawaiian paradise. I am extremely good looking. _Nothing_ can go wrong," Justin insisted. "And yes, I feel perfectly comfortable making that statement, fully aware of the potential ironic repercussions later on." The model tossed Topher a bathing suit. "Now put that on and relax." He held up a bottle of sunscreen. "And while we're at it, who wants to lotion my back?" Anne Maria dove at the bottle before he'd even finished the sentence.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Justin: People underestimate me. They think that I'm only here for the brand recognition. And while it's true that my designer thongs have not been flying off the shelves as of late, that has nothing to do with why I came back. (He takes a deep breath and bites his lip.) I'm doing this for the children. You see, I recently visited a children's hospital in Vancouver. No, it had nothing to do with trying to sell my line of designer thongs. Why would you think that? That's sick! It was out of the kindness of my heart, obviously. Anyways, I learned at the hospital that there are** _ **thousands**_ **of kids around the country who are confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their lives. Never to walk again. (His eyes grow watery.) So many of these kids think that just because they have a staggering and frankly insurmountable disability, they can't succeed in life. Well, I'm here to prove to them that they** _ **can**_ **. I will be their torchbearer, their symbol of hope. I will show them and the world that you** _ **can**_ **win this game without having to move a muscle.**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Campfire Area (Team Brains)**

Courtney continued to argue with Chris over the missing map, while the rest of her team had retreated.

"You can't rig the game against us like this! It's just wrong! It's unfair! It's unjust!" she cried.

"Don't care. Don't care. Don't care," Chris responded.

"Wow. Really mature, Chris. Maybe you _should_ care, given that this is _your_ show. How do you think this is going to come across on TV?"

"You really think this is making the final cut?" Chris laughed. "In case you weren't aware, every episode is a highly edited product, Courtney. And guess who edits it? Me. I control how _everything_ comes across on TV. I already have your team's narrative ready to go. The so-called 'Brains' manage to lose their map on the _first day_! Talk about humiliating!"

Courtney suddenly lunged forward and grabbed the host by his shirt collar.

"WHERE IS IT?! YOU HAVE TO BE HIDING IT SOMEWHERE!" she shouted. The C.I.T. thrust her right hand into his pocket, digging around inside.

"GAH! Stop it!" Chris yelled. "This is assault! This is rape! THIS IS RAPE! I'M BEING VIOLATED! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

As Courtney continued to search Chris, the rest of the Brains stood around the logs.

Scarlett sighed. "You know, I had a feeling that Chris would hold a bias against us because of his insecurity over his own intellectual shortcomings, but not to this extent."

"Courtney's certainly not helping the situation," Heather muttered.

Scarlett shrugged. "It might work. I wouldn't put it past Chris to just be hiding the map in his pocket."

"But what if Courtney can't find it? Then what do we do?" Cameron asked worriedly. "How will we find our campsite?"

"According to my calculations… we won't," Scarlett sighed.

"Do we really _need_ a campsite?" Harold asked. "As long as we have each other—"

"Shut up, Harold," Heather said. She turned and glared at Noah, who was still sitting on a stump and reading his book. "Any input from the Reading Rainbow over there?"

Noah didn't look up from his book. "I think we should devise a strategy."

" _What_ strategy?"

"A strategic strategy."

"Wow. Great insight." Heather scowled. "Now can you provide some insight into how a useless prick like you ever got a girlfriend?"

"Yes, please!" Harold exclaimed, nodding enthusiastically. "The success and longevity of your relationship with Emma is truly inspiring to me. I'd love to hear some dating wisdom from a fellow nerd. I myself am in the midst of a complicated romantic situation, and your advice would be truly—"

"No! Stop!" Heather interrupted. "It was a rhetorical question!" She turned to Scarlett. "Come on. You must have _some_ idea. Didn't you, like, memorize the entire layout of this island back when you went psycho?"

"I did. But the island has been vastly reconfigured since then, most likely to prevent a similar incident," Scarlett said. She shook her head. "I am as lost as you are. It would seem like there is no way for us to reach our campsite without the map." She paused for a long time. "But… perhaps we should consider the fact that _someone_ must know where our campsite is. After all, someone put our flag there."

Heather stared at her. "So…?"

"So… perhaps there is a way to… _retrieve_ that information from said someone," Scarlett said, glancing at Chris.

"But who would that be?" Heather asked, puzzled. Scarlett stared at her.

"Umm… I'm not sure," she said, glancing more forcefully at Chris. Heather followed the genius girl's line of sight. Her eyes widened.

"Of course!" Heather gasped. She grinned at Scarlett. "I know what to do."

Scarlett smiled back. "That's great! What's the plan?"

 **Confession Cam**

 **Scarlett: It is not in my best interest to seem intellectually competent at this point in the game. As Chris has explicitly proven, intellectual competence threatens people. And it is imperative that I do not come across as threatening so early on. So when I have an idea, I will not express it. Instead, I will lead someone else to the same conclusion, and make him or her think that** _ **they**_ **came up with the idea. Given the raging wildfires that are my teammates' egos, that should not be a difficult task.**

 **End of Confessionals**

Courtney toppled backward to the ground, her hair tousled, groaning. Chris took a defensive stance as she slowly stood and rolled up her sleeves.

"Okay… so the map's not in your pockets… but there's plenty of other places I can check," the brunette growled, cracking her knuckles ominously.

Chris stared at her in horror, before frantically running his hands over his body. "C'mon… where the hell did I put that tranq gun?!"

Courtney was about to lunge at the host when Heather suddenly stepped in front of her.

"Get out of the way!" the C.I.T. snarled, but was ignored.

"Hey there, Chris," Heather warmly greeted the host. "How's it going?"

"What do you want?" Chris muttered, brushing himself off.

"Just came here to let you know that we figured out our campsite's location."

Chris raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?" He feigned shock. "Wow, Heather. That sure is impressive. What'd that take you guys, two minutes? You'd _think_ that would be impossible. But I _totally_ believe you, Heather. Just tell me: how _ever_ did you manage to accomplish such a feat?"

"Yeah! And without me?" added Courtney, confused.

"We just put our heads together as the Brains and came up with a solution," Heather said. "Like you suggested, Chris. You can be skeptical all you want. But it won't change the fact that we now know our camp is at the base of the cliff."

Chris stared at Heather for a moment. Then he shrugged, smirking. "As host, I can neither confirm nor deny your statement."

"Actually, I got that wrong," Heather said. "It's by a swamp."

Chris simply shrugged, his smirk persisting. "This isn't going to work, Heather."

"No, wait. It's on a beach."

Chris shrugged again.

"It's in a cave."

Chris shrugged again.

"It's along the river."

Chris started to shrug again, but then suddenly stopped. "Huh? The river? No. No, it's definitely not there. Don't go there."

"So it _is_ along the river," Heather concluded. She shook her head. "C'mon, Chris. Did you really have to give it away so easily? I was hoping for a little more of a challenge than that."

Chris stared at her in shock.

"Way to go, Heather!" Courtney cheered, before clamping her hand over her mouth in embarrassment.

"Well, guess that settles that. Better go tell the others," Heather said, and began to walk away. Chris suddenly jumped in front of her, blocking her path.

"H-hold on! I'm serious!" he cried. "Your campsite is not by the river! Why aren't you listening to me?!"

"Hmm… well, it may have something to do with the fact that you've explicitly sabotaged our team up to this point," Heather noted.

"'Sabotage' is a strong word, Heather."

"And an accurate one."

"'Accurate' is a strong word as well, Heather."

"Are you going to move or will I have to test how accurate my foot is at kicking you in the balls?"

Chris threw up his hands. "What do you want? Do you want a confession? I'll give you one! Yes, I've sabotaged your team up to this point. But this? This is no longer sabotage. This is the truth. If you go to that river, disaster will strike upon not just yourselves, but all of us. Innocent lives will be lost. Children will be fed to the flames of the—"

"Please, Chris, just shut the f**k up. You've lost. It's over."

"You know what? Fine!" Chris snapped. "Go to the river. See if I care! I _promise_ you that your camp won't be there. You'll look so stupid for not listening to me. Everyone… will… uh… think you're… stupid people!"

"Oooh… how threatening," said Heather sarcastically. "But I think we'll take our chances." She pushed past Chris, followed by Courtney. Chris watched them walk over to their teammates and begin telling them the information. The host slowly clenched his fists, staring at the ground.

"Well…" he murmured, "…it appears my plan backfired. I've been outsmarted. The nefarious teens have won. But… they forgot one important fact." He slowly reached into his pocket. "Chris Mclean can't be outsmarted…" He pulled out a walkie-talkie. "And he _won't_ be outsmarted!"

The TV personality pressed a button on the radio and barked into the receiver. "Chef! Chef, do you copy?"

There was no response. The host hit the button again. "Chef! Answer me!"

Still no response. "CHEF!"

After four more attempts, Chef finally responded. "Yeah? What?"

"Ugh, _finally_ ," Chris groaned. "Why didn't you respond the first time? Do you think you're too cool for me? Obviously, given that you still haven't added me on Snapchat. Do you not realize how absolutely fire my snaps are? But that talk is for another time. Stop whatever you're doing and go to the river right now. Once you're there, find the spot where you put the Brains flag. I want you to take that flag and move it to another location. Preferably an obscure and faraway one. But it really doesn't matter where. Throw it in a dumpster, for all I care. In fact, a dumpster would be ideal. Just make sure it's somewhere that the Brains can never, ever find it. Got it?"

Chris received no response. He brought the walkie-talkie up to his mouth. "I said, _got it_?!"

There was a long pause. Then, Chef's voice came out the other end. "Yeah, I got it."

"Good. That's what I like t—"

"But I ain't doin' it."

"…What?"

"You heard me. I ain't doin' it! I'm busy."

"Busy? Busy doing _what_?" Chris asked, flabbergasted. "Frying some random dead animal? Being emotionally repressed? You have plenty of time for that during the rest of the day! This is an emergency!"

"If it's such an emergency, Chris, move the damn flag yourself."

"Just tell me what you're doing that's so important!" Chris cried. The host suddenly paused, listening to the speaker. He slowly frowned. "Wait. What's that in the background? Is that… tropical music?"

The camera switched to Chef's walkie-talkie and slowly zoomed out, revealing that the cook was laying in a sunbathing chair on the beach, wearing swim trucks and holding a martini glass. Lying in a chair next to him was Justin, who held a martini glass of his own. Chef tossed the walkie-talkie down onto the sand. Then he glanced over at the model.

"Sorry about that… I had to answer. That fool wasn't gonna stop calling me until I did. I hope you don't—"

"No no, Chef," Justin cut him off, holding up a hand. "Don't apologize. You are my guest. And thus, you are free to do as you please. I think you dealt with Chris in a very respectable manner."

"Thanks, man," Chef sighed, and leaned back in his chair. "And thanks again for letting me chill here with you guys. The lord knows I needed a break."

"Oh, don't thank me, Chef," Justin insisted. "You're more than welcome to come to our beach whenever you want. In fact, between you and me, I already consider you an honorary member of Team Beauty."

Chef gasped. " _Really_?"

"Of course! You fit right in with us. I've never seen a better-looking 70-year-old." Justin paused, and glanced over at Chef. "You're 70, right?"

"Uh… somewhere around there."

"Well, let me be the first to say that you've aged incredibly well," Justin said. He beckoned to Chef's chest. "I mean, just look at those pecs! They're huge! What's your secret?"

Chef shrugged, blushing. "Oh, you know… I flip a lot of burgers."

"Flipping burgers, you say?" the model asked, to which Chef nodded. "Wow. Ingenious! Absolutely ingenious. Have you ever thought about marketing your workout routine to a broader audience?"

"No. I haven't," murmured Chef. His eyebrows suddenly shot up. "Are you suggesting…?"

"Absolutely," said Justin. "This is potentially a million-dollar idea you've got on your hands here, Chef. Think about it. Who's looking for new workout routines? Fat people. And how do you get fat people interested in your product? You make it involve food. With your workout, they won't even have to change their schedule. The morbidly obese will be clamoring for spatulas by the thousands!"

"You really think so?!" Chef cried.

"Chef, I know so. I may seem like just a model, but I'm also a seasoned entrepreneur. Have you heard about my line of custom designer thongs? I know a thing or two about business." Justin placed a comforting hand on Chef's shoulder. "Chris thinks your ideas are worthless, Chef. He doesn't care about you. He only cares about how _he_ can profit." He beckoned around them. "But here, in Justin Land, your ideas will always be valued, if not celebrated."

The camera panned over to Topher, sitting in a beach chair next to him with his eyebrow raised. "'Justin Land'?"

Justin glanced at him and shrugged. "Tentative name that I gave to this place. Obviously, I'm still open to suggestions, but I think it has a nice ring to it." He turned back to Chef. "Anyway, we can talk more business later on. But for now, let's just enjoy the afternoon." He held up his martini glass. "To good friends, new beginnings, and most importantly, being beautiful."

Chef held up his glass, grinning. "What you said!" The two clinked their glasses together.

The walkie-talkie, which was now half buried in the sand, lit up. Chris' voice crackled from the speaker. "Hey! That better not be the sound of martini glasses being clinked without me! Chef, you tell me where you are right now or you can say goodbye to your paycheck!"

Chef ripped the remote out of the ground and yelled into the receiver. "The only thing I'm saying goodbye to is you not valuing my ideas!"

"Um… what? What does that even mean?"

"Exactly! Case in point, Mclean! You don't understand me! But _Justin_ does. He's the only one."

"…What?! You're with _Justin_ right now? Chef, I told you, you're not supposed to—"

"You can't tell me what to do anymore! I'm gonna be a millionaire!" Chef screamed, before rearing his arm back and tossing the walkie-talkie as far as he could. It splashed down into the ocean and sunk beneath the surface of the water with a glug.

"Chef?! Chef!" Chris shouted into his receiver, but was met with nothing but gurgling static. "Damn it!" The host hurled his walkie-talkie at nearby a tree in frustration. However, it richoted off the trunk and slammed into his crotch. "AUGH!" He keeled over and collapsed to his knees, groaning in pain. Gritting his teeth, Chris glanced over at the Brains, who were in the midst of planning their departure.

"I believe our best strategy would be to find the river head and follow it from there," Cameron said. "That will undoubtedly take us to our campsite!"

Scarlett nodded. "Indeed. That would be the logical assumption. Excellent idea, Cameron."

"But where _is_ the river? Does anyone know?" Courtney asked. Harold placed a hand on her shoulder.

"It's not far from here at all. About a quarter of a mile to the west," he said.

Courtney glared at him suspiciously. "And why do you know that?"

"I was actually on the lookout for a river from the moment I arrived," Harold explained. "After all, rivers are the best spot for my martial arts training. Practicing my skillz near such an impressive body of water allows me to connect with the deepest spirits of nature and harness the—"

"Okay, I didn't care that much," Courtney interrupted.

"Well, either way, we need to go," Heather said. She pointed toward the sun, which was beginning to sink towards the treetops. "There's three more hours of daylight left at the most."

"Yeah… and that could be a problem," Scarlett noted. "Assuming my recollections of last season are still accurate, the river here spans nearly the entire island. If our camp is located at the other end of the river, we will have to walk a considerable distance before we arrive. It will likely be dark by then, and we still won't have a shelter built."

"Well then," Noah said from his seat on the log. "I hate to say it, team, but it looks like we'll just have to camp here for the night instead of trekking out into the middle of a forest filled with things that will eat us. What a shame." He returned to reading his book.

"Not necessarily," Scarlett said. "There could be a faster way to get there."

"Do you have an idea, Scarlett?" Cameron asked.

"No… but maybe someone else does. I'm sure there's another solution. We just have to think. How can we utilize our surroundings?" Scarlett's teammates stared at her blankly. "Anyone?" The awkward silence continued. Scarlett sighed and pushed her glasses up the brim of her nose. "Well… to start, the river here flows at a rate of nearly 20 miles per hour." The others continued to stare. Scarlett sighed again.

"...Therefore, if we were to build a vessel that could harness the flow of river, we could travel at triple, or even quadruple, the speed as that of walking." She paused. Still nothing but stares. "…The problem is, I don't know what that vessel would be and how we would construct it. The only useful resource in this area is wood. What is something that we all can ride, that floats on water, and is made out of wood? I am truly stumped."

After another long silence, Courtney slowly raised her hand. "What about a raft?"

Scarlett gasped. "A raft! That's it! We can build a raft!" She beamed at Courtney. "Amazing! How did you come up with that?"

The brunette shrugged, smiling. "Well, I _am_ a C.I.T."

"Oh, give me a break. She literally spoon-fed you the answer," Heather said, rolling her eyes.

"And yet somehow, I was the only one to figure it out," Courtney retorted.

Heather scowled back at her. "Whoop dee doo. Do you want a medal? Don't forget that we wouldn't even _know_ where our campsite _is_ if it weren't for _me_."

"There is no need to argue, ladies," Scarlett said, stepping between them. "You both have contributed to the team. But now is the time for action. It's getting quite late."

"Agreed," Courtney said. She turned to the others. "Okay, everyone. Here's the plan. I want the five of you to head to the forest and collect wood for the raft. Meanwhile, I'll go to the craft services tent and look for rope to hold it together. Let's meet back here in 10."

The words had barely left her mouth before Harold had already dashed off in the direction of the forest, sprinting as fast as he could. Cameron and Scarlett glanced at each other, before following after him. Heather left next, but not before pointedly glaring at Courtney. Noah, however, remained sitting on the log. He had just turned a page in his book when Courtney walked over to him, her arms crossed.

"'Everyone' happens to include _you_ , Noah."

"Look, Courtney, I'm not doubting your leadership abilities here or anything, given that you've never acted like an irrational person in the past," Noah said without glancing up. "But do we really need five people just to collect wood? Seems like a waste of resources. How about I stay here and man the fort while you all are gone?" Courtney snarled viciously at him. "Okay, okay! Never mind, then."

Shaking his head, Noah stood up and began walking toward the forest. Courtney watched him leave, before taking off toward the craft services tent.

Nobody noticed the figure lurking in the shadows, watching their every move.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Noah: Believe it or not, I actually do want to win this season. Sure, I may not be putting in the most effort towards achieving that goal right now. (He shrugs.) For some strange reason, I've found it difficult to gather the motivation. (He taps his chin.) Wild guess, but it may have something to do with the fact that my girlfriend is busy pursuing her masters law degree, while I'm busy pursuing a check that will make me her slightly less pitiful D-list celebrity househusband.**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Beauty Beach**

"Ahh…" Justin sighed. The gorgeous teenager floated on his back among the clear blue waves, the sun kissing his chiseled face. With a kick of his legs, he floated over to Chef and Topher, who sat in the water with him. "Tell me, gentlemen. And be honest. Could this be any more perfect?" He beckoned around. "Warm water, tropical setting, martini glass in hand… the only thing that's missing from this scene is an overlaid track of my name being repeated seductively."

"Do you want me to go get one for you?" Chef asked eagerly.

"No no, that's quite all right," Justin said. "It'll be tough, but I think I can manage without one for now." He slowly closed his eyes and drifted away. Topher, meanwhile, stared at the water sadly.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Topher: Our campsite is wonderful. My teammates are nice and I get along with everyone. I'm very happy and at peace with the current situation. (He groans.) And it SUCKS! Where's the Total Drama that I know and love?! The one where nobody ever has any fun and everyone hates each other? Is it gone for GOOD?! What have you done, Mclean?! (He pounds his fist against the Confessional wall in anguish.)**

 **End of Confessionals**

Topher was broken out of his depressed trance by the sound of Anne Maria's voice calling towards them.

"Heyo!" The Jersey girl now stood on the beach, having changed into a bright pink bikini. She strutted forward and posed, grinning. "How do I look in my new swimsuit?"

Topher gave her a thumbs-up. "You look grea—"

"I'm not talkin' to you!" Anne Maria snapped. "I'm talkin' to Justin!" She waved to the pretty boy. "Hey Justin! How do I look?"

Justin glanced over at her. He paused before speaking.

"Hmm… how do I phrase this? You look like you could, potentially, after a few drinks, pass for the funhouse mirror reflection of a girl I would associate with."

Anne Maria gasped. "That's the nicest thing anyone's evah said to me!" Suddenly, a large hand slammed into her face and shoved her out of the way.

"Quit hoggin' the camera. It's _my_ turn on the runway!" Sugar declared as she stepped forward and posed. Justin, Topher, and Chef's eyes widened in horror at the sight.

Sugar wore a teal bikini that was way too small for her, stretched taught against her skin. It shuddered mightily as it attempted to contain her massive form.

"What do y'all think?" the pageant queen asked, pursing her lips. Chef, Topher, and Justin remained speechless. Sugar glared at them. "Hello? I ain't got all day! Gimme your scores, judges!" The three males all glanced at each other, before turning back to Sugar.

"Umm… it's certainly… graphic," Topher said, forcing a smile.

"That ain't a score, dumbass!" Sugar yelled. "I need a number from 1 to 10!"

The guys glanced at each other again. "Umm…"

"A. **NUMBER**. FROM. 1. TO. **10**!"

"T-ten!" the trio frantically stuttered.

"Aww… thank you! Y'all are too kind!" Sugar giggled. Anne Maria got up, scowling.

"I got a foot that's about to give you a score of its own, bitc…" She trailed off as she noticed Sugar's bikini. "…Oh my God. Where the hell did you _get_ that?"

Sugar crossed her arms, smirking. "Jealous? I found it at the bottom of the crate, hidden under all the other swimsuits. Waitin' just for me. Like it was destiny, or somethin'!"

"Destiny for you to traumatize all of us, maybe," Justin muttered. Sugar whipped around to face him.

"You wanna say that a little LOUDER, buddy?!" she yelled. The model frantically shook his head and ducked underneath the water. "That's what I thought!" Sugar turned back around to face Anne Maria. "Anyways, this swimsuit is officially mine. And little piece of advice: you do _not_ want to take what belongs to Sugar. Uncle Jed learned that lesson the hard way when he tried to steal my favorite shovel."

"Wait," Anne Maria said, as a thought suddenly dawned on her. She glanced at Sugar's bikini again. "Does that thing have a label?"

Sugar shrugged. "Not that I've noticed." She thought for a moment. "Actually, there _was_ one that I ripped off. It said that this bikini is made from 100 percent all-natural industrial hemp. Not like I have any idea what any of that hippy dippy gibberish means."

"Welp, that confirms it," Anne Maria said. "That's not your swimsuit."

Sugar glared at her. "Whaddaya mean, this ain't my swimsuit? Are you deaf? I _just_ said that it's mine!"

"I mean it belongs to someone else!"

"Oh really? And who the heck would it belong to?" Sugar pointed at Chef. "Him? Because I really don't th—wait a minute. What is he doin' here, anyway? Is anyone gonna explain that?" Chef sheepishly waved back at her.

Anne Maria shook her head. "No, Sugar. That's _Dawn_ 's swimsuit."

Sugar stared at her in confusion. "Dawn? Is that someone I'm supposed to know?"

"Oh God, you're right!" Justin gasped. "No wonder it's so small on her!"

"Seriously! Who is Dawn?!" Sugar demanded.

"She's the really creepy pale girl that we're all scared of," Topher answered.

" _Ohhh_. Her! Yeah, I remember the creepy girl," Sugar said. She looked around. "Where'd she go, anyway? Haven't seen her in a while."

"She went to go look for Alejandro," Anne Maria said. "And because she isn't here, you musta taken her bikini by accident. Anyways, better change into the right one before she gets back, huh?"

Everyone else nodded enthusiastically at this prospect. Sugar, however, shook her head.

"No way! It took me forty-five minutes to squeeze into this thing. Not to mention an entire SWAT team of interns and eight sticks of butter. You think I'm takin' it off now? No chance! This bikini is stayin' on for the rest of the _game_ if Sugar can help it. I don't care if it's cutting off the circulation of all my major arteries!"

"But… what about Dawn?" Anne Maria pointed out, as the others frantically nodded. "I bet she won't be happy that you stole from her. Do you really want to see how she reacts? She'll probably turn you into a tree or somethin'!"

"Nah, Dawn'll understand. She knows I'll give it back to her once I'm done," Sugar said. "Besides, what I'm doin' is perfectly normal! Us pageant girls used to lend each other our clothes all the time during competitions. Admittedly, the clothes were usually laced with some form of deadly poison, but that's a trivial detail."

Topher swallowed deeply. "But what about, um—

"Just give it UP already!" Sugar groaned. "You can't stop me, people. I'm keepin' this on. So I recommend that y'all get used to this sight, 'cause it's all you're gonna be seein' for a _very_ long time." Sugar then grabbed a beach chair, slammed it into the sand, and sat down in it with her arms crossed.

Everyone stared at her silently as her words sunk in.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Justin: Well, it appears I will no longer have a viable career as an eye model. (He pauses.) At least, not once I've removed my eyes from my skull and set them on fire.**

 **(Static)**

 **Anne Maria: Uggh…. I cannot STAND that Sugar girl. We're supposed to look at** _ **that**_ **for the rest of the competition? UGH! And** _ **just**_ **when I thought this season wouldn't suck! Bitch has to stroll out a beach bod constructed outta children's nightmares!**

 **(Static)**

 **Sugar (wearing Dawn's bikini): Yeah, I know this swimsuit is way too small for me. And I know it makes everyone super uncomfortable. (She grins evilly.) But that's just all part of my advanced strategy. Everyone was gettin' along too well for Sugar's liking, you see. There ain't no fun in that. But now that I'm wearin' this out in the open, everyone's on edge. Eventually, that will lead to paranoia. Paranoia will lead to fightin' between team members. Fightin' will lead to chaos. And once there's chaos, Sugar will take control! (She laughs.) That's right. I'm always one step ahead of the competition.**

 **End of Confessionals**

Time passed at the Beauty beach. Sugar had fallen asleep in the beach chair, snoring loudly. The rest of the Beauties and Chef, meanwhile, relaxed in the ocean, though a stifling tension remained in the air. Justin sat in the shallow waters facing away from the beach, while Anne Maria massaged his shoulders.

"See, Justin? If you face that way, you can't see her at all," she soothed.

"I can still hear her. I can still _feel_ her," Justin shuddered. "That's all it takes for the PTSD to start up again." He threw his hands up. "I didn't even know you could _get_ PTSD from something that happened five minutes ago!"

"If you want, we could try to force her to take it off," Anne Maria offered.

Justin shook his head. "No way. That requires us to see her once she's taken it off. With _nothing_ on. Do you want _that_?" He shook his head again. "No, our best strategy is to just vote Sugar off the first chance we get. All in favor?" Everyone, including the cameramen, raised their hand. Justin nodded with approval. "Good. I'm sure Alejandro and Dawn will be on board too once they bear witness to the horror."

Suddenly, a cluster of bushes near the forest began rustling, and faint voices could be heard. Topher raised an eyebrow.

"Wow. Talk about convenient timing. Sounds like they're back."

Justin quickly turned to Anne Maria and Topher. "You two remember the story we're giving them, right? We're complete idiots who thought a stick would serve as a viable shelter, and that's why we've spent the afternoon doing nothing."

Chef, who floated nearby, frowned at this. "Uh, that doesn't sound very believable, man."

"What do _you_ know?" Justin snapped. "You're a chef, not an architect. Stay in your goddamn lane."

The bushes rustled for a few more seconds, before a figure stepped out onto the beach, brushing leaves out of their hair. However, it was neither Alejandro nor Dawn, but rather Tyler, holding a map and wearing a backpack. The jock slowly looked up from the sand, and gasped when he saw the team flag planted near the water.

"We made it, guys! We're here!" he shouted behind him. Cheers erupted from the forest, and the rest of the Brawns walked out from under the canopy. Jo came first; followed by Duncan; then Brick; and finally Jasmine, lugging Eva's body on her shoulders. Everyone gasped as they looked around at the beach.

"This is incredible!" Jasmine exclaimed, dropping Eva's body in the sand next to her. "This place is actually our _campsite_?!"

"Indeed it is, Jasmine," Tyler said. "Indeed it is."

Duncan gazed out at the water. "Hmm… you know, maybe coming back for a fifth season of this show wasn't the absolute worst idea." He shrugged. "I mean, it'll still be a shameful secret that I'll have to hide from everyone I know in real life, but hey, this beach seems pretty legit."

As the team continued to marvel at their surroundings, Jo walked over to Tyler.

"I can't believe I'm actually saying this. I never, in a million years, thought these words would come out of my mouth unless they were entirely sarcastic." The female athlete paused. "But well done, Tyler. You did it." She laughed. "And here I thought you were a complete tool who had no idea what he was doing and would get us all lost. But damn it, you proved me wrong."

Tyler smiled back at her. "I know you had your doubts, Jo. But still, you gave me a chance. That's all I wanted. And thanks to that chance that you gave me, I was able to help the team accomplish something great today. And now, I can only hope that I have proven myself worthy to be considered a part of your team."

"You have, Tyler. You have," Jo said, smiling back at him. She suddenly shook her head, scowling. "Okay, this scene is getting way too Disney." She turned to the others. "Let's get a move on, people!"

The Brawns started walking down the beach towards the water, with Tyler leading the way. They still didn't notice the Beauties sitting in the ocean, watching them in confusion.

"You know, I've never actually been to a tropical beach before. Never had the chance," Brick said as they walked. He shook with excitement. "But now that I'm here, there are so many things I can't wait to do! Like playing in the sand, and collecting seashells, and gathering flowers, and..." He trailed off as he noticed Duncan staring at him. He coughed and lowered his voice. "And, erm, digging holes. And shooting things. With my gun. And having testosterone."

"Not to worry, Brick," Tyler said, grinning back at him. "All of those activities and more will be available to you here at Tyler Land." Noticing his teammates' raised eyebrows, he shrugged. "Just a tentative name I gave to the place."

 **Confession Cam**

 **Tyler: Yeah, I was a little cocky at that point. Could you blame me? I'd gone from not having a place at the table, not even being allowed in the** _ **room**_ **in which the table was located, to sitting at the head of the table in a diamond-studded throne! Finally, after all my painstaking efforts, I had garnered the respect and adoration of my teammates.** _ **Nothing**_ **could go wrong.**

 **End of Confessionals**

Tyler continued to stride forward towards the water, his chest jutting out with pride.

"I'm the best! I'm the best! I'm the best!" he sang to himself. Suddenly, he collided with Sugar's beach chair and tripped over her sleeping body, face-planting in the sand. Sugar snorted and snapped awake.

"Huh? Whosat? Jesus?" she sputtered. The pageant queen rubbed her eyes, looked forward, and saw Tyler lying spread-eagled in the sand in front of her. She screamed and jumped out of her chair. "You ain't Jesus!" Tyler turned around at the sound of her voice, saw Sugar, and jumped back in fright.

"What are _you_ doing here?!" he cried, and then covered his eyes. "And where are your clothes?!"

"Um, excuse me? I'm wearin' a swimsuit, moron!" Sugar snapped.

Tyler peered through his fingers, his eyes squinted. "… _That's_ supposed to be a swimsuit?"

"Yes it is, technically," Justin answered from the water. "It just happens to leave nothing to the imagination. And in this instance, the reality is far more disturbing than anything your deepest, darkest psyche could ever muster."

Tyler whipped around to face him, his eyes wide in shock. "What the…?! You're here too?!" He suddenly noticed Topher and Anne Maria. "And you guys?!" He noticed Chef. "And _you_?!"

"Uh, yeah," Anne Maria said. "We've been here a while now."

Tyler frantically turned back to his teammates.

"This is a code red emergency, people! Our campsite has been invaded by Team Beauty! And Chef!" He pointed towards the water. "They think they can get away with this just because they're beautiful, but they cannot! Their crime will _not_ go unpunished!" He turned back to his team, his fist raised. "Now is when we must come together as the Brawns, and fight to reclaim what's rightfully ours! Let us gather our troops and—"

"Yeah, I hate to kill your super inspiring rallying cry," Justin said, "but this is _our_ campsite."

Tyler dropped his fist, and slowly turned around to face him.

"…Huh?"

"You heard me." Justin said. He pointed at the team flag, which had the Beauty logo. "See?" Tyler stared at the logo in shock. Justin chuckled. "Man, how do you screw up so badly with directions that you end up at _another team's_ camp? How does that even happen? No wonder you people aren't on the Brains team."

Tyler continued to stare at the flag, looking completely shell-shocked. "No… it can't be…"

"It is, buddy," Justin said, smirking. "Oh, and just for the record, this place is called 'Justin Land', not 'Tyler Land'. I already purchased the legal naming rights."

"Seriously?" Topher groaned. "You didn't even consult us on this?" Justin turned to him, hands on his hips.

"You had plenty of opportunity for input beforehand, Topher. Besides, what would have been _your_ grand idea?"

"You could've at least made it something like 'Justin and Topher Land'…" Topher muttered, looking away.

"That is a hideous name. I'm very glad I left you out of the creative process," Justin said.

"But wait… even if this isn't our campsite, how did _you_ guys get here so fast?" Jasmine asked, frowning.

Justin turned back to her. "By using our brains, obviously. _We_ happen to have them. Unlike you guys, there is so much more to Team Beauty than a label that Chris gave to us. Sheathed beneath an admittedly beautiful exterior is a collection of complex, sophisticated individuals with bold hopes and revolutionary dreams." He beckoned around at his team. "We are not just models. We are poets. Scientists. Politicians. Philosophers. Dreamers. Our aspirations are grand and our talents extensive." He glanced to their right. "Please stop eating that beach chair, Sugar."

Sugar stopped gnawing on the back of her chair and eyed him suspiciously. "Why?"

"Because one, you look like a complete idiot, and two, you look like a complete idiot."

"You're just sayin' that because _you_ want to eat this beach chair all by yourself!" Sugar growled. "I know your tricks. Well, find your own!" She then picked up her chair and ran away.

"God, I cannot wait to shoot her out of a cannon," Justin muttered to himself. He turned back to the Brawns. "Anyways, getting back on topic, you people have five minutes to get lost. Although given what I've seen, that probably shouldn't be too hard for you guys." He nodded at Chef, who hit a button on a boombox sitting in the sand. Tropical music filled the air once more, and the Beauties returned to chatting amongst themselves.

Tyler stared forward, his eyes still wide with shock. Turning around, he was immediately confronted by the glares of his teammates. The brown-haired teenager forced a laugh.

"Heh heh… oops."

The glares persisted. Tyler slumped his shoulders and sighed.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Tyler: Yeah… something went wrong, as it turns out.**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Campfire Area (Team Brains)**

One by one, the Brains returned with the wood that they each had gathered for the raft. Scarlett and Cameron both carried respectable piles in their arms as they chatted about something science-related. Heather had a significantly smaller pile, while Noah carried only a couple of sticks, which he tossed down onto the heap with one hand while reading his book with the other.

Courtney sat on a stump, clutching a long piece of rope. She nodded with approval at the wood heap that had formed.

"Excellent work, team," she said. "That's actually more wood than we need."

Noah put a hand to his mouth. "You don't say?"

Courtney scowled back at him. She then frowned and looked around. "Has anyone seen Harold?"

Suddenly, there was a loud groan from the edge of the forest. Everyone turned in the direction of the sound and saw Harold pushing a colossal mountain of wood towards them.

"Oh boy," Heather sighed.

Harold grinned and gave them a thumbs-up, before continuing to push the mountain forward, panting heavily. After five minutes, he reached the edge of campfire area. After another five minutes, he reached his team members.

" _Finally,_ " Harold wheezed, leaning against the mountain of wood, trying to catch his breath. This caused the entire tower to wobble and sway to the right, before it tipped over with a groan and crashed down onto the existing woodpile with an earth-shattering thud. The nerd wiped his hands off with satisfaction and turned to his team.

"That should be sufficient," he declared.

Heather stared at the sea of wood in disbelief. "To do what? Build a f**king civilization?"

Harold shook his head. "No, Heather. We're building a raft, remember?"

"I think what Heather is trying to say is that, in your enthusiasm to help the team, you may have gathered more wood than was necessary, Harold," Scarlett explained.

"Nonsense!" Harold laughed. "There's no such thing as too much wood."

"Yes there is," Heather said. "We literally have too much wood right now."

"Maybe so. But not if we want our vessel to be the pinnacle of innovation," Harold said, crossing his arms. "Do we not have any pride in our craftsmanship? Do we not value the—?"

"No we don't," Courtney said. "We just want a simple raft."

"Um, speaking of which… you guys might want to see this," Cameron called out. The bubble boy stood at the campfire area entrance, staring down at something. Everyone walked over to him.

There, sitting on the ground, was a raft. It was twelve feet long and six feet wide, built with perfectly symmetrical logs that had been lined up and tied together with rope. Courtney stared at it for a long time, before slowly turning to Cameron.

"Has this… has this been here the whole time?" she asked him.

"No. It definitely wasn't there when we left," Cameron said. "I just noticed it now."

"Okay, so who built this?" Heather asked. "It has to have been one of us, right?"

"That would be the logical assumption," Scarlett said.

The Brains looked around at one another. Nobody said anything.

"I don't know why someone would build this and not want to take credit for it," Courtney muttered. "I know _I_ would."

Noah held up his hands. "Okay, okay. You got me. I'll admit it."

"Yeah, nice try, Noah," Heather said, rolling her eyes. "We're not idiots."

Noah shrugged. "It was worth a shot."

"But who on this team _could_ it have been?" Cameron pondered. "We all were out in the forest collecting wood this entire time."

"True," Scarlett said. "That is an important observation, Cameron. It leads me to believe that someone else built this raft and left it here."

"But who would do that?" Courtney asked, perplexed. "And why?"

"I bet it was Chris," Heather said, scowling. "He's probably trying to sabotage us again. The raft will probably fall apart while we're in the water. Or blow up. I say we toss it."

Scarlett frowned and picked up the raft, examining it.

"I don't see any explosives, Heather," she said. "And it holds together excellently. Not only that, it's also an ideal size for 6 people, and its shape is conducive to optimal velocity. This is, for all intents and purposes, the perfect raft."

Everyone was silent for a long time.

"...Maybe it was God," Noah said.

"Don't be silly, Noah," Harold scolded.

Courtney rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that wasn't even a funny—"

"This raft is obviously the work of Suijin, the Japanese god of water," Harold said, interrupting her. "Suijin must have given us this raft as a gift, to help us traverse his sacred domain without awakening the other water spirits!"

"Wow! That sounds like a really plausible explanation, Harold," Heather gasped. She paused. "Oh wait. No it doesn't, because the rest of us aren't batsh** crazy weeaboos."

"I'm _not_ a weeaboo! GOSH!" Harold snapped. "I just appreciate the culture! And yes, I'll admit that I do enjoy the occasional Hiyao Miyazaki film. And yes, maybe I do own a small assortment of strictly recreational anime cosplay outfits. And yes, I might think that everything about the Western world sucks and that Japan is the only country with true moral values and I hate my life and the society into which I was born and I wish with all my soul that I could be Japanese. But that's _it_!"

"Whatever, Harold. This raft still wasn't given to us by 'Suicide' or whatever his name was."

" _Suijin_! UGH! Your ignorance is just so GOSH!"

"Does it really even matter where it came from?" Noah asked. "It's a raft. It works. Most importantly, now _we_ don't have to build one. Let's just chalk it up as one of this show's countless continuity errors and move on."

"I agree," Scarlett said. "I personally think we should head to the river and try the raft out." She turned to Courtney. "Only with your approval, of course. Given that this whole raft thing was your idea, and not mine." Courtney paused for a moment. Then she sighed.

"This is all extremely sketchy, and I have a really bad feeling about this." She shrugged. "But let's do it." She turned to the rest of the team. "Okay, team! We're headed to the river. Please, don't get lost on the way there."

With that, the Brains began their trek into the forest. As they made their way forward, Harold walked up next to Heather, carrying the raft.

"You know, there's still time to ask Suijin for forgiveness for dishonoring his name."

"Shut up."

"I'm serious! You should really apologize to him. I wouldn't want you to have to face Suijin's wrath. Did you know he's also the Japanese god of fertility and motherhood? So if he wanted, he could totally, like, wreck your ovaries so that you'd never be able to have kids and stuff. That'd suck, y'know? I know Alejandro would be disappointed. He wouldn't have anybody to continue the esteemed Burromuerto name, unless he abandoned you to seek a more fertile partner. Which would be a real possibility. So it's in your best interest to…" Harold trailed off as he realized Heather had already walked ahead of him.

"I'm just trying to help!" he called after her, before pushing the raft up on his back and hurrying forward.

A quiet, looming shadow followed closely behind.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Courtney: As a C.I.T., I hate not knowing the answer to something. It seriously pisses me off! Damn it! I NEED to know where that raft came from! AUGH! (She takes a deep breath.) But as long as nobody else knows the answer either, I can at least find some solace. (She grits her teeth.) Key word being "some".**

 **(Static)**

 **Harold: Yeah, the Japanese gods are awesome. You've got Fujin, the god of wind and the eldest of the major kami. There's Amaterasu-O-Mi-Kami, the goddess of the sun. You can't forget Hachiman, the god of war. Gotta give a shout-out to Omoikane, the god of wisdom and intelligence. Not to mention like a hundred other deities. (He shrugs.) And yeah, I'm sorta lowkey friends with them. Not gonna lie. Okuninushi even follows me on Tumblr. But whatever. No big deal. It's chill.**

 **(Static)**

 **Noah: Huh? Do** _ **I**_ **know who gave us the raft? No. I have no clue. (He shrugs.) But why should I care? Sure, it's weird. But everything on this show is weird. A randomly materializing raft ranks pretty low on the list of weird sh**, to be honest. Like, we still haven't even addressed why we only have four fingers. That would be a much better starting point.**

 **End of Confessionals**

The Brains now stood on the rocky bank of a wide river, watching the water as it rushed past with a deafening roar. They squinted their eyes as they were hit with a sharp spray of mist.

"Wow… the current's a lot stronger than I expected…" Cameron murmured, wiping off his glasses.

Heather sneered at him. "Awww… is wittle Cameron scared?"

"N-no! Of course not!" Cameron stuttered. "I already broke every bone in my body last season. This is nothing." He took a deep breath. "Let's do this!"

"There's just one problem," Courtney said. "How the heck are we all going to get _on_ the raft?"

"Someone could hold the raft in the place while the rest of us climb on," Scarlett suggested. Harold immediately strode past her, carrying the raft.

"Say no more! You have the man for the job," he declared. Courtney stopped him before he could reach the water.

"Hold on," she said. "Are we even sure the raft can hold all 6 of us? What if it sinks?"

"That is a reasonable concern, Courtney," answered Scarlett. She held up a piece of paper. "However, I ran some calculations on the way here, and I can safely conclude that the raft will support our team's weight with significant carrying capacity to spare. This appears to be a rare instance in which the minimal combined mass of our male team members will prove to be an advantage rather than a hindrance."

Noah glanced at Harold and Cameron. "Damn, guys. I think she just dissed us."

"All I can say is thank God we don't have Leshawna. We'd be at the bottom of that river in three seconds," Heather said. She turned to Harold. "No offense."

Harold shook his head. "Oh, it's fine. Leshawna and I went our separate ways long ago."

"What?" Cameron gasped. "Really?"

"I'm afraid so. LeHarold is no more. Or do the fans prefer Harshawna? Guess it doesn't matter anymore," Harold sighed. "And for so long, I thought Leshawna was the one. She was everything I'd dreamed of. The yin to my yang. The Spock to my Captain Kirk. The mirror to my Justin. But alas, our love was simply never meant to be. She broke my heart and left me for another man, ending our relationship for good." He paused. "I mean, technically we were never _together_ , but still… it was like ten thousand kicks to the kiwis. If my kiwis were my heart."

"Pure poetry," Noah said. Harold nodded solemnly, gazing down at the river.

"Well, Harold, if you ever need someone to talk with about your feelings, Heather is always available," Courtney said. She turned to Heather, smirking. "Right, Heather?" Heather scowled back at her.

"I appreciate the offer, Courtney," Harold responded, smiling. "But I've moved on. It's been a year. I just have to accept the fact that my dear Leshawna will always be the one that got away. I can't continue to let my past heartbreak hold me back from pursuing love." He placed a hand on his heart and gazed up at the sky. "And I believe I've finally found it again!"

Courtney beamed at him. "That's great, Harold! Any girl would be lucky to—"

"I knew the moment I saw her arrive this season."

"—If you're talking about me, I will kill you."

Harold shook his head. "It's none of the ladies on this team." Scarlett, Courtney, and Heather all sighed with relief.

"Then who is it?" Cameron asked, raising an eyebrow.

Harold shook his head again, blushing deeply. "I've already said too much."

"I agree," Heather said. "Whenever you want to stop talking, feel free. I don't know when or how this turned into the 'let's all psychoanalyze Harold's love life' segment of the show, but it better never happen again."

"Well, _I_ happen to be _enthralled_ by Harold's love life," Courtney countered. "I could listen to him talk about it for hours. But oh well. I guess that's just the bond that he and I share."

"Wow! Thanks, Courtney!" Harold beamed.

Heather, meanwhile, stared at the C.I.T. in disbelief.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Heather: Look, I know that Courtney and I are both trying to pander for alliance members. But there is a line that you** _ **do not**_ **cross. (She throws her hands up.) You do** _ **not**_ **tell** _ **Harold**_ **to** _ **keep talking**_ **! What is she THINKING?!**

 **End of Confessionals**

"So, should we get going?" Cameron asked.

"Yes, that would be ideal," Scarlett answered. She turned to Harold. "Whenever you're ready, Harold."

"I was born ready!" Harold declared. Raising the raft high above his head like a surfboard, the nerd sprinted forward and lunged through the air. He landed with a giant splash in the river, and the water instantly went up to his chest. Harold looked around in surprise, still holding the raft above him.

"Whoa. That's a little deeper than I expected."

"You know, you really didn't have to jump in," Scarlett pointed out.

"What are you talking about? This is incredible!" The geek laughed, watching as the water rushed past his torso. "I've never felt more connected with Suijin! I can feel our individual _reikis_ merging into one!"

"That's disgusting," Heather said. Harold lowered the raft onto the water and pushed it toward the shore.

"Okay, guys! Hop on!" he shouted over the roar of the river.

One-by-one, the Brains climbed onto the raft, with Cameron up front, Scarlett and Heather sitting right behind him, and Courtney and Noah sitting in the back. Finally, Harold grabbed onto the front of the raft and pulled himself up, soaking wet. With Harold no longer holding it in place, the raft shot forward, buoyed by the river's current.

The Brains cheered and high-fived as they watched the riverbank disappear behind them.

"Remember, Brains: we're on the lookout for our team flag!" Courtney called out from the back. "If you see it, let us know."

"And if you see a crocodile, bop it on the nose!" Harold added. He paused. "Well, unless it's with an extremely valuable object, of course. Then the crocodile will most likely ironically swallow said object."

"Is that the only stupid piece of advice you know?" Heather asked, rolling her eyes.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Heather: *sigh* Okay, I walked into that one.**

 **End of Confessionals**

"…And that's what you should do if you ever find a poisonous toad inside of your underwear. Now, let's move on to the best way to gut a—"

"Stop! I get it! You have a lot of stupid pieces of advice!"

Twenty minutes had passed since the Brains had set off from the riverbank, and they had yet to see a flag. The current had slowed considerably since then, moving at a leisurely pace. Having anticipated this, Scarlett brought a pair of oars, which Heather and Courtney now used to paddle the raft forward.

Harold frowned at Heather from the front. "Hey, you asked. Besides, this is some valuable info to know. It'll help you in the future, I'm sure."

"When am I ever going to have to milk a yak using only my elbows?" Heather asked as she rowed. "Or imitate the mating call of a f**king platypus?"

"You seriously underestimate how drained for challenge ideas this show is," Noah said from the back.

"Yeah, Heather!" Harold agreed. "Just think about how prepared you'll be when we arrive at the challenge site and Chris busts out a cage filled with sexually frustrated platypuses." He paused, frowning. "Or is it platypi? Gotta look that one up. Speaking of pi, did you know I can recite, like, 57 digits of pi? Let me sh—

"I have a question, Harold," Courtney interrupted from the back. "Are you even _trying_ to look for the flag?"

"No need!" Harold declared, beckoning to Cameron, who sat next to him up front. "Cameron's taking care of that. He's got the eyes of an eagle. An eagle that needs heavy prescription glasses to see anything, but an eagle nonetheless." He grinned and nudged him. "Right, buddy?" Cameron slowly opened his eyes and squinted at Harold, looking groggy.

"Huh? What'sthat?" he mumbled.

Courtney stared at him. "Are you kidding me? You fell _asleep_?"

Cameron took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Yeah… I guess I did. Sorry, I didn't really get a lot of sleep last night. I was up all night thinking about this season. Mostly the fact that I won't have Mike and Zoey here with me for the first time." He sighed. "I'm really going to miss them. I wonder what they're up to right now?"

"Wow," Courtney said, shaking her head. "That's just… how anyone could actually devote so much active thought to those two is… beyond baffling. And very, very sad." She turned and glared at Noah, who sat next to her, reading his book. "And what's _your_ excuse?"

Noah glanced up. "Uh… whatever Cameron said. That's my excuse too."

Courtney stared at him. "…So let me get this straight. What you're saying is that you've been reading instead of looking for our flag because you stayed up all night thinking about Mike and Zoey?"

"Uh… sure," Noah said. "That works."

"No, Noah, that doesn't work! It makes absolutely no sense!" Courtney snapped. "Just admit that you haven't been looking for our flag because you're a lazy asshole."

"That works too."

Courtney sighed. "Listen, we just need all eyes on the lookout, okay? This is serious! Do you realize how stupid we'll look if we pass by our campsite without noticing it? We'll have done Chris's job for him!"

Noah shrugged. "We can just blame it on Heather. Problem solved."

"Ex _cuse_ me?" Heather snapped. "I don't think so! I will _not_ be the scapegoat in any of this!"

"For once, I agree with her," Courtney said. "The blame falls on all of us if that happens." She glanced at the surrounding forest. "And for all we know, we could have already missed it. I mean, it _has_ been 20 minutes… and half of us weren't even paying attention… oh my God, what if we've already missed it?!"

"Not to worry, Courtney," responded a warm, masculine voice from behind her. "I have been thoroughly scanning both sides of the river since we departed. That, combined with your own watchful eye, assures me that there is no way we could have missed it."

"Thanks, Alejandro. I'm glad _somebody_ cares about the team."

"You are very welcome, Courtney. It is my pleasure."

The raft floated along. Ten seconds passed in silence. Courtney's eyes then slowly widened. She turned around. There, sitting behind her, was indeed Alejandro.

"WHAT THE F**K?!" she screamed.

Cameron, Harold, and Scarlett all turned and gasped at the sight of the Latino. Noah looked up at his teammates.

"Wait, you people didn't notice him sitting back there?" He shook his head. "And _I'm_ supposed to be the oblivious one."

"How long has he _been_ here?!" Courtney asked, her eyes wide.

"Since the beginning," Alejandro responded before Noah could. He placed a hand on Courtney's shoulder and smiled. "I can see you are surprised. Do not worry. All will be explained shortly. But right now, we should focus on the task at hand, which is reaching the campsite. You have been rowing for quite a while, _mi amiga_. Perhaps a break is in order." He began to reach forward. "I'd be happy to take over. I am actually a three-time national rowing champion in my home country of Spain."

Courtney saw Alejandro's hand reaching toward her and she frantically grabbed the oar. She raised it high above her head. Then, without thinking, she swung it forward as hard as she could. The end of the oar smashed into Alejandro's face, cutting him off. He toppled off the end of the raft and spilled into the water with a splash. The raft then caught a strong current and raced off, turning a corner and leaving the handsome competitor far behind, groaning in pain.

Heather gasped and stood up. "Oh my God! Alejandro!"

Harold grinned triumphantly. "See? What did I tell you? All you have to do is bop it on the nose! Works every time!"

Heather glared at Courtney. "Why the hell did you do that?!" Courtney didn't respond, clutching the oar and staring backward in shock. "Courtney!"

Finally, Courtney snapped out of it, and turned back around.

"I just took preemptive action against an eminent threat," she said with a shrug.

"Oh really? That's what you call it? Well, then maybe I should take some 'preemptive action' of my own!" Heather growled, grabbing her oar.

"Don't even think about it," Courtney hissed. "If you want to get angry at someone, get angry at your boyfriend. There was no good reason for him to be on our raft unless he was up to something."

"So?! That doesn't give you the green light to club him in the face with your oar!" Heather exclaimed.

"I had to protect our team by any means necessary!" Courtney argued.

"Hey, the rest of us aren't complaining," Noah said, turning a page in his book. "I personally think you could've clubbed him a little harder, Courtney."

"Nobody asked for your input, Noah!" Heather snapped.

Scarlett quickly spoke up. "Okay, let's all just calm down and assess what happened. You certainly have a right to be angry, Heather. Courtney absolutely could have handled the issue more tactfully. But we have to look at the circumstances surrounding the incident. Alejandro is a dangerous competitor, one that is always looking to gain an edge in this game. A threat like that cannot be taken lightly. Besides, it was quite suspicious for him to be on our raft for so long without making his presence known earlier."

"I bet _Heather_ knew," Courtney muttered. "And she probably knows _why_ he was here, too."

"What? No I don't! I know as little as the rest of you," Heather quickly said, shaking her head. She shrugged. "I'll admit, Alejandro shouldn't have tried to sneak onto our raft without telling us." She sighed. "Still, I hope he's okay…"

"Eh, I'm sure he's fine," Courtney said with a shrug.

"Yeah, but you _did_ sort of leave him in the middle of the river back there, Courtney," Cameron pointed out.

Courtney snickered. "Oh, come on. He won't die from a little water."

"True," Harold said. He paused. "…Unless Alejandro has dishonored Suijin, of course. And given the epic lengths of the showers I remember him taking during Total Drama World Tour, it's certainly possible. In which case, he will most likely die a very painful death at Suijin's hands."

"Good thing Suijin doesn't exist then," Courtney said. "Anyways, Alejandro is _fine_. He survived getting trampled by the entire cast and covered in lava, didn't he? He's a complete Gary Stu. We don't need to worry about him. If anything, we should be more worried about my paddle." Smirking, she held up the end of her oar, which was bent backwards. "Al's face put a pretty solid dent in it."

"Not funny, Courtney," Heather growled.

Noah shrugged. "I thought it was pretty funny."

"Once again, if I _wanted_ your input, Noah, I would have _asked_ for it."

Courtney placed a hand on the bookworm's shoulder. "Well, _I_ value Noah's input."

"Of course you do," Heather muttered. She coughed. " _Alliance whore_."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Anyways, let's just agree to forget about the whole incident."

"Good call," Scarlett said. "I couldn't have said it better myself, Heather."

With that, the raft continued onward, and Harold began talking once more. Once she was sure nobody was looking, Heather glanced back, frowning to herself.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Heather: Okay, Courtney being awful aside, I have no idea what that the hell that was all about. Why would Alejandro be following our team like that? It makes no sense. …Unless… (She quickly shakes her head.) No. There's no way. We talked about this. He wouldn't take it** _ **that**_ **far. It has to be something else.**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Beauty Beach (Team Brawn)**

Tyler stood on the beach, facing his teammates. He frowned as he glanced over their scowling faces.

"Okay, I'm sensing some real bad vibes from the group right now. Especially you, Jo. You're _seriously_ freaking me out." His team remained silent, and Jo's scowl deepened. Tyler swallowed deeply. "…Is it maybe because of the whole 'getting us completely lost' thing that I did?" Everyone slowly nodded. Tyler sighed. "Yeah, I thought so. But look, I can _totally_ explain—"

"No need," Jo interrupted. "It's a pretty simple explanation. You're an idiot. You've always been an idiot. And you will always _be_ an idiot. Not much else to be said." She shrugged. "Really, I'm the one to blame for deluding myself into thinking that maybe you _weren't_ an idiot. But I don't tend to make the same mistakes again." She started walking towards him. "Give me the map."

Tyler took a step back. "N-no! You can't!"

"What's that, you say?" Jo asked, raising an eyebrow. "I can't? Hmm. Well, funny story, Tyler: I can." She continued to walk towards him, rolling up her sleeves. "And I will."

"Give me one more chance!" Tyler begged.

"One more chance? How many chances do you expect us to give you?" Jo snapped. "I already gave you a chance to 'prove yourself', and you all you did was prove that you suck!"

"I was just off my game! I hadn't read a map in a while," Tyler said with a shrug. He started bouncing on his toes and swinging his arms back and forth. "But I'm warmed up now. I've got the map-reading juices pumping, baby! I can _do_ this, Jo!"

"Do what? Suck at everything? Yes, yes you can. We know. You've already made that clear." Jo took another step forward.

"I can do more than suck!" Tyler insisted. "I can get us to our campsite! All I need is the opportunity!" He paused, thinking. "How about this? If I get us lost again, you all can vote me off."

"Oh, don't worry, we're pretty much planning to do that anyway," Jo muttered. She extended her hand. "I'll say it one more time. Hand over the map."

"NO!" Tyler screamed, jumping back again into ankle-deep water. He dropped to his knees in the water, his hands clasped together. "I'll do anything! Just tell me what you—" A wave suddenly crashed over him, knocking him under the water. After a few seconds, Tyler broke from the surface and slowly rose back to his knees, soaking wet and coughing. "Ow… that hurt. But I don't care! I won't move from this spot until you—" Another wave crashed over him, knocking him back under. The jock got up again, completely drenched and spitting out water. "I can stay here all—" Another wave crashed over him.

Jo sighed as she watched the waves continue to knock Tyler over. Brick suddenly walked up next to her.

"I think you should give him another chance, Jo."

Jo turned to face him, scowling. "Of course _you_ think that. Why on earth do you keep defending him? Have you two already formed an idiots' alliance or something?"

Brick looked startled. "Huh? No! Of course not! It's way too early in the game for alliances." He shrugged. "I just think we need to remember what this season is all about."

"And what's it all about, Mr. Rogers?"

"Well… really, it's all about redemption."

"Oh, give me a _break_."

"It's true!" Brick insisted. "Think about it! We all made mistakes the last time we played. Mistakes that many of us, including myself, still regret to this day. But now, Chris has given us not only another shot at the million, but more importantly, a chance to fix those mistakes. To _redeem_ ourselves, Jo. Only one of us will win the million, but we all have the chance to win something far more valuable." The cadet beckoned to Tyler, who continued to drown in the shallow water. "If we want to honor this season's theme, then we have to allow Tyler to find his own redemption. To right the wrongs of his past!"

"You mean the 'past' of literally five minutes ago?" Jo asked, scowling. "Tyler hasn't magically become a competent human being in that period of time."

Brick nodded. "You're right. Tyler hasn't become competent. That's because he's _always_ been competent. He's just never had the confidence to reach his full potential!"

"Did you just say Tyler doesn't have enough _confidence_? Man, you really _are_ terrible at reading people."

"It's true! Tyler may seem confident on the outside, but deep down, I see a man that has no faith in himself. He's never gotten the positive reinforcement that he needs. That's why he's so desperate for the approval of others. He needs to be _validated_. He needs to feel _valued_. He is lost in this world, desperately searching for a place, for a purpose, to no avail."

"Or he's just brain damaged."

"That's the easy answer, Jo." Brick shook his head. "But it's not the right one. We need to be the ones to give Tyler the validation he's always lacked! How else can our troops thrive as a cohesive unit? We're no team at all without—"

"You've already given this exact speech, Brickhead," Jo interrupted, rolling her eyes. "Get some more original material. It's not gonna convince me."

"Well, I agree with him," Jasmine suddenly said, approaching the pair. "I say we let Tyler have one more bash at it. We can't give up on him just yet. We're a team, like Brick said."

Jo nodded. "Oh, okay. I get it. We're a 'team'. So therefore, we need to work together as a team to stroke the fragile ego of the guy who put himself in the sole position of power without consulting any of us. Of course! _That_ 'll promote teamwork." She rolled her eyes. "I think I'd prefer to hear what someone _rational_ has to say about this." She turned towards Duncan. The delinquent, however, lay fast asleep in one of the beach chairs. Jo groaned. "Wonderful."

Suddenly, Justin walked over, drying himself off with a towel.

"You people are _still here_?" he asked in disbelief.

"Calm down. We're about to leave," Jo said to him.

"Thank God," Justin sighed with relief. "No offense, but all of you are quite ugly. Truly painful to look at. The sooner you leave, the sooner I won't have to constantly bear witness to your endless and staggering deformities." He walked away, with Anne Maria following close behind.

"Coming from the guy whose chin takes up half his face," Jo muttered. She turned to Brick and Jasmine. "Fine. You win. Tyler can have his stupid redemption. Let's just get out of here already."

"I'm so glad you changed your mind, Jo!" said a voice. Jo whipped around and saw Tyler standing right next to her, beaming.

"What the…?! She looked back at the water, then back to Tyler. "How did you…?!"

"No time for that," the sports enthusiast answered, reaching into his pocket. He whipped out the map, grinning. "It's time for me to take this map for a downtown spin in the Tyler-mobile, destination: awesomeness!"

"No, it's time for you to _read_ it. _Correctly_ ," Jo growled. "Because if you don't lead us to the right spot this time, I will never speak to you again and you will be dead to me."

Tyler laughed. "Have I ever let you down before, Jo?" He paused. "On second thought, don't answer that." He quickly began scanning over the map.

Jasmine, meanwhile, glanced over at Duncan, who remained asleep in the beach chair. "I guess one of us should wake him up."

Brick stepped forward. "I volunt—" He was cut off as Jo pushed past him and walked over to Duncan's sleeping body. Without a moment's hesitation, she picked up the beach chair with Duncan still in it, lifted it above her head, and flipped it upside down. Duncan's eyes shot open, and he screamed as he toppled out of the chair and landed headfirst in the sand with a thud. Clutching his neck as he got to his knees, the criminal glared up at Jo.

"You better have had _really_ good reason for doing that."

"You fell asleep," Jo said with a shrug. "I had to wake you up."

"Then you could've lightly nudged me, not dropped me on my goddamn head!"

"Were you this much of a bitch in prison? You're fine. Now get up, because we're about to leave."

Duncan raised an eyebrow as he rose to his feet. "I'm guessing you finally took the map away from Tyler and figured out where we need to go?"

"…Sure, let's go with that," Jo sighed. Tyler suddenly whistled to get their attention.

"Okay, everyone! I'm thrilled to announce that after a small miscalculation, I now know exactly where our campsite is located and how to get there!"

"And you're absolutely _certain_ this time?" Jasmine asked the jock.

"100 percent," Tyler said, nodding. "Believe me. I've read the map so many times, I practically know it by heart!" He glanced down at the rolled-up map in his hands. "I almost feel like I've connected with this map on, like, a _personal_ level, y'know? This map and I, we've built a genuine bond with one another. We've had our struggles, sure. But through it all, we've stayed together. I now consider this map a true friend." He wiped a tear from his eye, and chuckled. "I think the map may have wanted to be _more_ than a friend… but I have a girlfriend already. It wouldn't have worked out. Besides, better to not risk ruining what we already have, y'know?"

"Of course," Jo said, nodding back. "And let me just say, I'm so glad that our team leader is someone who spends his time friendzoning inanimate objects. That really restores my confidence in this team."

Tyler beamed. "Thanks, Jo!"

"So, after your thorough assessment of the region, which way do you believe we need to go first, Tyler?" Brick asked.

Tyler pulled out the map. "Let me check again." He examined the layout, nodding to himself. "Uh huh, uh huh… yep, just as I thought. I now can say with 100 percent certainty that we need to go…" He pointed to his right. "…THAT WAY!"

His teammates all looked in that direction. Tyler was pointing toward the ocean.

"Yeah… you might want to rethink that, man," Duncan said.

"Huh? Why?" Tyler asked. He looked up from the map, and saw where he was pointing. He was silent for a moment. Then he glanced down at the map again and quickly flipped it in the opposite direction.

"Uhh… I mean, we need to go _THAT_ WAY!" Tyler declared, pointing back towards the forest. He rolled up the map and tucked it into his pocket. "All right, let's head out!"

With that, the brown-haired teenager grabbed the backpack and started sprinting towards the woods. The Brawns glanced at each other uneasily, before quickly following after him. As they approached the edge of the forest, Jasmine noticed Eva's body lying in the sand, and scooped her up as they ran past.

The team now followed Tyler down a narrow and overgrown trail, ducking under low-hanging branches as they tried to keep up with their leader, who leaped over logs and skidded around every turn.

"Slow down!" Jo shouted after him. "We don't need to go _this_ fast!"

"Nonsense!" Tyler laughed. He turned around to face her, running backwards. "We wasted a lot of time at the beach. We gotta go double time to make up for it!"

"We wasted that much time because of _you_ , dickhead! And all you're going to do is get us even more lost if you run through the forest like a madman without paying attention to where you're going!"

"Does it look like that's the case, Jo?" Tyler asked, still facing completely backward as he ran. He chuckled and shook his head. "Don't worry. I'm paying complete attention to our surroundings. I've got the focus of a hawk! Nothing escapes me!" He turned back around, and there was a hollow thud as his face smacked into a low-hanging tree limb.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Jo: I know what you're all thinking. Why haven't I taken control of this team by now? We have absolutely zero hope for survival with Tyler at the helm. But honestly, at this point, the trainwreck is just too awe-inspiring to stop. I** _ **have**_ **to see it play out. (She shrugs.) Plus, it helps my game. I know I'm a threat. The way I see it, the more Tyler tries to do things, the more he f**ks up, and the more his target grows while my target shrinks. (She chuckles.) Besides, how lost can he** _ **actually**_ **get us? It's just an island, right?**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Team Brains**

Thirty minutes had passed since the Alejandro incident, and there was still no sight of the team flag as the Brains traveled along the river.

"…I think the most important thing I've learned about comic book collecting is that it's _not_ about the comic books themselves," Harold said, gazing forward, deep in thought. "Sure, they're cool and all. But what's _truly_ rewarding is the journey and the incredible people you meet along the way. That reminds me of this one time where…"

As Harold kept talking, Courtney stared down at the water, her eyes empty.

"This is it, Courtney. You have officially entered hell. There's no going back now. You're never getting off this raft. You're going to be trapped here _forever_." She closed her eyes, rocking back and forth.

"…Because honestly, 'comic book collecting' is such an abstract idea when you really think about it, you know? What is the definition of 'success' when it comes to comic book collecting? No matter how many limited editions you attain, there will always be rarer copies out there that will escape your grasp. That question used to haunt me almost every night when I was younger. What was I hoping to achieve? But then I realized that every comic book collector faces a similar struggle. And in a way, that is the beauty of it all." Harold placed a hand on his heart. "Together, through meaningful companionship, we comic book collectors can find purpose in our endless pursuit of an unknown and perhaps nonexistent goal. In a way, it's a lot like life itself. Do you know what I mean?"

Heather shook her head. "No, I do not, Harold. But do _you_ know what ' _shut the f**k up_ ' means? Because I've come up with countless ways over the last thirty minutes to tell you to shut the f**k up, and yet here you are, still not shutting the f**k up." She picked up her oar. "I'm starting to think I need to implement a more direct manner of communication. _Catch my drift_?"

"Whoa!" Harold held up his hands defensively. "Haven't you listened to my story, Heather? My message is one of camaraderie among individuals, not conflict! _Gosh_!"

"Exactly. And right now, my paddle wants to form some 'camaraderie' with your loud, stupid face," Heather said, preparing to strike. However, right before she could attack with the oar, Scarlett grabbed it from behind and ripped it away from her. Heather turned around in surprise. The genius girl giggled sheepishly and adjusted her glasses, holding the oar in one hand.

"Sorry, Heather. I felt the need to intervene. It appeared you were about to make a rash, emotionally-fueled decision that would permanently fracture our team."

Heather crossed her arms. "Our team could use a fracture or two. _Especially_ if that portion of the team is Harold." She glared at the ginger nerd, who hid behind Cameron.

Scarlett sighed. "Look, Heather. I understand that we are all getting tired of being on this raft together. And I'll admit that I too have found Harold's presence aggravating to a profound degree. The high punchability of his face multiplied by the precipitous black-energy void that exists in the place of his social skills is an equation that has produced the painfully tragic result that now sits before us. But still, that does not mean we should resort to violence. We're not the Brawns. We're better than that!"

"I'm not," Heather muttered.

Harold coughed. "Perhaps, Heather, you could learn from an old Japanese proverb written by—"

"I swear to _God_ , Harold."

Noah, meanwhile, was distracted from his book by the sound of heavy breathing. The know-it-all glanced up at Courtney, who sat curled in a ball next to him. He sighed.

"You do know we've only been on this raft for an hour, right?" he asked her. Courtney turned to him, her eyes bloodshot.

"So what?" she snapped. "It _feels_ like it's been a _lifetime_! We're never going to find our stupid campsite! This was the worst idea EVER!"

"Wow. I never thought I'd hear you say that about your own idea," Noah said, his eyebrow raised.

"This wasn't my idea!" Courtney retorted. She frowned. " _Was_ it my idea? Oh, who cares? I just want off before I lose my last shred of sanity!"

"It shouldn't be much longer, Courtney," Scarlett said. "I really do think we're almost there."

"Why? What makes you say that?" Courtney asked. "All I see are more trees!"

Scarlett glanced towards the shore, and watched as the raft passed a tall, crooked tree, jutting out over the water. She turned back to Courtney.

"…Just a feeling," she said.

Courtney looked at Scarlett strangely for a moment, before shrugging. "Well… okay then. Whatever you say."

"Don't worry, Courtney. Like Scarlett, I too have a strong feeling that our luck shall change soon," said Harold, turning around to smile at her. "You see, I've been consulting the many spirits of this region, asking for their guidance in this trying time. They have given me faith that the winds of change are soon to—"

"Your family doesn't and never will love you, Harold," Courtney said, cutting him off.

"What the?! Where did _that_ come from? I was just trying to contribute to the conversation!"

"Well, you didn't. You made it infinitely worse. I hope you're happy."

Harold threw up his hands. "Okay, what's with all the negativity from you people? It's, like, seriously _vexing_ and _totally_ killing my mojo. We're supposed to be a team! We're supposed to respect each other as fellow samurai!" He turned away, looking hurt. "But the way you guys are treating me… I mean, it's just so _gosh_! And all I've done is try to—"

"Hold on… did you seriously just use 'gosh' as an adjective?" Noah asked, looking up from his book.

"Uh… yeah. So? Is there problem with that?"

"No… but I do now agree with Courtney's assessment that your family doesn't love you," Noah said, before returning to his book.

Harold crossed his arms, scowling.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Harold: Okay, for the record, there were** ** _sooooo_** **many Japanese proverbs I could've dropped on his ass after that comment. I would've made him look** ** _sooooo_** **ignorant. (He sighs.) But I restrained myself. I must refrain from indulging in petty conflict with another man, however much it pains me not to fight back. That is what makes a** ** _true_** **man. (He grins.) That's actually a Japanese proverb right there. Written by yours truly. (He pauses, frowning at the camera.) What are you talking about? I can totally write a Japanese proverb! It's not cultural appropriation! That's ridiculous! What do you know, anyway? You're the Confession Cam! You're not even supposed to have an opinion! GOSH!**

 **End of Confessionals**

Another 10 minutes passed. Courtney scanned the slowly darkening riverbank with her hand cupped to her eyes, looking increasingly nervous.

"Guys… maybe we should…"

"What? What do you suggest we do, braniac?" Heather asked, crossing her arms.

"I'm trying to say that maybe we should turn around!"

"Turn around? Are you _kidding_ me?"

"I don't know! I just have a really bad feeling about that we missed it! And that now we're going in the wrong direction like idiots!"

"But what if we didn't?" Heather countered. "Then we'll be screwing ourselves and look like even bigger idiots!"

"Fine. Then I think we should put it up to a vote," Courtney declared. "That's the democratic way. I learned that as a C.I.T."

"No way," Heather said, shaking her head. "You think I trust a vote? When matters get put up to a vote, Donald Trump gets elected to the most powerful position on Earth. Sorry to inform you, but this is a monocracy, bitch. And as leader, I say we keep going forward!"

"No way! You're not even our leader! _I'm_ our leader! And _I_ say we have to go _back_!" Courtney insisted.

"No! We have to go _forward!"_

 _"Back!_ "

" _Forward!_ "

The two girls whipped around and looked toward Cameron, who tried to avert his eyes, but to no avail.

"What do _you_ think, Cameron?" Courtney asked, leaning toward him. "What do _you_ think we should do? It's all up to you now." Cameron shifted uncomfortably, shrinking away from the two girls.

"Um… well…"

Heather leaned even closer, narrowing her eyes at the bubble boy. "Think about this _very_ carefully, nerd boy. You don't want to make the wrong enemies this early on. You _will_ regret it."

Cameron swallowed deeply, glancing back and forth between the two. There was a long period of silence. Then he slowly spoke.

"Um… I guess… um… I would ask Mike and Zoey what they would do?"

"Oh, _for f**k's sake_!" both girls groaned in unison.

"I'm SORRY!" Cameron cried, curling up into a ball.

"Hey, hold on. He might have a point," Noah said. He shrugged. "Lowkey the best idea I've heard today."

"Wait… what is _that_ supposed to mean?" Courtney asked, turning and glaring at the know-it-all.

"It means I think your raft idea was pretty much a complete flop," Noah said plainly.

"Oh really? Is that so? And did _you_ have a better idea?!"

"No," Noah said. "But if anything, I can trash your sucky idea even more because I brought zero ideas to the table. I'm essentially invulnerable to critique right now."

"No you can't! And no you aren't! That doesn't even make sense!"

"I actually agree with Noah," Heather said. "Courtney's idea sucked. Courtney as a person also sucks as well. Therefore, we should vote her off. It's the only logical conclusion."

" _You_ stay out of this, Heather!" Courtney snapped, turning to her.

"Um, what are you talking about? I've only been a part of this entire conversation."

"Well, then get out! This is between me and Noah right now!"

"Actually, that was enough interaction for me," Noah said. "I'll return to my book."

"No! Fifty Shades of Grey can wait, you douche!"

Suddenly, the river's current picked up and the raft shot forward through the water. All the Brains lurched backward in their seats from the momentum.

"What the...?!" Heather exclaimed, getting back into an upright position. "What's happening?!"

"It has to be a sign!" Harold gasped, looking down at the rushing water in excitement. "From Suijin! We're reaching our final destination! HALLELUJAH!" He turned around, grinning. "I _knew_ you and I were right to be optimistic, Scarlett! All we needed was a little seed of hope and a patch of soil to...wait... Scarlett?" The nerd looked around in confusion. Scarlett was nowhere to be seen.

"Um... g-guys?" Cameron stuttered from the front, his voice cracking. "We kind of have a problem up here." Harold turned back around to face the front.

"What is it, Cameron? Do you need to borrow my inhaler again?" he asked. Cameron shook his head. Harold frowned. "Huh? Then what could you be talking abou.. oh." He stopped speaking as he saw what was ahead. "...I see. Yes, that's a bit of a problem."

As the two stared forward, speechless, the camera zoomed out. The Brains' raft wasn't approaching a campsite, but rather a massive, roaring waterfall, at least 200 feet tall. The water cascaded violently down into a small pool, filled with jagged rocks that glistened in the late afternoon sunlight.

All of the Brains could now easily see the edge of waterfall, just 100 yards away and approaching quickly. After a few seconds of silence, Heather spoke.

"...Well, I think we can now safely conclude that Courtney's idea sucked."

Courtney glared at her. "Oh, don't you even _try_ to peg this on _m-"_

The camera cut to commercial.

 **Is this the end for the Brains?**

 **What** ** _is_** **Alejandro up to?**

 **Will choosing not to build a shelter come back to haunt the Beauties?**

 **Will letting Tyler be leader come back to haunt the Brawns?**

 **Are both of those questions rhetorical?**

 **See it all right here, on the next dramatic chapter of**

 **Total Drama: Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty!**

* * *

 _ **Team Breakdown:**_

 **The Brains:** Harold, Courtney, Noah, Heather, Cameron, Scarlett

 **The Brawns:** Eva, Jo, Duncan, Brick, Jasmine, Tyler

 **The Beauties:** Alejandro, Sugar, Anne Maria, Topher, Justin, Dawn

* * *

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** This chapter was originally intended to go up to the start of the first immunity challenge, but it got waaay too long, so I had to split into 2 parts. Usually episodes will be 2-3 parts; this one will just be 4 parts instead. I know not a bunch happened, but I think it's important to develop the characters at the start and establish the team dynamics. The good news is that next part will be coming within the next week, so be on the lookout for that! In the meantime, feel free to let me know what you think in a review! I respond to all of them through PM, unless it's a guest review, in which case, my responses are listed below.

 **TotalDramaWreck:** Thanks dude! We'll really just have to see about Total Drama Returns. I'll admit, there are times where I really want to get back to writing that fic. Maybe I'll start it up again someday, but no promises at this point.

 **Guest #1:** No comment ;)

 **The Boulder:** In regard to Lindsay, I unfortunately didn't feel like I could do a lot with her in this story. I wanted a very specific dynamic on the Beauty team (which you'll see more of later) and she didn't really fit in with it. Definitely sad I couldn't include her though, she's one of my top 5 favorite characters. And as for the longwindedness... yeah, that's definitely among my biggest faults as a writer. I just love to write, and that turns into a lot of words, haha. I'll try to cut back at some point (although I can't say I did for this chapter). Thanks for the review!

 **Guest #2:** Thanks! I'm glad you like my style of humor. And yeah, Chris vs Don is going to definitely an overarching theme for this entire story. I have some wonderful plans for that storyline ;) Thank you for the review!

Thanks, and I'll see ya next time!


	3. E1P3: Rain of Terror

**Episode 1 Part 3-Chapter 3: Rain of Terror**

Heather and Courtney's shouts filled the air as the Brains' raft slowly approached the waterfall.

 _"You're_ the one who said we needed to go to the river in the first place!"

"Yeah _,_ but _you're_ the one who insisted we go on a river rafting ride," Heather shot back. "If it were up to _me_ , we'd be safe and sound on the shore." She turned and addressed the others. "So let it be known that Courtney is the reason we're about to die."

"No, _you_ are-"

"Now is not the time for more stupid alliance pandering!" Noah suddenly shouted. "We need to _do_ something!" Courtney turned to him, her arms crossed.

"Oh, so _now_ you want do something, huh? Guess there's a first time for everything."

"Courtney, do you not understand that we are about to die?!" Noah yelled. Courtney stared at him for a moment. She glanced toward the waterfall, which was now just fifty yards away. She paused, as the reality of the situation dawned her. Then without another word, she quickly turned to Heather.

"Start paddling the other way!" the C.I.T. ordered.

"There's no way that's going to-"

"DO IT!"

Shaking her head, Heather grabbed her oar and started paddling backwards. Courtney frantically began doing the same. However, the brunette soon realized that her oar was barely moving the water. Groaning in frustration, she held up the oar and examined its end, which was bent out of shape. Courtney turned to Heather, scowling.

"Okay, your boyfriend's face actually ruined my paddle. Nice going," she grumbled.

"Find something else, then!" Heather snapped.

Courtney tossed the oar away, before looking around the raft. "But what do I use?! There's nothing here!"

"I don't know! Just find something! And hurry!"

Courtney quickly turned to Cameron, who sat up front, his knees tucked into his stomach, sucking his thumb and vacantly staring off into space.

"Cameron!" the brunette shouted, making him snap out of his daze. "You're a weirdo tech freak, aren't you? Help me out here! What can I use as a makeshift oar?!"

Cameron glanced at her, and then glanced at the raft. He looked back at Courtney.

"Um... m-maybe... we c-could use... uh... Mike and Zoey?" the bubble boy offered.

" ** _AUGH_**!" Courtney roared, throwing her hands up in frustration.

"I'M SORRY!" Cameron cried.

"Sorry doesn't cut it, pipsqueak!" Courtney shouted back at him. "Seriously, what is _wrong_ with you?! What is with your Mike and Zoey fetish? They're not here, okay? And they will never _be_ here! Now man up and stop being completely _useless_!"

"I DON'T WANNA BE USELESS!" Cameron sobbed. He tugged at the sides of his face. "I'M SO PATHETIC! MY PEDIATRICIAN WAS RIGHT!"

Just as she was about to yell some more, an idea suddenly crossed Courtney's mind. She glanced back at Cameron, who was rocking back and forth, whimpering. She sized him up for a moment, her eyes scanning him from head to toe. Then, without a moment's hesitation, she leaned forward and grabbed him by his legs.

"Whoa! Hey!" Cameron yelped, looking down at her hands in surprise. "What are you doing, Courtney?!"

"Making you useful!" Courtney answered, her teeth gritted. With a heave, she flipped him upside down and straightened his body until it was flat like a plank. Then, still gripping Cameron by his ankles, she started rowing again, using his face as the paddle.

Heather smirked at Courtney from across the raft. "Resourceful."

"You learn a few skills as a C.I.T.," Courtney responded, smirking back. Then she grew stern. "Okay, are you ready to not die?" Heather nodded. "Then let's do this!"

The two girls started paddling together in unison, with Heather using her oar and Courtney using Cameron. As they paddled harder and harder, the raft slowly stopped moving toward the waterfall. However, despite their best efforts, they couldn't force the raft to move backward. The two continued like this for a minute, fighting futilely against the flow of the river. They slowly began inching closer to the edge.

"I can't do this!" Heather said through gritted teeth. "I need to pass it off to someone!"

"No! Do you not see our other options here?!" Courtney cried, beckoning toward Noah and Harold.

Harold, meanwhile, looked up at the sky.

"Suijin! I know you hear me up there!" he called out. "Answer me! Why would you do to this to us? Why would you do this to _me_?! I... I thought we had something! I sacrificed so much for you! And now you are punishing me and my friends with death?! Why?!" There was no response from the sky. Harold suddenly jumped up, making the whole raft wobble. "Is it because I have sinned?! Is this my punishment? Is this my final reckoning? But I have done nothing wrong!" He paused, thinking. Then he gasped. "Wait... you must still be angry about the waterbed I have in my room! Of course!" The nerd sighed, nodding. "That must be it. Look, Suijin, I know that waterbeds are an insult to your natural form. But I _need_ to sleep on one! I have spinal osteoarthritis! It's a medical condition! GOSH!"

"Sit down!" Noah yelled up at him. "You're going to make the whole raft tip over!"

"Not until Suijin answers me!" Harold declared, glaring up at the sky. "You hear me, Suijin?! You can't just ignore me forever! I'd bet _you_ have a medical condition that also forces you to make difficult ethical decisions! Don't try to act like you're above me!" He paused. "Well, I mean, that's not to say that you aren't. Because you totally are. You're far above me, Suijin. Please forgive me, my lord."

"HAROLD!" everyone shouted.

Harold turned and looked down at them defiantly, his arms crossed. "What? I'm just trying to help, you guys! It's pretty obvious that we need some divine intervention at this point if we want to live!"

Suddenly, there was a call from the riverbank.

" _Amigos!_ Over here!"

Harold gasped and turned in the direction of the voice. "SUIJIN?!"

"What? No! It is me! Alejandro!" yelled the voice. The Latino stepped out of a grove of trees on the riverbank and waved to them.

Courtney groaned. " _Great_. Just what we needed right now." She cupped her hand to her mouth and shouted at him. "STOP FOLLOWING US!"

"But I'm here to save you!" Alejandro shouted back. He held up a rope. "I'll toss you this! You all can grab on to it, and I'll pull you to shore!"

"We don't need your help!" Courtney yelled. "We're doing just fine on our own, thank you very much!"

"What are you talking about? No we aren't!" Heather exclaimed from across the raft. Courtney glared back at her.

"Yes, we _are_!"

Heather quickly turned to the riverbank. "Don't listen to her, Alejandro! We're about to die! Throw us the rope!"

"Of course, _mi amor_!" Alejandro called back. He swung the rope high above his head, gathering momentum, and then hurled it across the river in their direction. Heather reached up and caught the flying rope. She then turned to the Noah and Harold.

"Look. This is our only chance for survival, and that's the facts. But if you two want to die as virgins, be my guest," she said with a shrug.

Harold immediately grasped the rope behind her. Noah followed after him. Everyone then looked at Courtney. The C.I.T. paused for a moment, contemplating. She glanced back toward the waterfall, before looking back at her teammates. Then, finally, she sighed and grabbed on to the end of rope, with a soaking wet Cameron tucked under her arm. Alejandro called out to them from the shore.

"Are you ready, _amigos_?"

"Yes! Start pulling!" Heather yelled. "And hurry!"

"And we're not your amigos!" Courtney shouted.

"Okay, _amigos_! Just one thing that must be done first," Alejandro declared. He then ripped off his shirt, revealing his chiseled form. " _Now_ I'm ready."

"Was that really necessary?" Noah asked.

"Oh, Noah... you ask the silliest questions," Alejandro chuckled. Then, taking a deep breath, he started tugging on the rope with all his might. The Brains were pulled off of their raft and into the rushing water, causing the raft to shoot forward and disappear over the edge the waterfall.

His biceps bulging and glistening with sweat, Alejandro reached forward one hand at a time, slowly pulling them towards the shore. With each tug, the sexy Latino gritted his teeth and squinted his eyes, sweat dripping down every inch of his breathtaking body. His well-defined pecs expanded and contracted with each heave, in perfect rhythm with his powerful pelvic muscles, which he thrust back and forth in a strangely alluring dance.

"Okay, this is what happens when we let Alejandro write the narration," Noah said as he struggled to keep his face above the water.

Alejandro, meanwhile, grunted in pain as he tugged on the rope, his arms and legs visibly shaking. The Brains continued to approach the riverbank, cutting a path through the current. Seeing how close they were, Alejandro took another deep breath. He dug his heels into the ground and tightened his grasp on the rope. Then, mustering up his last ounce of energy, he pulled the rope as hard as he could, letting loose a deafening roar. The Brains lost their grips and were launched through the air, screaming, before they landed in the mud on the shore. Alejandro collapsed against a tree, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily.

Harold slowly opened his eyes and looked around the riverbank.

"...Huh?" He placed his hands on his body. "I'm... I'm alive? I'm _alive_?" He took off his glasses, wiped them off, put them back on, and gasped. "I'M ALIVE!" The nerd jumped up and flipped off the sky. "HA! SCREW YOU, SUIJIN! NOT TODAY, BITCH! GO JERK OFF IN YOUR SHITENGU SHRINE, YOU OVERRATED F**K!"

As Harold pranced around, the rest of the Brains slowly got up, wiping off their clothes and coughing out water (except for Cameron, whose heart had stopped beating and needed to be resuscitated by Courtney). Heather, meanwhile, rose to her knees and wrung out her hair. She suddenly caught Alejandro's eye from across the riverbank; he was staring at her intently. Smiles instantly played at both of their lips. Heather got up from the mud and slowly began to walk towards him. Alejandro started to move in her direction as well, his eyes glazing over seductively.

Right as they were about to meet, a sobbing Harold jumped into Alejandro's arms, blocking Heather off.

"MY HERO!" he cried, tears streaming down his face.

"Get _off_ of him!" Heather seethed.

Harold ignored her as he tightened his arms around Alejandro's neck. "The ease with which you vanquished Suijin's wrath was incredible! How will I ever repay you?!"

"There's... really no need, Harold," Alejandro said with a forced smile. "Beyond all else, I'm just happy that you are okay." He patted Harold on the head, before swiftly tossing the nerd into some bushes. He then glanced up to see that the rest of the team was standing in front of him.

"Oh, sorry. Didn't see you all there." The Latino glanced down at his shirtless body. "Sorry, let me put my clothes back on. This is quite indecent of me." He reached down to the ground and grabbed his shirt, before holding it up in front of him and straightening it out.

"Wait... I swear I saw you rip off your shirt earlier," Cameron said, scratching his head. "How is it intact again?"

Alejandro chuckled as he put his arm through a sleeve. "Very observant of you, Cameron. You see, my shirt is made of a hyper-advanced fabric that has been genetically engineered to reconstruct itself whenever it is torn. A scientific breakthrough, and very convenient for a man like myself, who often likes to rip off his shirt for dramatic emphasis. Now I can do so without ruining my outfit."

"Whoa," Cameron gasped. "That's so awesome!"

"Indeed it is. I was really wasting a lot of money on clothes before this." Alejandro shrugged. "What can I say? I just love to rip off my shirt. One could say I'm a shirt-ripping addict."

"Fascinating," Courtney said, rolling her eyes.

With his shirt now buttoned up, Alejandro examined the group. "So, I take it that everyone made it safely to shore?"

Cameron glanced around. "Well... not Scarlett. Does anyone know what happened to her?"

"No clue," Heather answered, frowning. "I swear she just evaporated or something."

"Oh, Scarlett? She jumped off the raft, like, five minutes earlier," Noah said, reading his book. "Just stood up and dived into the water without saying anything. It was really weird. I'm surprised nobody else noticed."

"...Okay, Noah, I'm noticing a recurring trend here," Courtney sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Let me teach you an important lesson. When you notice something that seems highly unusual, you _tell_ us, okay? That way, you can actually be _helpful_ to the _team_."

"Yeah... being helpful... not really my forte," Noah said with a shrug.

"It doesn't have to be your 'forte'! It's two seconds of effort!"

"Effort... also not really my forte."

"Then what _is_ your forte?!"

"Yeah... having a forte... not really my forte."

Courtney clenched her fist. "I'll show you _my_ forte, you little-"

" _Amigos_! Please!" Alejandro interrupted, stepping between them. "We mustn't turn on one another like this. We are a team."

Courtney turned to him. " _'We'_? Um, newsflash: _you're_ not on our team, buddy. _You're_ on the Beauty team."

"...That is very much up for debate," Alejandro muttered under his breath.

"It literally isn't," Courtney said, crossing her arms.

"Look, we can get into all of that nonsense later. Right now, I'm just happy to see that you all are well. And as for Scarlett, I'm sure she's fine. She's a strong, independent woman." Alejandro glanced over at the waterfall. "I must admit, I _am_ a bit sad to see my handiwork destroyed... but alas, there was nothing that could be done."

"Huh? What do you mean by your 'handiwork'?" Courtney asked, raising an eyebrow.

"The raft. It was pretty well-crafted, in my opinion. I seem to remember Scarlett agreeing with me in that regard."

Courtney stared at him. "…Huh?"

"Of course!" Cameron suddenly gasped. "It all makes sense now! _You_ were the one who left the raft at the Campfire area!"

"Yes, I was," Alejandro said with a nod. "Once I heard your team's plan, I decided to help out."

"Just how long have you been _watching_ us?" Courtney asked, exasperated.

"A while," Alejandro admitted. He held up his hands. "It's not as creepy as it sounds, I swear! I just wanted to help!"

"But why? Why did you want to help us so badly?" Courtney asked suspiciously. "You've never done something like this before. It's completely out of character."

Alejandro frowned. "Why do you say that? It is not out of character for me to care about _mis amigos_!"

Courtney rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'm seriously starting to think that ' _amigo_ ' is the only actual Spanish word you know. And yes, it is."

"It's the truth! When someone is truly my amigo, I will do whatever it takes to help them. And you're my amigos."

"Yeah, Courtney!" Harold exclaimed, climbing up out of the bushes. He put an arm around Alejandro. "We're his amigos!"

"Ah, you mean the amigo that just threw you into a pile of bushes?" Courtney asked.

"Yep!" Harold grinned and held up a pinecone. "And look what I found in there! A super wicked pinecone! Alejandro obviously wanted to help me add to my collection. What a great friend!"

"That's the most-"

Before Courtney could finish her expletive, Scarlett suddenly appeared from behind a tree. The ginger girl's clothes were drenched, and her glasses were cracked in the corners. Her hair, however, remained tied in a perfectly neat bun.

" _There_ you guys are," she said as she walked towards them. "I knew I'd find you eventually. I calculated a 96.7 percent probability, in fact."

"Scarlett!" Cameron cried, running up to her. "You're alive!"

"I am." Scarlett nodded. "In biological terms, certainly. Although to what degree that my so-called conscious thoughts are but a process of automatic chemical reactions between my neurotransmitters and their synapses is still up for debate."

Alejandro walked over to the genius girl, smiling. "It's so good to see you, Scarlett. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we all missed you greatly. It would have been absolutely devastating to lose such a key member of our team so early on." Courtney scowled as he said this.

Scarlett glanced at Alejandro.

"...Rather than try to make a conjecture as to why you are here or why you are acting like we've ever talked before, I will graciously accept your compliment and move on," she said. She turned to the others. "So, what happened to the rest of you?"

"Well, turns out rivers tend to lead to waterfalls," Noah said with a shrug.

"I see. Yes, that _is_ a highly common trope on this show, now that I think about it," Scarlett noted, tapping her chin. "I'm surprised we did not anticipate that."

"Well, we didn't. But we're alive," Heather sighed. "Now, the more important question is where did _you_ go?"

Scarlett shrugged. "Nowhere very interesting. I just happened to see an unclassified breed of flora on the riverbank." She held up a purple and yellow flower. "I wanted to study it. So in a spur-of-the-moment decision, I jumped off of our raft to get closer. I should have told you all that I was leaving, but I forgot to do so in my excitement. A social indiscretion on my end. Sorry."

"No problem!" Harold exclaimed, grinning. "Can I see that wicked sweet flower, though?"

"You could, Harold. But I must regretfully inform you that it is not real. It turned out to be yet another one of this island's many mechanical mirages." Scarlett opened up the flower to reveal a complex circuit panel inside. She sighed. "This place is truly a naturalist's nightmare." She tucked the flower away. "But enough about me. What now? Where do we proceed from here?"

"Well, _he_ needs to get lost first," Courtney grumbled, jerking a thumb at Alejandro.

Alejandro frowned. "Huh? You want me to get lost, you say?"

"Yes. That's what I said. Glad you understand English."

"Um, that's pretty racist, Courtney," Harold said. "Just because Alejandro's of Hispanic descent-"

"I wasn't referring to his race!" Courtney snapped. "Look, I'm grateful that he saved our lives. It was awfully nice and really weird of him. But we don't even know where our campsite is. We're completely lost at this point. We can't deal with distractions right now!"

"You think I'm a distraction?" Alejandro asked, grinning at her suggestively.

Courtney blushed. "Not like that! You're a distraction because you literally won't leave us alone!"

"Would you feel differently if I told you that I know where your campsite is?"

Courtney stared at him. "...What?"

"Follow me," Alejandro said with a wink. Then, beckoning them after him, he disappeared among the trees. The Brains stood there, unsure of what to do. Alejandro stuck his head back, frowning. "When I said 'follow me', I sort of wanted you to follow me, believe it or not."

The group hesitated for a moment, before cautiously following after him. Alejandro slowly led them along a narrow trail that weaved back and forth through the trees. As they progressed, the path became narrower and narrower, to the point that they had to walk in a single-file line. The trail also became increasingly downhill, getting steeper and steeper. The Brains glanced at one another as they continued to follow Alejandro. The further down they went, the thicker the foliage became, to the point that the trees blocked out all of the remaining sunlight.

" _Okay, I'm getting some serious serial killer vibes right now, people_ ," Courtney whispered from the back.

" _That's my_ boyfriend _you're talking about,_ " Heather hissed, glaring back at her.

" _...As I said, major serial killer vibes_. _"_

" _I understand your concern, Courtney,"_ Scarlett whispered. _"Based simply on his demeanor and speech patterns, the odds are significantly higher than for the average person that Alejandro is, in fact, a murderous sociopath. But if it's any consolation, he would have a very difficult time killing all six of us before we overtake him. The math is not in his favor."_

 _"Unless he's really experienced,_ " Courtney pointed out.

Alejandro suddenly stopped and turned around, scowling. "You do know I can hear you, right?" He shook his head, exasperated. "Seriously, people. I'm a serial killer now? Look, I know some of you may not trust me. But _díos mío_! That's just taking it too far! Let's at least be somewhat reasonable here! Have some tact!"

"Sounds exactly like something a serial killer would say," Noah said.

"Just go easy on me, okay? _Por favor_. My mother watches this show." Alejandro shook his head again. "...Anyways, we're here." He turned around and pushed away the leaves in front of him, before walking out into the sunlight. The Brains followed after him, breaking out from under the canopy. Their eyes slowly widened as they gazed around at their surroundings.

Alejandro turned and grinned at them. "Welcome to your new home. _La casa de los mentes._ "

The Brains now stood in a large clearing, situated at the bottom of the waterfall. Water cascaded down in breathtaking display into the pool next to them, where the remains of the raft floated among the rocks. A massive tree towered in the middle of the clearing, casting a looming shadow over them. Sitting on one of the tree limbs was a sturdy-looking tree house, with a rope ladder that dropped to the ground, swaying in the breeze. The Brains team flag was planted next to the tree.

"Wow, this is..." Heather started.

"... _Incredible_ ," Harold whispered, walking up behind her.

Heather scowled at him. "Don't _ever_ try to finish another sentence of mine like that again."

"But we have such great chemis-"

"EVER, HAROLD!" Heather shouted, making the nerd quickly scamper away.

Cameron, meanwhile, gazed around in wonder.

"Wow... what is this place?" he gasped.

"As I said five seconds ago, it is your new home," Alejandro said with a smile. " _La casa de los mentes_."

"It wasn't clever the first time you said it," Courtney said, rolling her eyes.

"Wow... and we already have a shelter?" Cameron asked, walking over and gazing up at the tree house. "That's amazing! I thought for sure that Chris would make us build one ourselves!" He shrugged and turned back to the others. "I guess he doesn't hate us as much as we thought."

"Oh, that shelter is not the work of Chris," Alejandro chuckled. He turned to Scarlett. "Do you approve of the design? I emulated your idea from last season, because it seemed to work so well. Higher positioning will protect us from numerous dang-"

"Wait," Courtney interrupted, walking over to the tree and staring up. " _You_ built that? _How_?"

"I got here a little earlier than you," Alejandro said, shrugging. "Thought I'd make myself productive. Alejandro has never been one to sit around doing nothing."

"But how'd you even get here before us?" Heather asked in disbelief, approaching them. "We left you behind, back in the river! After Courtney hit you in the face with her paddle!"

"Sorry about that, by the way," Courtney said, looking embarrassed.

Alejandro held up a hand. "No no. No need to apologize. You were simply acting in self-defense, as a strong, independent woman. The water was actually very refreshing, to be honest." He chuckled. "After that incident, I decided to search for our campsite on land instead. And I happened to find a shortcut, which led me here." He pointed to an open wooden box. "I used the numerous tools and supplies in there to build the shelter. That's also where I got the rope that I used to save you from the waterfall." He turned back to Courtney. "And that about sums up my afternoon activities. Was that a worthy explanation?"

"...Well, you've certainly filled in most of the major plotholes," Courtney conceded. "But you haven't addressed the biggest plothole, which is that there is literally _no_ way you were able to do all that in such a short amount of time. It's physically impossible!"

"You underestimate the abilities of someone who is determined to help their friends, Courtney," Alejandro said, gazing dramatically off into the distance.

Courtney started to argue, but Heather interrupted her.

"Don't worry about her, Alejandro. The rest of us really appreciate everything you've done for us."

"What she said!" Cameron agreed.

"Yes, Alejandro is truly an honorable man," Harold said. "He would be welcomed in Japanese society."

"All the data thus far amounts to a strikingly positive impression," Scarlett said, nodding.

"I mean, I'm sure he's got some twisted ulterior motive going on here," Noah said with a shrug. "But I really don't care to find out what that is. So yeah, I'm appreciative."

Alejandro's eyes filled up with tears. "Thank you to all of you. Truly. Your kind words warm my heart." He turned back to the tool kit. "Speaking of warmth, should we get a _fuego_ going?"

"I think it's a well-conceived idea, Alejandro," Scarlett said. "It's almost evening, and it does get cold here at night. A fire would be ideal!"

" _Excelente_!" Alejandro beamed. "So, if we are to build a fire, we will need someone to collect firew-"

"ME!" Harold shouted, sprinting off into the forest.

"Wait!" Courtney interjected. She turned to Alejandro. "Are you telling me you're planning to _stay_ here with us?"

The Latino nodded. "That was my idea. Just for the night, of course."

"But what about your actual _team_?"

"They'll be fine," Alejandro said, shrugging. "I'm sure they haven't even noticed I'm missing."

"Wait... you didn't even tell them?" Courtney asked in disbelief.

"Well... no. But that's besides the point. There's too little daylight left for me to make it to our campsite as it is. I would have to sleep somewhere else, anyway. So why not just stay here with my dearest of friends?"

"But-"

Scarlett suddenly placed a hand on Courtney's shoulder. "I think many would classify refusing to allow Alejandro to stay the night, especially after all he's done to aid our team, as a decidedly 'dick move', if you will."

Courtney glanced at her teammates, who were all staring at her. Then she sighed.

"...Fine. But _just_ the night. If I see the creep still here tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be pissed."

 _"_ Oh, _gracias_!" Alejandro cried, reaching forward and embracing her.

"Don't touch me."

Alejandro quickly let go. "Sorry." As Courtney walked away, he brushed himself off. Once everyone had scattered for the most part, he slowly turned around. Sure enough, Heather stood nearby, watching him. Alejandro winked back at her.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Alejandro (grinning): Well, I'd say this has gone perfectly. Just as I envisioned it.**

 **(Static)**

 **Heather: Ugh... I can't believe he's done this. What is he** ** _thinking_** **?!**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Team Brawn**

"Hngh..." Tyler grunted as he pulled himself forward through the mud, covered in sticks and leaves. The jock was deep within a heavy patch of thickets, crawling along the ground through the underbrush. Crawling behind him was Jo, who groaned with frustration as she spat out dirt and pushed branches out of her face. Brick crawled up behind her and tapped her on the back.

" _What_?" Jo growled, glaring back at him.

"Just wondering how it's looking up there. Have we made any progress?" Brick asked.

"What do _you_ think?" Jo snapped. She sighed. "No, nothing's changed. I've now been crawling through a goddamn bush looking at nothing but Tyler's ass for a whole hour. Just think about that for a moment. An _hour."_ She shook her head. "I can't believe my life has come to this. I had _ambition_."

Brick smiled comfortingly at her as they crawled forward. "Just keep hope alive, Jo. Yes, we do seem to be a little off course right now. But I know Tyler will get the job done once he finds his mojo. You and I just need to keep giving him that good ol' positive reinforcement. That's key to the success of our troops."

"Does killing him count as positive reinforcement?" Jo asked.

"It does not."

"Damn."

"Guys!" Tyler suddenly shouted from up ahead. "I see light! I SEE LIGHT!" He pointed forward, where sunlight streamed through the spaces between the leaves. The jock jumped and grabbed onto a tree limb, before pulling himself up out of the thickets and into the open clearing.

Brick grinned at Jo as they moved toward the light. "See? I told you! It was just a matter of time!"

Following Tyler's lead, the two pushed their way through the last of the bushes, before climbing up into the clearing. They rose to their feet and stood on the grass for a moment, their eyes adjusting to the light. They slowly realized that they were standing in a very familiar spot.

"Huh," Tyler murmured, scratching his head as he looked at a large wooden sign. "This... doesn't seem right."

Rather than their campsite, the Brawns were back at the Campfire Area, which was now completely deserted. A muddied Duncan and Jasmine climbed out of the thickets behind them and looked around.

"You have got to be f**king with me right now," Duncan said.

"Blimey!" Jasmine groaned, dropping Eva to the ground. "You mean we crawled for that long just to end up back where we _started_?!"

"Don't worry, people! This is all part of the plan!" Tyler quickly assured, raising his hands. He then pulled out the map and examined it again.

Jo turned to Brick, her arms crossed. Brick glanced at her and shrugged.

"What? You heard the man. It's all part of the plan. He just needed to retrace his steps. Now, starting afresh from where he began, he can really attack the mission head-on."

Before Jo could retort, Tyler rolled up the map and pointed down a different path leading into the forest.

"Okay, that's the way!" the jock declared. "I KNOW it this time!"

Stuffing the map back into his pants, he sprinted off toward the forest once more. His baffled teammates had no choice but to follow.

 _ **Twenty minutes later...**_

 _"_ Hmm. This doesn't seem right either," Tyler said, frowning. The Brawns were now standing at the top of a cliff overlooking the ocean. Tyler glanced out at the horizon, scratching his head. "Looks like we took slight wrong turn. No worries though! I'm still awesome!"

As he referred to the map once more, Jo once again turned to Brick, her arms crossed. Brick shrugged again.

"What? Tyler just needed a better vantage point. Now he can really assess the topography of the region and plan our next best course of act-"

"ME GO THAT WAY!" Tyler suddenly shouted, pointing back down the cliff. He raced off in that direction, and his teammates reluctantly followed after him.

 ** _Twenty minutes later..._**

Tyler slowly came to a halt on the grass. He looked around silently, saying nothing.

"...This... yeah, this is definitely not right," he finally said. The camera slowly zoomed out, revealing that the Brawns were somehow standing on the Total Drama Action film lot.

Jo turned to Brick, her arms crossed once again. Brick shrugged again, glancing away from her.

"What? Tyler just needed to um, well... okay, I can't defend this one," he admitted reluctantly.

Tyler, meanwhile, pulled out the map, only to have it instantly snatched away. The sports enthusiast gasped and turned to Jo, who now held it in her grasp.

"Give it back!" he shrieked.

"No, Tyler. I will not give it back. This map is mine now," Jo calmly said. "You see, your reign as leader is over. Forever. You cannot convince me otherwise."

"B-but... I need another chance!" Tyler pleaded. "C'mon, Jo! I didn't mess up that badly!"

"'Didn't mess up that badly'?" Jo repeated incredulously. " _'Didn't mess up that badly?'_ Do you see where we _are_ right now?" She beckoned wildly around at the abandoned film lot. "Your sense of direction is so bad that it literally just broke the laws of _reality_!"

Tyler slumped his shoulders and looked sadly at the ground.

"...You're right," he admitted with a sigh. "Everything you said is true. It's all my fault." He turned away, gazing out at the horizon. "I took charge of this team with nothing but good intentions in my heart, but I couldn't get the job done. I choked. I let you all down. I let _myself_ down." He pounded his fist into his hand. "I just wanted to _prove_ myself, y'know? To finally be remembered for something. All my life, I've always been the-"

"Yeah, nobody cares," Jo interrupted. "We don't have time for your pathetic memoir right now. Now, because of you, even if I _do_ figure out where our campsite is, there's absolutely no way we get there before nightfall. All I can say is that if we run into a bear tonight, _you're_ first on the menu."

Tyler gasped and turned to her. "...Really?"

"Yes. Really."

"So you're saying I'd... I'd get to be first? First place?!"

Jo stared at him. "Uh... sure. I guess you could phrase it that way."

"WOOHOO!" Tyler cheered. "TYLER'S FIRST, BABY!" He started dancing with joy as Jo stared at him, baffled.

Brick leaned over and spoke to her, grinning. "There you go, Jo! That's the type of positive reinforcement that I like to see!"

Scowling, Jo shoved the cadet out of the way and turned to Jasmine. "Hey Jasmine, I need you to help me take a look at this map." Tyler started to walk towards her, but she held out her hand. "I said _Jasmine_." Tyler slumped his shoulders.

"Yeah, sure," Jasmine said, placing Eva on the ground and walking over. "I can give it a burl."

As Jo began to unfurl the map, she suddenly stopped and frowned. "Hold on. We're minus one douche." She looked around. "Where the hell did Duncan go?"

"Oh yeah. He told me he needed to go get something," Jasmine said with a shrug. "Said he wouldn't be too long. Then he raced off."

"Seriously? What could he even be _getting_?" Jo groaned. "I swear to God, if he's reliving some stupid Total Drama Action memory right now..." She turned back to Jasmine. "Whatever. If he's not back in time, we leave without him. Now, let's just see what's managed to stump the sentient gym sock for so long."

The female jock unrolled the map, and she and Jasmine looked down at it. They were silent for a long time as they processed what they saw. They both slowly looked up at one another, before staring back down at the map.

The parchment showed a normal layout of the island, with various key features marked. At the center of the layout was a large red circle surrounding a cave. A bright red arrow pointed to the cave, and there was writing above that read: " _This is where your campsite is. This cave. Take the main trail from the Campfire Pit and it leads directly there. This is by far the easiest campsite to find. There is no logical way that you won't be able to find it_."

Jasmine and Jo glanced back at each other again, still speechless. Finally, Jo sighed and crumpled up the map.

"Okay... I should've seen that one coming." She turned and scowled at Tyler, who was back to dancing, now doing the robot. "I'm glad to see _someone's_ happy. Because I'm personally pissed off that we could have made it to our campsite in minutes if it weren't for you. Seriously, are you illiterate or something?"

Tyler stopped dancing and burst out laughing. "Illiterate? You really think I'm illiterate? Oh my God, that's hilarious." He chuckled, wiping a tear from his eye. "I mean, come on now. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not illiterate. I literate all the _time_. Give me _some_ credit here, Jo."

"Then what does this say?" Jo asked, pointing to the writing on the map.

Tyler squinted his eyes, examining the words on the page. He tapped his chin, deep in thought. Then, after thirty seconds of silence, Tyler finally looked back to Jo.

"That is a sentence," he concluded.

"I know it's a sentence!" Jo snapped. "But what does the sentence _say_?"

"Are you really asking me that?" Tyler laughed. "I know what the sentence says, Jo."

"Then what does it say?"

"Words. Duh. I learned this in like, seventh grade."

"That's not what I'm asking and you know it!" Jo shouted.

Suddenly, the sound of a car engine broke through the air. Everyone turned to see a golf cart barreling towards them from the other direction. It screeched to a halt on the asphalt. Then, to everyone's surprise, Duncan stepped out of the driver's seat, grinning.

 _"_ Hey guys! What's up?" he called out to his teammates, waving.

"Where'd you find the buggy?" Jasmine asked, her eyebrows raised.

"Oh, I've had this baby for a while," Duncan chuckled. "It was right where I left it." He patted the side of the golf cart fondly. "Stole it from Chris way back in the day, when I was bored during season 2. Reworked the engine, then took it for nightly joyrides. Poor sucker never found out."

"Wow. _Such_ a badass," Jo said, rolling her eyes. "How did I know you were off reliving some stupid memory?"

"I KNOW, RIGHT?!" Brick exclaimed, popping up next to her. "Isn't Duncan SO COOL?! Like, how did he do that? I would never be able to do something so cool!"

"That's because you're a pathetic Duncan fangirl," Jo sighed. "And he's not cool in the slightest."

"What?! How could you say that?" Brick gasped. He beckoned to Duncan, who was now carving a skull into the side of the golf cart. "Duncan's the absolute BEST! I mean he's so EDGY and OFFBEAT, yet still so RELATABLE and DOWN-TO-EARTH! And I love HIM and GWEN together because they're both GOTH! PLUS he has a MOHAWK! It's why he's my FAVORITE CHARACT-" Jo suddenly slapped him across the face, snapping him back to his senses. Brick sheepishly rubbed his cheek. "Sorry. Got a little carried away there."

"Don't ever do that again." Jo let go of the cadet and turned back around. "Anyways, who cares that Duncan stole a stupid golf cart? What does that do for us?"

"I mean, I _did_ just find us an easy way to get back to camp," Duncan said, beckoning to the vehicle.

"...Oh. Oh yeah." Jo examined the cart. "And there's enough room for all of us?"

"It'll be a tight fit, but we should be good. We'll just have to really squeeze in," Duncan said with a shrug.

"I see. That's actually... really helpful. Thanks, Duncan."

"That's awesome, Duncan," Jasmine said, smiling appreciatively at him.

"HA! WHEN WILL _YOUR_ FAVE?" Brick declared triumphantly. Everyone stared at him. Brick stopped grinning and awkwardly coughed. He turned back to Duncan, blushing. "Uh... I mean... satisfactory work, private. I appreciate your contribution to the team. At ease. Other military jargon. I'm not weird."

"You know, I really think this just goes to show the power of teamwork, guys," Tyler said, placing a hand on Duncan's shoulder. "After all, this really couldn't have been accomplished without me and Duncan working together. Duncan and I, we're the dream team."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jo snapped. "You did nothing."

"Wrong! How else would Duncan have found the golf cart if I hadn't led us here first?" Tyler pointed out, beaming.

"That's the worst logic I've ever heard," Jo said.

"Why? Because I was one step ahead of the game? It's not my fault I've been playing chess while y'all have been playing checkers." Tyler shrugged. "Not to mention the fact that I told you guys that my favorite sport was golf earlier today, thus subtly implanting the idea in Duncan's head long before we even got here. There are many layers to my genius."

"I don't have any more time for this idiocy," Jo groaned, rubbing her temples. She turned to Duncan. "Rev her up. I wanna get out of here."

Duncan nodded at her and hopped into the driver's seat. He turned the key in the ignition, and the golf cart's engine roared to life. Everyone filed into the vehicle one-by-one until they were crammed tightly together in the two seats, to the point that nobody could rotate their body.

However, there was one more person that had to board.

"WOO! LET'S DO THIS!" Tyler cheered, sprinting toward the golf cart.

"NO!" everyone screamed.

Tyler came to halt, frowning. "Huh? What's the problem? I just want to join the party!"

"Can't you see that there's no more room?" Jo groaned. "We're completely squashed together as is!"

Duncan shook his head, struggling to hold on to the steering wheel as he was pushed up against the side of the cart.

"Man, I don't get it," he said. "I could've sworn there was room for six of us. We're taking up way more space than I expected."

"Sorry, that's probably me," Brick sighed. "I really need to lay off the empty carbs. This is what happens. They go straight to my hips."

"Yeah, you _are_ looking fatter than last time," Jo noted. Brick shamefully nodded.

Jasmine shook her head. "It's not Brick. It's me." She turned to Duncan. "It looks like you forgot that I'm the easily the size of two people when you made your estimate, Duncan."

"Oh yeah," Duncan said. He shrugged. "Well, sh**."

"But then what do we do?!" Tyler asked, panicking. "I don't want to be left out of the party! I've NEVER been left out of a party!"

"First, I highly doubt that," Jo said. "And second, just calm down. We'll have to figure something out." She turned to the others. "Anyone got an idea?"

"Well, there _is_ one place he can go..." Duncan offered.

 _ **10 minutes later...**_

Jo slammed the trunk of the golf cart shut and wiped her hands off. She then squatted down next to it.

"You good in there?" she asked.

"Hell yeah!" came Tyler's muffled voice from inside the trunk. "Now _this_ is EXTREME! WOOHOO!"

"Glad you're having a great time," Jo said. "If you need anything, just let us know. We probably won't hear you but, you know, we might. Probably not, though."

"Got it!" responded Tyler. "Thanks, Jo!" He paused for a moment. "I gotta say, it _is_ a little stuffy in here... heh heh... and my head's sorta spinning... I think I'll just... close my eyes..."

"That's the spirit," Jo said, standing back up. She patted the top of the trunk. "Just take a nap. We'll be at the campsite when you wake up."

Jo then walked back to the front seat and climbed in next to Brick. She gave the thumbs-up to Duncan, who stepped on the gas pedal. The golf cart shot forward, its wheels screeching on the pavement. As they sped forward, Jasmine glanced behind them, frowning.

"I need to ask... why'd we put Tyler in the trunk? Why not Eva? She's already knocked out anyway. She wouldn't even notice."

"Because, Jasmine, there is a very clearly-defined hierarchy on this team," Jo explained. "And right now, Eva's corpse is much higher on the totem pole than Tyler is."

Jasmine said nothing, still frowning.

"I have a more important question," Duncan said as he steered. "How the hell do we get back to Pahkitew Island from here?"

Jo shrugged. "Just go through the same rift in the space-time continuum that Tyler made by taking us here."

"Got it."

 **Confession Cam**

 **Duncan: Yeah, I'd say I scored a few brownie points with my team by snagging the golf cart. Not like I really need them. Honestly, there's nothing I can do at this point to get booted before Tyler. There's nothing** ** _anyone_** **can do to get booted before Tyler. (He smirks.) That's actually a pretty nice luxury to have.**

 **(Static)**

 **Tyler: Look, I know why my team put me in the trunk. I'm not an idiot. (He shakes his head.) The writing's on the wall. I know exactly how they feel about me now. I just wish I'd known earlier. (He pauses.) I mean, I knew they loved me, but I didn't know they loved me** ** _that_** **much! Letting me ride in the most EXTREME section of the golf cart? Talk about a story to tell your grandkids! (He grins at the camera.) Thanks, you guys! I owe you one!**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Brains Campsite**

It was early evening now, with the sun just an hour away from setting. Alejandro sat with the other Brains around a roaring campfire. The handsome competitor was in the middle of a campfire story.

"... _So, with a cry of fury, I delivered the final blow, plunging my hand into the fearsome beast's chest and pulling out its still-beating heart. It collapsed to the ground before me; at long last, it was dead. I slowly held up my prize, for all of the villagers to see. At long last, their endless nightmare was over, courtesy of Alejandro Burromuerto. I was their savior. The End_."

Cameron and Scarlett clapped politely while Courtney scowled. Harold, meanwhile, burst into applause.

"Bravo, bravo!" he cried, wiping away a tear. "That was awesome, Al! Where did you learn to spin such an enchanting yarn?"

"Thank you, Harold," Alejandro said, sitting down. "Campfire stories have been a sacred tradition in the Burromuerto family for many generations. I was taught the value of storytelling by my Uncle Roberto when I was a child."

"I'm pretty sure 'Uncle Roberto' didn't teach you to make your stories self-insert garbage where you verbally jack yourself off for twenty minutes," Courtney asked.

Alejandro ignored her. "Although I must say, it paled in comparison to _your_ campfire story, Harold."

"Aw, shucks," Harold giggled, blushing. "You flatter me."

"I mean it! I still can't get over the plot of your story, Harold. Samurai wizards who learn to tame cyborg dragons in order to fend off the pervasive influence of Western culture? Ingenious!"

"Ugh, don't remind us," Noah said, gagging. Alejandro glanced at the bookworm.

"Surely _you_ have a campfire story to offer, Noah. You're always reading that book rather than interacting with us, after all."

"Nope. No stories from me," Noah said.

"Come on... not even a short one? Sometimes the shortest stories are the most rapturous."

Noah paused. "Well... I _do_ have _one_ story..."

"Ooo! Please share!" Alejandro crossed his legs and leaned towards Noah eagerly.

"Okay. Here goes..." Noah cleared his throat. " _Once upon a time, there was a guy who didn't want to tell a story. So he didn't tell a story_. _The End._ " He went back to reading his book.

Alejandro frowned. "I must say, I am bit underwhelmed, Noah. That didn't really feel like a story."

"You know, I actually really liked it," Harold said, shrugging. "It really makes you think, you know? Like, _why_ doesn't this man want to tell a story? What aspect of his past has left him with such a bleak outlook on storytelling? It leaves you pondering that question. And in doing so, _you_ get to come up with your _own_ story. Ingenious in its own respect!"

"See? Harold gets it," Noah said.

Alejandro scratched his head. "...I see. Well, thanks for that, Noah." He turned to Courtney, smiling. "Your turn, Courtney."

"Okay, here's my story." Courtney looked directly at Alejandro. "Why are you here?"

"That's... not a story. That is a question, Courtney."

"And now you get to answer it. In the form of a story. _Why the hell are you here_?"

"Do you mean on this earth? Because that will surely bring up philosophical argument that I'd really not like to get int-"

"No! I mean here, with our team instead of with your own damn team! I want an actual answer! And it can't be a poem like last time!"

Alejandro sighed. "Well, that should be obvious, Courtney. Have you not _seen_ my team? Those self-obsessed heathens, whose only defining characteristics are their ignorance, vapidity, and complete lack of regard for others?"

"Sounds like you fit right in to me," Noah said.

"Hahahaha! You're such a riot, Noah." Alejandro shook his head. "But no, I do not fit in with my team. Not at all. I hate them. They make me ashamed to be beautiful. No; they make me ashamed to be human."

"That sounds like an overreaction," Cameron said.

"Maybe so," Alejandro admitted. "But still, _this_ is where I truly belong." He placed a hand on Cameron's shoulder, smiling. "Among my intellectual equals. While I may technically be a member of Team Beauty, I believe I am a Brain at heart."

"Whoa, you have a brain where your heart is? That sounds abnormal. You might want to get that checked by a medical professional," Harold suggested. "My Uncle Steve had a similar condi—"

"No, Harold. What he's saying is that he thinks he's part of our team. But that is _not_ the case," Courtney growled. "And frankly, I don't believe he actually thinks that for a second." She turned to Alejandro. "Why are you _actually_ here, Al?"

"I speak the truth, Courtney!" Alejandro insisted. "And yet you don't believe me? Why is that?" He sounded hurt.

"Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot, ring a bell? You hated everyone on that team. But I don't seem to recall you ever trying to ditch them for us. And yet here you are." Courtney eyed Alejandro suspiciously over the fire. "No, something else is going on here. And you better tell us what it is."

Alejandro was about to respond, but instead said nothing. The Latino hunk took a deep breath, staring at the fire. He was silent for long time. Then he finally spoke.

"…You're an astute one, Courtney. Unfortunately, I cannot deny your accusations. I _am_ here for another reason. A very personal reason. But I swore I wouldn't lie this time around, so I will stay true to that vow and tell you the truth. Because I consider you my friends."

"Um, I'm fairly certain you already broke that vow," Scarlett pointed out. "Given that you blatantly lied to us before Courtney called you out on it."

"…Starting now," Alejandro said to her with a wink. He turned to face the others. "Contrary to what you all may believe, I am not here with antagonistic intentions. I am here because of one thing. And that, quite simply, is love."

Heather, who had been surprisingly quiet up until now, shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Courtney stared at Alejandro in confusion.

"What are you talking about? _Love_? That doesn't make any… oh wait." She scowled. "Of course. I forgot AleHeather was canon now. Great."

"It _is_ great, Courtney. It is wonderful! At long last, Heather and I have taken our rightful throne as the crowning couple of the Total Drama franchise!" Alejandro proclaimed with joy. He paused. "Although I do still have mixed feelings about our shipping name. While 'AleHeather' is fine, I personally prefer 'Heatherjandro'. Heather's name deserves to come first. It also has a nice alliterative aspect to it."

"Well, _I_ personally preferred it when Heather kneed you in the crotch and pushed you down the side of a volcano on a giant ice cube, humiliating you on national TV." Courtney shrugged. "But I guess we both can't have everything we want."

"Indeed we cannot, Courtney," Alejandro sighed. "I learned that very early on this time around. When I found out that Heather and I would be on opposite teams this season, I was truly devastated. Spending time away from Heather is the greatest torture known to man. I drive myself insane within minutes, wondering where she is, whom she is with, what she is doing, what other men are luring her into their lovingly sinister embrace... She usually texts me every hour to give me an update, but Chris confiscated our phones. I had to make sure she would be all right." He shrugged. "So, what other choice did I have but to tag along with your team?"

"Well, you could have chosen to not be such a controlling and possessive boyfriend," Noah suggested.

Alejandro laughed heartily. "Oh, how I missed your sarcastic quips, Noah. They always bring a smile to my face." He chuckled, shaking his head. "However, I think I'll trust my own instincts when it comes to my relationship, rather than the instincts of someone who lapses into analeptic shock for an entire episode whenever a woman exercises her right to reject him."

"You watched The Ridonculous Race?" Noah asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Why of course! I had to show my support for you and Owen, as my fellow Total Drama alumni. And I must say, you two did an excellent job stumbling ass-backwards into 7th place while adding nothing of significance to the season."

"Thanks."

"You're quite welcome, Noah. When you get the chance, tell Owen I still despise him." Alejandro turned back to Courtney. "But now do you understand? I would do anything for Heather. I would build her 100 rafts if she were to ask. Yes, we are on opposite teams, and technically, that means I should not help her. But our relationship is not bound by the trivialities of the game. And I can say with certainty that I would willingly sacrifice my own shot at the million if it meant a better shot for her. Because I love her. It is a love that consumes every fiber of my being like an unstoppable fire." He smiled at the C.I.T. "You once felt the same way about Duncan, did you not?"

Courtney burst out laughing. "Good one."

"Oh. My mistake. I meant Scott," Alejandro said, nodding. He turned back and gazed at the fire. "In this game, it is so hard to find people who you can trust. But I know that I can always rely on Heather. For lack of a better term, screw my teammates. My only allegiance is to her. And together, we will dominate this game. There is no way we _can't_. We're the two most powerful players this game has ever seen, united as one! It is fate. It is our destiny."

The Brains all glanced at one another nervously as he said this. Heather suddenly got up from her stump and walked over to Alejandro. She tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey... can I talk to you for a moment? In private?"

"Of course!" Alejandro said, standing up. Grabbing his hand, Heather led him away into the forest.

* * *

The couple eventually arrived in a smaller clearing, surrounded by trees. They came to a stop here. Alejandro looked around.

"Ah... good thinking. Our teammates will never find us here," he said, nodding with approval. He slowly leaned forward, his lips puckered.

"We're not here to make out, you idiot."

"...Oh." Alejandro hung his head for a moment, before looking up at Heather hopefully. "But is it still part of the festivities?"

"I have a question, Alejandro," Heather said. "Just what do you think you're _doing_?"

Alejandro glanced at her. She was glaring at him with her hands on her hips.

"Um... right now?" the Latino asked, frowning. "Standing in a clearing with you, very disappointed that we are not making out. Is this a trick question?"

"You know that's not what I'm talking about," Heather growled. "Just tell me. Why are you so intent on tanking our games?!"

"Tanking?!" Alejandro gasped. " _Que_?! No! I am doing no such thing!"

"Yes you are! It's _exactly_ what you're doing!"

"How so?"

"Following my team around nonstop? Professing your love for me in front of all my teammates? What do you call that?"

"I call that being a good boyfriend!"

"Exactly," Heather groaned. "And that's the entire problem here."

"Why is it a problem?" Alejandro asked, crossing his arms. "We're in a _relationship_ , in case you _forgot_."

"Ugh.. you actually don't get it?" Heather shook her head. "Tell me something, _Al_. How are you and I viewed by everyone else?"

"Why, it's obvious." Alejandro grinned evilly. "They're terrified of us. They know all too well that you and I are head-and-shoulders above them in all facets of this game. And it's wonderful."

Heather scowled at him. "It's not wonderful! It's a bad thing! You shouldn't be happy about that!"

"Why not? It's the truth." Alejandro shrugged. "They _should_ be scared. They should tremble before our greatness. I mean, look at us, Heather. We're two of the most legendary players this game has ever seen, strategic masterminds of the highest caliber _._ And we're surrounded by a cast of nobodies like Tyler. They don't stand a chance. One-by-one, we will crush their hopes and dreams yet again, and there is absolutely nothing they can do about it."

"They can vote us out," Heather said.

Alejandro burst out laughing. "Good one, Heather. No they can't."

"Yes, they can! And they will! Do you not know how returning players seasons work? Your reputation is _everything_. And guess what? Everyone knows you're a sociopath. Everyone knows I'm a conniving bitch. We can't shake those reputations." Heather sighed. "We were already in trouble before we even stepped onto the beach. People just aren't gonna waste their time targeting Tyler or Anne Maria when we're in the cast."

"So? Who cares?" Alejandro crossed his arms. "Let them come after us! It will do them no good. Our strategic abilities are far too great. Just because there may be more of them than us, does not mean that they can vote us out."

"Yes it does! Do you even understand how voting works? It literally _only_ depends on who has more people! That's the GAME!" Heather shouted. She shook her head. "And what's the only thing that's more threatening in the game than two major strategic threats? Two major strategic threats that are in a relationship."

"They can't hold that against us. It's not our fault that we have been bitten by the _culebra_ of love!"

"Do you think the other players care? No. To them, all that matters is that if we're in a relationship, that means we're in an alliance. It's just one more way that we're a threat." Heather shrugged. "So really, our gameplan is simple. You and I need to do whatever we can to reduce that threat to the others."

Alejandro stared at her. "What... what are you suggesting here?"

"We can't be seen together. The less we interact, the better. We need everyone to forget we're even in a relationship."

"No! Absolutely not!" Alejandro gasped. "I do not approve of that plan!"

"Then do you want to lose?!" Heather snapped. "Is that what you want? Because that's what's going to happen!"

"No. You know better than anyone that's not the case. That is why the Alejandro never loses."

"Oh, really? Because I seem to recall that 'the Alejandro' has already lost twice. Does the Alejandro want to make it a threepeat?"

"Actually, I'm technically the official winner of Total Drama World Tour. My alternate ending aired in Canada," Alejandro pointed out. Noticing Heather glaring at him, he shrugged. "Just felt the need to correct you there." He shook his head. "But it's different now, Heather. My priorities have changed. Losing is one thing. But you are more than that." He slowly took her hand, gazing into her eyes. "You're the only person that makes me happy, the only person who sees me for who I am. I'm not willing to sacrifice you for anything. Not even for the million dollars."

"You're not 'sacrificing' me!" Heather groaned, ripping her hand out of his grasp. "It's just during the competition!"

"That's what they all say," Alejandro muttered.

"Who's ' _they_ '?"

"That's beside the point. Heather, you must respect my decision. That's all I ask. _Por favor_."

"You seriously expect me to respect your decision to be such an insecure bitch that you can't even take a break from our relationship for, like, 25 days? No! That's pathetic! You told me you wouldn't be clingy like that!"

"Oh, it will be far longer than 25 days, Heather," Alejandro said, shaking his head. "It can take _months_ for each update to arrive when it comes to stories like these. It could very well be decades before we are reunited!"

"...I'm not even going to try to figure out what the hell you're talking about," Heather sighed. She looked directly at him. "I'm just gonna lay it out on the table. You need to suck it up and do what's best for our game. And if you don't, and you cost me the game because of it, there will be consequences."

"...What kinds of consequences?"

"You'll be lucky to ever hear from me again."

Alejandro stared at his girlfriend in shock.

Suddenly, there was a rustling in the bushes next to them, and Dawn climbed out. She sighed with relief when she saw Alejandro.

" _There_ you are!" She glided over to him, smiling. "I had a feeling I'd find you here. You have no idea how worried we all were about you!" She glanced at Heather, and then back to Alejandro. "Oh... I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?"

"No, you aren't," Heather said. "In fact, Alejandro was actually just telling me how he needed to go find his teammates." She looked pointedly at Alejandro. "Right, _Al_?"

Alejandro caught her gaze and swallowed deeply. He quickly turned back to Dawn.

"...Yes. What Heather said is correct," he said. "I lost you all at the campfire pit when I went to the bathroom, so I tagged along with the Brains. I'm so glad you found me."

Dawn looked at him strangely, but said nothing.

"Well, then. Looks like everything is fine now. I'll see you later, _Al_ ," Heather said, nodding at Alejandro. She started to walk away.

"Wait! Can I at least have a hug goodb..."

Alejandro trailed off as he realized she was already gone.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Heather: Yes, I felt sort of bad having to put my foot down with Alejandro like that. Maybe it wasn't my most "graceful" tactic. But I need to get his head in the game** ** _somehow_** **. Hopefully this does the trick.**

 **(Static)**

 **Alejandro (staring off into space): Man... I never really noticed how beautiful Heather is when she's telling me to f**k off. (He sighs dreamily.)**

 **End of Confessionals**

Alejandro and Dawn now walked down a wide trail through the forest, heading back to the Beauty campsite as the sun began to dip below the tree tops. As they progressed, animals continued to join them, following behind. Squirrels waved at Dawn from their burrows; butterflies landed on her head, fluttering their wings; and hundreds of birds flew around in the air, singing.

Dawn glanced back at Alejandro, who was awkwardly trying to walk without stepping on the countless animals scampering about.

"How's it going back there?" she asked.

Alejandro looked up at her, exasperated. "Does this really happen to you everywhere you go?"

"Yes, it does," Dawn said, smiling and nodding. "Isn't it wonderful? It's such a treat to see all of the animals outside, enjoying themselves!"

"I personally find it incredibly disturbing," Alejandro said, glancing at a large grizzly bear that was tapdancing nearby.

"Are you referring to Walter? Oh, don't mind him," Dawn said, smiling at the bear. "He's just rehearsing for a big recital next week."

"Can't he do it somewhere else? Like literally _anywhere_ else?" Alejandro asked. He cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted at the bear. "YOU HEARD ME, WALTER! GO BACK TO WHATEVER BACKWARDS, PERVERSE PIXAR DREAMLAND YOU CAME FROM, YOU ANTHROMORPHIC ABOMINATION!"

Dawn slowed down until she was next to Alejandro. "Are you sure you're okay? Anything you want to talk about?"

"No, I'm fine," Alejandro quickly said, forcing a smile. "Sorry, that was a little harsh. It's just been a long day." He glanced at Dawn. "How _did_ you find me so quickly, anyway?"

"Oh, that was the easy part," Dawn laughed. "I just followed your aura!"

Alejandro came to a halt and stared at her.

"My _aura_? You can... _follow_ it?"

"In certain instances, yes," Dawn said, nodding. "As you may know, I used to only be able to read people's auras by holding their hand. But I've found that my abilities have gotten stronger over time. I now can sense many people's auras without touching them. The closer I get to them, the stronger the sensation becomes."

"Wow. So you can track a person at all times, despite how far away you are?" Alejandro shook his head and sighed. "What I wouldn't give for a power like that. It would certainly make my love life easier."

Dawn shook her head. "Not quite. In most instances, I can only sense someone's aura from a few feet away. But you're different, Alejandro. You have such a strong aura that its radius extends for many miles."

Alejandro nodded with approval. "But of course. That would only make sense. Alejandro Burromuerto excels at all aspects of his life, and his aura is no exception!"

"Actually, having a strong aura isn't necessarily a good thing. In your case, you're pretty much filled to the brim with repressed childhood memories."

"Huh?"

Suddenly, there was a low rumble in the distance.

The animals all stopped their activities and fell quiet, frozen in place. There was a moment of silence. Then they scattered in all directions, disappearing into the foliage and leaving the trail empty.

Dawn quickly turned to Alejandro.

"We need to find shelter," she said urgently. "Before we get caught!"

"Get caught in what?" Alejandro asked, frowning.

"There's a storm on the horizon, Alejandro. And it could be here any minute."

"Oh, come on. The sky is perfectly clear. Anyways, _I_ personally would like to go back to that wholly unnecessary comment you just made about me."

"There's no time!" Dawn exclaimed, grabbing Alejandro by the hand. She started racing down the path, dragging him along with her.

"Stop! Where are we going?!" Alejandro demanded.

"We need protection," Dawn said as she ran. "And there's one place I know that's perfect!"

 _ **Five minutes later...**_

Dawn and Alejandro now sat crouched inside of a beaver dam.

"'Perfect' would not be my first adjective to describe this place," Alejandro said, glancing around. A beaver's tail suddenly smacked him in the face. "OW!"

"Perhaps not. But it should shield us from the worst of it," Dawn said. Eight beavers were all cuddled up against her, fast asleep.

"The worst of it? How bad is this storm going to be, that we have to resort to _this_?" Alejandro asked. He tried to pull a beaver out of his hair, but it dug its claws into his forehead. "AUGH!"

"Oh, quite bad indeed. Without shelter, I'm not sure anyone could survive this," Dawn said, looking worried. "In fact, I'm almost certain that this storm will destroy almost everything in its path." She turned and smiled at Alejandro. "Good thing our teammates have been building a shelter all afternoon!"

* * *

 **Beauty Beach**

Justin lay on his back in his beach chair, sunbathing. His eyes were closed, his skin now a crisp dark tan. Justin suddenly lifted himself for a moment, looking as if he were about to get up. Instead, he flipped himself onto his stomach, sighing and closing his eyes once more. He did not notice the storm clouds quietly approaching in the distance.

Time passed. A slight breeze started to come in from the ocean.

The clouds continued to move towards the beach, until they were directly overhead. They suddenly blocked out the last of the sun, enveloping Justin in a shadow. The model instantly sat up, scowling.

"Anne Maria! What did I say about standing over me like that? You screw up my whole sunbathing ritual!" He paused as he realized that Anne Maria wasn't standing next to him. Justin glanced to his right. The Jersey girl lay fast asleep in the adjacent beach chair. Justin slowly glanced up, squinting his eyes. His face drained of color when he saw the storm clouds that now loomed ominously above. He turned to his left and slowly nudged Chef awake.

"Um... Chef?" Justin asked, his voice trembling. He pointed up at the sky. "What is that?"

Chef yawned and rubbed his eyes. He sat up in his chair and looked at the sky. He then turned to Justin.

"That's my cue to leave," he answered. The cook then stood up and grabbed his beach chair. With the chair tucked under his arm, he waved goodbye to Justin, before running over to a truck that was parked at the edge of the forest. Stuffing the beach chair in the back, Chef hopped into the driver's seat and started the ignition. He adjusted the rear view mirror, preparing to back out.

"Great idea, Chef," Justin suddenly said from the passenger seat, grinning. The model was now fully dressed. "I love your thinking. We'll just stay at your place while the storm passes!"

"That's what _I'm_ doing," Chef said, turning to him. "But _your_ team has gotta stay here."

Justin shrugged. "Fine by me. We can leave them here. I don't care about them." He checked his reflection in the rearview mirror, frowning. "Man, I could really use a spa day. Does your trailer happen to include a jacuzzi?"

"Your team happens to include _you_."

Justin frowned. "Uh... yeah. So?"

"I can't take you with me, Justin."

Justin slowly turned to Chef and gasped. " _No._ You mean you're going to _leave_ me here? To DIE?" He burst out laughing. "Okay... good one, Chef. You almost had me there. For second, I really thought you were-" He was cut off as Chef grabbed him by his shirt collar. The model's eyes widened. "Wait! Let's be reasonable here-" Justin screamed as he was hurled out of the truck and landed in the sand. He frantically scrambled to his feet.

"Wait! Please! I BEG OF YOU!" he cried, clinging to the side of the vehicle. "Why are you doing this?!"

Chef shrugged. "Chris's orders. Gotta follow them."

"No you don't! You don't have to do what he says, remember?" Justin pleaded. "You're a free man! You're not his slave!" He paused. "For the record, I did not intend for that to have any racial implications."

"Listen, Justin... you're a great kid, with a great butt," Chef sighed. "And I wish I could help you out. I really do. Because to be honest, your whole team is absolutely f**ked. But at the end of the day, your butt ain't the one writing my paychecks. That's the butt of Chris Mclean."

Justin crossed his arms, scowling. "Oh, okay. I see how it is. So all you care about is money, huh? That's it? That's what your morals come down to?"

"Pretty much," Chef said, shrugging. "What can I say? I'm basic. Anyway, I'll see ya around, Justin." With that, he hit the gas. The truck's tires squealed, and it sped off, knocking Justin to the ground again. Justin cupped a hand to his mouth and yelled after him.

"WELL SCREW YOU TOO THEN, CHEF! CONSIDER YOURSELF OFFICIALLY BANNED FROM JUSTIN LAND! PERMANENTLY! I THOUGHT WE HAD AN ILLEGAL ALLIANCE IN THE MAKING, BUT I GUESS NOT!" The model turned back around and kicked the sand in frustration. "Damn it!"

Suddenly, there was a clap of thunder. Justin glanced nervously up at the clouds, which were growing increasingly dark. Suddenly, he felt a drop of rain. The supermodel screamed and ran over to his teammates, who were all still asleep. He started shaking their beach chairs, jostling them awake.

"WAKE UP, PEOPLE!" he shouted, his eyes bloodshot. "WE NEED TO BUILD A SHELTER!"

 **Confession Cam**

 **Justin: Yeah, the situation was dire. But I had to stay composed at all costs.**

 **End of Confessionals**

"MORE WOOD!" Justin shouted. His teammates were now running around as a light sprinkle fell through the air and thunder rumbled in the distance. Each was performing a different task, but no one seemed to have any clue what they were doing. Anne Maria was digging furiously through the sand, Sugar was repeatedly hammering a single piece of driftwood, and Justin was all but having a mental breakdown as he barked out orders.

"C'MON, PEOPLE! DON'T STOP! WE CAN DO THIS! WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!"

"What else do we need?!" Topher asked anxiously, running up to him.

Justin glanced at him. "Um... wood? I don't know! I'm not some sort of shelter-building expert! Just keep doing shelter-y things!" The rain became heavier. Screaming, Justin sprinted into the woods, grabbed another log, and ran back with it. He tossed it onto the jumbled wood pile that had accumulated in the middle of the beach. He then grabbed a beach chair, and tossed it onto the pile as well. He wiped his hands off.

"T-there! That's a shelter, right?"

"Um... no," Topher said, examining the pile. "I don't think it is."

"Shut up! It's a shelter! Watch!" Justin dove forward into the wood pile. He landed on top with a painful thud. "Ow..."

The rain suddenly turned into a full-on downpour. Anne Maria ran over, looking up at her hair in horror, which was sagging.

"My pouf! It's gettin' ruined!" she shrieked.

"Who cares about your 'poof'?!" Justin cried, jumping up from the wood pile, his clothes soaked. " _I'm_ literally dying!" He started to hyperventilate. "I can't die yet! I haven't even had a spa day! My corpse can't have split-ends!" The darkening sky was suddenly illuminated by a burst of lightning. "Okay, I give up! New plan! EVERYONE TAKE COVER!"

As chaos ensued, Justin frantically looked around, trying to find a place to hide. He suddenly noticed a palm tree just a few yards away. The model ran over and huddled underneath the leaves. In doing so, he managed to block himself from most of the rain. Justin heaved a sigh of relief.

"Perfect. Okay, Justin. Just stay here until the storm's over," he said to himself, sitting down in the sand and checking his reflection.

"How long do you think that'll be?" Sugar asked. "Cause Sugar's pretty hungry, not gonna lie." Justin whipped around and glared at the pageant girl, who was sitting right next to him.

"Go hide somewhere else!" the hunk hissed. "There isn't room for you under here! You're way too fat!"

Sugar ignored him, her attention focused elsewhere.

"Ooooooo! Would ya look at that?" she marveled, staring up towards the top of the tree. "Those brown circles up there sure look tasty. But dang it, they're so far up!"

"You mean 'coconuts'?" Justin asked incredulously, looking up. "Do you actually not know that word? I'm pretty sure that's a word you're supposed to know by now."

"Who cares what they're called?" Sugar snapped. "You can call 'em Larry for all I care! All _I_ know is that they're gonna be MINE!"

"Oh really? And just how are you going to- NO! STOP! DON'T DO THAT!" Justin screamed as Sugar started to climb up the side of tree, making the entire trunk bend violently under her weight. Anne Maria suddenly joined Justin under the tree.

"Wow! Great idea, Justin baby!" the Jersey girl exclaimed. "We'll definitely be safe under here!"

Justin turned to her, scowling. "Well, it's not here for you be safe under! This is _my_ shelter! This is _my_ palm tree!"

"Ooo... really?" Anne Maria gasped. She winked at him. "Well, you _know_ how much I've _always_ wanted to see your palm tree."

"Was that supposed to be an innuendo?" Justin asked, staring at her. "I really hope that wasn't supposed to be an innuendo."

"That was definitely an innuendo, dude," Topher answered, walking over and joining them. "By palm tree, she meant your massive, rock-hard-"

"I KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT, TOPHER!" Justin shouted. He glared at the brown-haired teen. "And why are _you_ here?! Is this really the only place you could be right now? Because I'm pretty it's not. I'm pretty sure there are other palm trees on this beach, people! SERIOUSLY!"

"But we're a team, aren't we?" Anne Maria asked, frowning. "Shouldn't we be together at a time like this? You know... united as one?"

"No! None of that matters anymore. Teams are irrelevant from here on out. Do you not see what is happening right now?" Justin pointed up. "There is _water_. Falling from the SKY! Society is out the window at this point, people. It's every man for himself."

"I know!" Topher laughed. "Isn't it awesome?!"

"You need professional help, Topher."

Topher placed a hand on Justin's shoulder. "Come on, Justin. This is what Total Drama's all about! This is what we signed up for!"

"Speak for yourself!" Justin snapped as thunder clapped overhead. "This is not what _I_ signed up for! I just wanted to work on my tan and promote my designer thongs and call it a day!"

"Hold on," Anne Maria said. "Topher's usually wack, but he might actually got a point here." She smiled at Justin. "Maybe we just gotta have a more positive outlook on things! Like... sure, it's raining. But we _could_ be... uh... dead!"

"So? Being dead isn't so bad," Justin retorted. "At least a _coffin_ is a _shelter_."

"I mean, you're the one who insisted that we didn't need a shelter in the first place," Topher pointed out. "Do you really get to complain?"

"What are you talking about? I _totally_ wanted to build a shelter, but you people were too lazy!" Justin scoffed, crossing his arms.

"I think that's revisionist history," Topher said.

"Your FACE is revisionist history!" Justin shouted. The model chuckled. "Wow, that was a good one. I can't believe I just came up with that, off-the-cuff. Even in this moment of strife, I still can have a knack for comedic tim-"

Justin was cut off as Sugar suddenly crash-landed on top of him, flattening him into the sand. She proudly held up a coconut.

"I GOT one!"

 **Confession Cam**

 **Topher: I gotta hand it to Chris... I almost thought he'd gone soft on us. But man, he always knows how to hit us with the curveball when we least expect it! (Suddenly, the roof of the Confessional collapses in on him, crushing him to the floor in a pile of dust and rubble. He slowly raises his head and grins.) See?**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Team Brawn**

The golf cart came to a stop in the dark, pouring rain. A drenched Jo took out the soaked map and examined it. She looked back up, frowning.

"This should be it," she said. Suddenly, there was a flash of lightning, illuminating a large, gaping cave. A flag with the Brawns team logo stuck out of the ground next to it, billowing wildly in the wind. The passengers glanced at one another.

"Well... it's a shelter," said Jasmine. Everyone nodded.

The golf cart slowly continued forward into the cave, until it came to a stop inside. One-by-one, the Brawns stepped out of the passenger seat and began drying off.

"Screw it," Jo said, looking around at the cave walls at she shook out her hair. "It's not a tropical beach, but I'll take it. We'll be safe here, at least." She suddenly noticed Duncan, who was silently trying to get her attention. "What? What's your deal?"

Duncan put a finger to his lips and slowly pointed to his right. Jo turned in that direction, and saw what he was pointing at. The female jock swallowed deeply and fell silent.

There, sitting on a couch just a few feet away, was Sasquatchanawkwa. The large purple yeti was watching TV, with a remote in one hand and a bucket of popcorn in the other. He somehow hadn't noticed them yet, too occupied by the program.

A beaming Brick walked over to Jo, his hair drenched.

"Man, I don't know about you guys, but I _love_ a good thunder storm!" he proclaimed. "This is the sort of weather that really builds character! I remember one time at boot cam-" He was cut off as Jo clamped a hand over his mouth. "Mmph!"

Still covering Brick's mouth, Jo jerked a thumb at the situation in front of them. Brick's eyes widened at the sight, and he quickly fell silent as well. Jo then slowly removed her hand from his mouth.

The Brawns all glanced at each other, before hurrying over and huddling next to the golf cart.

" _W-what do we do?"_ Brick frantically whispered.

 _"You think_ I _know?"_ Jo whispered back. " _I don't even know what that thing is doing here! I thought it was still on Wawanakwa Island_!"

" _Chris obviously brought him here as a little 'surprise' for us_ ," Duncan sighed.

" _Well, there has to be_ something _we can do_ ," Jasmine whispered.

" _Yeah. Go fight it, Jasmine,_ " Jo suggested.

" _What? No! I'm not gonna do that_!"

" _C'mon! You're the same size as it! You can take it on!"_

" _No way! That thing will tear me to shreds!"_

 _"Fine."_ Jo turned to Duncan. " _It's all up to you, Duncan."_

 _"Hell no!"_

 _"C'mon. You've easily got the most plot armor here. You'll be fine."_

 _"My plot armor won't protect me from that!"_

 _"So? Stop being a wimp! It's for the team!"_

" _Why don't you go confront it, Jo? You're the leader, after all."_

 _"Um, because if I die, then the team won't_ have _a leader? Duh!"_

As the Brawns continued to argue, the camera panned over to the trunk of the golf cart. There was a series of bangs from inside, before it suddenly burst open. Tyler slowly crawled out, rubbing his head and groaning. The jock collapsed on the cave floor, before placing his palms on the ground and slowly rising to his feet. He breathed deeply, gasping for air.

"Ugh... _finally_!" he wheezed. He glared at his teammates. "Thanks for not noticing I was still in the trunk during that whole dramatic exchange! What am I, Tyler?" He paused. "Oh wait. I _am_ Tyler." He shook his head, chuckling. "Wow, that's actually kind of weird when you think about it _._ Like, the joke is usually that whoever is being called Tyler isn't _actually_ Tyler. But here I am. I'm _actually_ Tyler. Heh heh. My mind's kinda blown right now." He turned around, and gasped. "Whoa, sick TV, dude!"

" _NO, TYLER!_ "

Tyler ignored his teammates as he ran over and flopped down on the couch next to Sasquatchanawkwa. He squinted at the TV screen, which was currently playing _The Bachelor._ The athlete frowned, scratching his head.

"Yo, what are we watching right now?" he asked. "I've never seen this before. What sport is this?" Sasquatchanakwa didn't respond, his eyes focused on the screen. The show was in the middle of an elimination ceremony, as the bachelor began to pass out roses to the group of anxious girls.

"Okay, this is _super_ lame," Tyler groaned. "Who cares about flowers? Flowers are for babies and old women! Let's watch some _real_ sports!" He suddenly snatched the remote out of Sasquatchanawka's hand, making his teammates gasp. Tyler then flipped the switch, and the channel changed to a hockey game. The jock leaned back on the couch, grinning. " _There_ we go! Now _this_ is some quality entertainment. Say, can you pass the popcorn, dude?"

Sasquatchanawkwa slowly turned to him. A chilling silence fell over the cave.

" _...Oh God,_ " Brick whispered. " _What has Tyler done?! Everyone knows that you NEVER change the channel during a rose ceremony. EVER."_ Noticing his teammates staring at him, he shrugged. "What? I only know that because my sisters watch _The Bachelor_."

"I thought you told us you were an only child," Duncan said.

Brick tugged at his collar. "Uh... so? You can be an only child and still have siblings."

"No you can't," Jo said.

Brick swallowed deeply. "Well... um..." He threw up his hands in exasperation. "It's a well-produced television program, okay?!"

Sasquatchanakwa, meanwhile, got up from the couch. Tyler didn't notice until the purple yeti stepped in front of him, blocking his view of the TV screen. The jock looked up at Sasquatchanawka, who was glaring down at him.

"Yo, man, can you move? I'm tryna watch the game, not look at your junk."

Sasquatchanawkwa responded by letting loose a roar that shook the ground and echoed throughout the cave. Tyler shrieked and jumped back by behind the couch. He slowly lifted his head, trembling.

"What the heck was that, man?! That _has_ to break the Bro Code or something!"

Sasquatchanawka took a step toward him, climbing over the couch. Tyler frantically scrambled backward, until he was up against the wall.

"H-help!" he screamed. He looked around frantically as the yeti approached him. "HELP! THIS DUDE'S COMMITTING A SERIOUS PARTY FOUL!"

"Oh my gosh! We have to save Tyler!" Brick cried, starting forward. "WE'RE COMING, TYLER! HANG IN THERE, BUDDY!"

Jo held the cadet back. "Stop! What do you expect us to actually _do_? We can't take that thing on!"

Brick turned to her, wide-eyed. "But we can't just let Tyler get eaten!"

"Hey, it's called natural selection," Jo said with a shrug. "Tyler obviously isn't meant to stay in the gene pool. He brought this on himself."

"There has to at least be _something_ we can do!" Brick pleaded.

"Yeah," Jo said, nodding. "We can sit here and watch Tyler get eaten."

"No! There has to be something else!"

"Sure. We can crouch instead of sit while we watch Tyler get eaten."

Brick was about to protest more, when he suddenly noticed Eva's unconscious body resting behind him, slumped against the cave wall. The cadet thought for a moment. Then his eyes lit up.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Brick: My first time around, I thought my military expertise alone would carry me through the competition. But Total Drama was nothing like anything I'd seen out in the field. I knew that if I wanted any real shot at winning this game in the future, I'd have to study it closely, and come to know it like I know my own mother. (He pounds his fist into his hand.) I've dedicated myself to that mission ever since. I've rewatched every episode. I've analyzed every bonus scene. I've read every fanfic. I've chatted on every forum. And in doing so, I've gathered as much 'Total Drama' intel as humanly possible. Now, with my powerful arsenal of Total Drama trivia facts, I'm fully prepared to tackle all possible situations in this game! I'm the ultimate Total Drama mega-soldier! (He grins proudly. Then he pauses, and slowly rubs the back of his neck.) ...I may have had a little too much free time.**

 **End of Confessionals**

Brick got up from the hiding spot and snuck over to Eva. Gritting his teeth, the cadet reached down and grabbed the bodybuilder under her arms, before lifting her up off the ground. Holding Eva's body in front of him, he then slowly marched toward the yeti. His teammates' eyes widened as he walked past the golf cart.

" _What the hell are you doing?_ " Jo whispered.

"Making use of the available resources!" Brick declared as he continued forward. He stopped a few yards away from the yeti, propping Eva up so that it looked like she was standing. "HEY! Bigfoot! Over here! Look who came to visit!"

Sasquatchanawkwa paused as he cornered Tyler, turning at the sound of Brick's voice. His eyes widened in horror when he saw Eva standing before him.

"Yeah, that's right!" Brick shouted. "Now unless you want a repeat of last time, you better scram!"

Whimpering, the yeti ran over and grabbed his TV set and couch. He then sprinted over to the golf cart, stuffed the furniture items in the back, and hopped into the driver's seat.

Duncan jumped up. "Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing, man? That's my golf cart!"

However, before the delinquent could stop him, Sasquatchanakwa hit the acceleration and sped out of the cave. Duncan sighed as he watched the cart disappear into the forest. Brick, meanwhile gently placed Eva's body back against the wall, before walking back over to his teammates.

"Mission accomplished!" he declared, saluting. "I have successfully mitigated the threat."

"How did you know that would work?" Jasmine asked, raising an eyebrow. "That was some really quick thinking."

"Season 1, Episode 15," Brick said. "Eva had to spend ten seconds inside a wooden crate with Sasquatchanakwa as part of the 'Say Uncle' challenge. It was a vicious encounter, with Eva ultimately emerging victorious. Sasquatchanakwa has been terrified of her ever since. Good thing I remembered that just in the nick of time."

"Wow. Talk about obscure trivia facts," Jo said, staring at him. "Why the hell do you know that?"

Brick winked at her. "I think you'll be surprised a lot, Jo. I'm full of surprises this season." As he chuckled, the cadet glanced down, and immediately stiffened up.

"Is something wrong?" Jasmine asked.

"N-nope! Absolutely n-nothing!" Brick stammered, quickly placing his hands over his crotch. "Excuse me, ma'am."

He then sprinted out of the cave into the pouring rain.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Brick: Ugh!** **I swear, every time I get even slightly scared by something, my bladder just feels the need to stop functioning. It's so annoying! Nobody will take me seriously as a competitor if I don't stop peeing in my pants! There** ** _has_** **to be a way around this. (He gasps.) Wait a minute. What if I just stop wearing pants? Then there's no way it'll** ** _ever_** **happen! YES! (He pauses, and groans.) Ugh, what are you even thinking, Brick? That's so STUPID! (He bangs his head against the wall in frustration.)**

 **(Static)**

 **Jo: Here I was, thinking Brick was a non-factor in this game. But he may be more of a threat than I realized, now that he's somehow absorbed Sierra's freaky superfan powers. That's a dangerous and terrifying combo quite frankly. I'll be keeping a** ** _much_** **closer eye on him.**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Beaver Dam**

It was now nighttime. Dawn and Alejandro sat together among the driftwood, with beavers nestled all around them, fast sleep. Outside, the storm continued to rage, rattling the dam every so often.

"…We spent the rest of the night out by the moonlit water, gazing up at the endless stars, bodies entwined in an endless embrace. In that moment, we were infinite," Alejandro said. He leaned back and sighed. "That was the first time Heather ever told me 'I love you'."

"Awww…" Dawn swooned.

"I know, right? But as you know, it did take quite a while." Alejandro chuckled. "84 times, to be exact. I told her 'I love you' 84 times before she finally reciprocated."

Dawn raised an eyebrow. "What would she do when you said it before then?"

"Insult me, usually. Publicly humiliate me, often. Or kick me in the crotch. In a flirtatious way, of course."

"Oh my! That sounds horrible!"

" _Si,_ it was," Alejandro laughed. "Very horrible. The word 'horrible' pretty much sums up our relationship." He leaned back, still chuckling. Noticing Dawn looking at him strangely, the ladies' man cringed. "Sorry… that came out wrong." He shrugged. "I mean, I won't deny it. Our relationship _is_ horrible. We are horrible people, Dawn. Half our conversations are spent making fun of homeless people or obese children. Nonetheless, it is the best type of horrible on earth." He sighed with content. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

"That makes perfect sense," Dawn said, smiling. "You really do think Heather's the one, don't you?"

Alejandro turned to her, eyebrow raised. "Did you just read my aura again?"

"…No. I've just been listening to you talk about her incessantly for the past two hours," Dawn said, grinning.

Alejandro smirked back at her. "Oh, okay. So you're being a hater now. Don't forget that _you're_ the one who prompted it, _chica_. Not me."

"I just asked you if you were still together with Heather. It was a yes-or-no question."

"And I answered. In the form of a two-hour monologue. You never specified."

"Fair enough," Dawn giggled. She suddenly looked directly into Alejandro's eyes. "Just remember that Heather loves you, too, Alejandro."

"Well, of course. I know that," Alejandro said, frowning.

"Do you, Alejandro? Or is something troubling you?"

"Nope. Nothing at all. Uh, anyways, it's getting pretty late, we should probably—"

"Hmm…" Dawn suddenly took Alejandro's hand in hers and closed her eyes. "I sense… doubt. No, stronger than doubt… fear. I sense a great fear within you."

"Fear?" Alejandro laughed. "Obviously your aura reading needs some work. The Alejandro fears nothing." He tried to free his hand from Dawn's, to no avail.

"You fear that you are going to lose her," Dawn said. Alejandro's stopped smiling. Dawn's frown deepened as she continued to read his aura. "No- you fear that you _are_ losing her. In fact, you fear that you may have lost her already."

"Who? Who are we talking about here? Certainly not still Heather, right? That'd be ridiculous. Heh heh. Please let go of my hand."

Dawn opened her eyes again. "I know you're afraid, Alejandro. You have every right to be. What you've been through… it's no wonder you became so emotionally reserved."

"I… you don't…"

"You opened your heart to love when you were younger, gave it everything you had. But it all came crashing down in one fell swoop. You lost everything, Alejandro. And in the aftermath, you withdrew into yourself."

"Okay, that's quite en—"

"You built up a line of defense that would ensure that you would never be heartbroken again. You slowly distanced yourself further and further from all women, even your own mother. You developed a new philosophy: treat them as objects, a means to an end; never get too close. That's how you became the Alejandro that arrived on the tarmac in season 3, a sensitive, vulnerable, and thoughtful young man hidden behind a pair of Rayban sunglasses and a veil of misogny. But then Heather came along. Despite all your efforts, you fell for her. Now you're emotionally vulnerable again. You aren't in the driver's seat anymore. And it excites you, but it also terrifies you." She gazed into Alejandro's eyes. "You've never been in a real relationship before, have you?"

Alejandro slowly shook his head, curled up in a ball.

"You still haven't figured out this relationship, either. It seems like the harder you try, the further you push Heather away. And looming over you is a deep, existential dread. Deep down, you still believe that true love cannot last. Your parents' divorce and the death of your dog only reinforced that notion. Worst of all, you fear that Heather may not love the 'real' you- she just loves the image of confidence you project. This fear is building, and it is slowly killing you inside." She let go of his hand. "That's the current read I'm getting."

Alejandro stared at her, his eyes wide. Dawn slowly placed a hand on his shoulder.

"But Heather _does_ love the real you, Alejandro. I know it," she said, smiling. "Just be yourself. You have nothing to worry about, I promise! Everything will work out in the end."

Alejandro said nothing in response, vacantly staring into space, still curled up in a ball. Dawn sighed.

"…And you're officially traumatized. Great. Okay, I probably dove a little too deep into your aura just now. I do that sometimes." She shook her head and groaned. "I don't know why it freaks people out so much! I can't help it!" The moonchild glanced back at Alejandro, who hadn't moved. "Anyways, sorry about that. I promise your secrets are safe with me!" Alejandro still didn't respond. "…I think I'll just let you sleep this one off."

Sighing, the moonchild then lay down among the beavers and closed her eyes. Alejandro continued to sit there, rocking back and forth and sucking his thumb.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Alejandro: Well, I've certainly found** ** _my_** **first target. (He shudders.)** ** _I'm_** **the one that's supposed to be emotionally violating people! Not the other way around!**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Beauty Beach**

The Beauties sat huddled in the darkness against the trunk of the palm tree, shivering and drenched. The wind howled and lightning flashed every couple of seconds. The rain pounded down on the leaves above, spraying them with water over and over again.

The storm only continued to worsen as time went on. Before long, it had become a full-on monsoon. The Beauties were now surrounded on all sides by a violent vortex. Bushes and other palm trees were ripped from the ground and sent hurling into the raging cyclone.

The camera zoomed in on Justin, who was in the worst shape of the group. His whole body was pale, his lips were dark blue, and his eyes were bloodshot. And yet, he continued to sit there in his thong, staring silently forward, resolute.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Justin: In a moment like that, it all comes down to your willpower. It was the ultimate test of who breaks first. Me, or Mother Nature. Oh sure, that thunderstorm tried to wear me down. (He pounds his chest.) But in here? I'm unmovable. Unbreakable. Unyielding. Unstoppable. One of a kind. Last of the Mohicans. A legend.**

 **End of Confessionals**

"I quit," Justin said, standing up.

"Huh? What do you mean?" Anne Maria gasped, looking up at him.

"I mean, I'm quitting this show. F**k this. See you guys. It's been real."

Anne Maria jumped up, her eyes wide with horror.

"No! YOU CAN'T LEAVE!" she squealed, clinging to the model.

"Let go of me, you psycho!" Justin ripped her hands away from him. He shouted into the darkness. "HEY! PRODUCERS! DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?! I'M QUITTING! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?! BRING ME A HELICOPTER ALREADY! PREFERABLY WITH A JACUZZI!"

There was no response except the roar of the storm. Justin clenched his fists.

"I know those bastards heard me," he growled. "They can't keep me here against my will!"

"They can, though," Topher said from behind him. "You signed a contract, remember?"

"True," Anne Maria sighed. "We _all_ signed a contract. There's nothing we can do."

"For the love of… that's not how contracts WORK, you idiots!" Justin groaned, turning back to them. "'You signed a contract' is not some sort of all-powerful legal loophole! Why does everyone on this show keep buying into that bullsh**?! When did we just start accepting that ridiculous premise?!"

"It was also part of the contract," Topher said with a shrug.

Justin pinched the bridge of his nose. "Okay, let's say I had you sign a 'contract' that said I could legally break into your home and kill your entire family. Would it not still be murder if I then proceeded to break into your home and kill your entire family?"

"Wait… _that_ was on the contract, too?" Anne Maria gasped. She dropped to her knees in front of Justin. "Please don't kill my family! I beg of you! Not my cousin Vinny!"

Justin stared at her in disbelief. Then, shaking his head, he turned around and began walking out into the midst of the storm.

"Whoa! Dude! Where are you going?!" Topher shouted after him.

Justin turned back around, his arms crossed.

"If the producers won't come to me, then I'm coming to them!" he declared. "I'm gonna quit this show even if it kills me!"

With that, Justin confidently strode forward, determination in his eyes. He screamed as he was instantly sucked into the raging vortex. The model hurtled through the air, circling around the rest of the Beauties as the monsoon enveloped him.

"OH MY GOD! JUSTIN!" Anne Maria screamed.

"GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!" Justin wailed. He flailed around in panic as he flew through the sky. "Oh God, this is SO BAD FOR MY SKIN!"

Anne Maria ran out into the storm. "I'LL GET YA DOWN, BABY!" The Jersey girl then jumped headfirst into the cyclone, getting swept up into the air too.

"Hey! Wait for me!" Topher yelled, clamoring up from the ground and running after them. He cheered as he ran. "Woohoo! NOW we're talking! This is what Total Drama's all abou—" He was cut off as he, too, was sucked into the vortex.

Now only Sugar remained under the palm tree, holding a coconut. She watched her screaming teammates circle around above her head, and smirked as she grabbed another coconut from the pile.

"I swear, it's like these fools ain't never played this game before. Whatever. While _they're_ out there wastin' all their energy, Sugar's only gettin' stronger." She cackled to herself and leaned back against the tree. This caused the whole trunk to bend, dislodging a coconut from the top. It landed on her head with a thud, instantly knocking her unconscious.

The camera stayed focused on Sugar's crumpled form for a moment, before slowly zooming out to reveal a control room, where Chris sat watching the chaos unfolding on four different screens, a popcorn bucket in hand. He turned around and grinned at the audience.

"Man, what an action-packed first night it's been! Already, it looks like our resident hot people aren't going to stand much of a chance against the beautiful, independent woman that is Mother Nature. But I'd bet that's _nothing_ compared to how those pathetic _Brains_ are faring. They're totally screwed. What are they gonna do, _think_ away this thunderstorm? No, I don't _think_ so." The host burst out laughing at his joke, before turning his attention back to the monitors. "With that said, let's check in on them. Or, more specifically, see whose corpse is decomposing the fastest. Seriously, I'd be shocked if they're still alive."

Chris pressed a button on the control panel, and all the monitors switched to the Brains campsite. The host gasped at what he saw. All four screens showed four different angles of the team's shelter sitting perched in the tree, protected from the rain. One camera switched to the interior of the shelter, where the Brains were sleeping peacefully in furnished bunk beds. Chris trembled at sight.

"No… n-no… NOOOOO!" he roared. "Th-that's… h-how d-did they… **_AUGH_**!" The host grabbed at his hair in fury. "NOT AGAIN! HOW DO THOSE ADOLESCENTS KEEP BESTING ME?!"

Chef suddenly walked into the control room, wearing a bathrobe.

"Yo, man, you comin' back or what? The sauna ain't gonna sit inside of itself." He looked around the room, frowning. "For real. What are you even _doing_ in here?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm hosting the show!" Chris exclaimed, beckoning to the monitors.

"Really? 'Cuz to me, it looks like you're just watchin' a bunch of teenagers on a bunch of screens while you talk to yourself."

"Yep, that's called hosting the show. Glad you've been paying attention."

"Seriously, Chris. You just gotta relax. You're gettin' way too involved in the game again. Stop tryna control everything and just let it progress naturally."

"Oh, that's rich coming from _you,_ Hatchet," Chris scoffed, swiveling around in his chair. "I could draw a smiley face on a trash bag and you'd try to form an illegal alliance with it!"

"Okay, maybe I deserved that," Chef sighed. He walked over and placed a hand on Chris's shoulder. "Look, man. I'm not tryna get confrontational here. I know it's cuz you care about the show. You're just obsessing a little too much over the ratings, that's all. Just trust the product you got here. That's what Don does with his show."

"OH, WHAT A SURPRISE!" Chris shouted, hurtling his popcorn to the ground and standing up to face Chef. "It's always _Don_ this, and _Don_ that! If you love him so much, why don't you just go be HIS best friend?!"

Chef held up his hands defensively. "Yo, man, chill out! Why would I do that? I've never even met the guy! We ain't never even interacted!"

"Really, Chef? _Really_? You ain't _never_ interacted with Don?"

Chris narrowed his eyes at the cook, his arms crossed. Chef glanced down at the ground.

"It was one small Twitter exchange—

"THREE TIMES, CHEF! YOU REPLIED TO EACH OTHER THREE TIMES!" Chris roared, pounding his fist against the monitors.

"So? It wasn't anything!" Chef exclaimed, stepping back. "It's just the internet! I interact with tons of people on social media! It's how I escape the lonely monotony of my everyday existence! It doesn't mean I'm best friends with anyone on there!"

"You interact with _everyone_ on social media, you say?" Chris frowned and glanced down at his phone. "Hm. That's funny. Because somehow, after three years, you _still_ haven't added me on Snapchat."

"I know the kinds of pics you send, Chris! I don't wanna see that sh** when I wake up in the morning!"

"Save it, Chef! You're just like the rest of them," Chris growled, tucking his phone away. "Just like Noah, and Geoff, and Owen, and my mom… you've converted to Team Don. You can't be trusted anymore."

"Chris, that's the crazies—"

"YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED! That's just the painful truth, that we need to live with." A devilish grin suddenly appeared on Chris's face. "But guess what? I don't need your help to make this the best season of reality TV ever conceived. I don't need anyone's help! Because I _am_ reality TV! And I will NEVER DIE!"

Snatching his popcorn off the ground, Chris then stormed away, muttering to himself and laughing. Chef groaned and rolled his eyes, before heading back towards the sauna. The control room was now empty.

Neither of them had noticed the shadowy figure standing just in frame on the upper left monitor, watching silently.

* * *

 _ **The next morning...**_

 **Brawns Cave**

The camera panned across the cave, showing the Brawns in various positions on the floor. All were fast asleep; except for one person, that is.

"…I'll be honest with you. I barely got any sleep last night," Tyler said, facing the camera. The jock was standing near the cave entrance, away from his sleeping teammates. "Yesterday's performance left much to be desired. Man, that was rough." He hung his head and sighed. "I'll be the first to admit it: I haven't found my place on this team yet. I thought I'd have figured it out by now, but I haven't. And it sucks!" Tyler looked sternly back at the camera.

"The way I see it, there's only one way to win back favor with my team. And that's to become the provider. As you know, we're out in the wilderness on our own this season. This team is gonna need someone who can step up and make sure everyone's fed." He jammed a thumb into his chest. "And that someone's gonna be me!" He shrugged. "Sure, I've never hunted anything before. But I'm an athlete. And who were the earliest athletes? Cavemen, of course. So I just gotta channel my ancestral roots, and this will be a cinch, baby! The question is wheth—"

"Who the actual f**k are you _talking_ to right now?" Jo groaned, lifting her head up from the ground.

Tyler beckoned to the camera, frowning. "The audience. Just sharing my thoughts with them."

"That's not what that camera is for, you moron."

"Really? Then what _is_ it for?" Tyler asked in confusion.

"I don't know! It's just here to film us! If you want to talk to the audience, you go to the confession cam! Some of us are trying to SLEEP!"

"Wait…" Tyler turned to the cameraman. "You're _not_ here to conduct candid interviews? You're just here to film us… sleeping?"

"Yeah, pretty much," the cameraman said with a shrug.

"That's… kinda creepy, man. I thought this was Total Drama, not Paranormal Activity." Tyler shrugged. "But hey, I'm not gonna judge. You do you, man." There was a pause. "So do you enjoy being a cameraman? I've always wondered what that's like. If we're being honest, I didn't really even know what a camera _was_ until a couple months ago."

"Eh, it's a living," the cameraman said. "Pays the bills."

"I feel you on that, man," Tyler chuckled. "You have a wife back at home? Any childr—?"

"TYLER!" Jo shouted.

" _Sorry_!" Tyler whispered as he hurried out of the cave.

A low mist hung over the grass of the clearing outside, which was still damp from the storm. All was quiet in the early morning.

" _All right._ _The perfect weather for hunting_ ," Tyler whispered, eyes darting around. As he slowly crept forward, he reached down and picked up a stick.

Suddenly, there was a cough behind him. Tyler swiveled around.

"AHA! Thought you could cough without me noticing?! Big mistake! NOW YOU DIE AT MY HANDS, ANIMAL!" With a cry, the jock reared his arm back and hurled the stick forward as hard as he could. It traveled 2 feet through the air before landing softly on the ground.

Tyler stared down at the stick.

"Uh… warm-up throw," he said to himself as he bent down and picked it up. When he raised his head, he suddenly noticed the cameraman from inside the cave standing before him. "Oh, uh… hey, man. What's up? Do you need something?"

"Nope. Still just filming you," the cameraman said. "That's my job. As I already explained. That's all of our jobs. Have you never been on this show or something?"

"But… there's nobody else around," Tyler said, frowning. "I'm the only one you're filming."

"Yeah. So?"

"Wait… so you're saying… you're here to film me? Just… _me_?!" Tyler gasped. His voice began to tremble. "R-really?"

"Yep," the cameraman said. "Chris says it's always good to get a lot of footage of the first boot. It makes it easier for the editors to craft a coherent narrative, y'know?" He shrugged. "Sure beats filming a bunch of sleeping teenagers. You're totally right, man. It _is_ creepy. Especially given that I usually just end up handing the footage over to Chef. Don't know what _he_ needs it f-"

He was cut off as Tyler suddenly dropped to his knees in front of him, sobbing. The cameraman jumped back.

"Whoa! Okay then," he said, cringing. "What, did you really not know you're probably the first boot? I thought that was pretty obvious by now."

"Th-thank you… THANK YOU!" Tyler sobbed.

"Huh?"

Tyler stood up, sniffling and wiping away his tears. "Sorry, man… it's just that no cameraman on this show has _ever_ chosen to film just _me_ before. I only ever get to be in group scenes, and it's usually by accident!"

"Oh… um, I'm sorry to hear that, dude."

"Don't worry about it. It's OK now. _Because I have you_ ," Tyler whispered, tears glistening in his eyes. He leaned forward and tightly embraced the cameraman. The cameraman awkwardly patted his head.

"Uh… you're welcome."

Tyler continued to hug him, nestling his head against the cameraman's chest. After another ten seconds, the cameraman finally wriggled free, looking very uncomfortable.

"That was… something," he said, shaking his head. "Anyway, are you gonna stop breaking the fourth wall long enough so that we can get some usable footage?"

Tyler gave him a thumbs-up. "Hell yeah! Let's do this!" He pointed into the forest. " _ONWARDS TO ADVENTURE!"_

However, right as the athlete took a step forward, Brick suddenly walked up next to him.

"Hey, soldier! How's it going?"

Tyler halted in his tracks and swiveled around. "What the?! What are you doing here?"

"I heard your plan just now, back in the cave," Brick said, grinning. "And I think it's an excellent idea!"

"Awesome. Glad you like it. Any other compliments you want to pay me before you go back to sleep?"

"Sleep? On the contrary! I want to help you with your mission!" Brick exclaimed. "If we work together, I'm sure we can bring in enough food for the whole team." He shrugged. "Not to brag or anything, but I was actually known as the 'the provider' back in boot camp."

"Oh, really?" Tyler asked, rolling his eyes.

"Yep!" Brick answered enthusiastically." I had a number of other nicknames, too. But, uh… I don't like to reminisce about those. Anyways, is it cool if I join?"

"Sure. You can try to keep up with my awesomeness," Tyler said with a shrug.

"Great! So, I saw a river on the way here that might be a good place to start. Want to head there first?"

"A river?" Tyler asked, frowning and scratching his head. "Why would we go there? That's just water."

"Uh… and I think there might also be fish there," Brick said, frowning.

"Oh. Oh yeah." Tyler quickly corrected himself. "Uh, I mean, I _knew_ that! I was just testing you!" He crossed his arms and turned away. "You pass." He then glanced at Brick. "So, what are you waiting for? Lead the way, _Mr. Provider_."

"I'll do my best!" Brick declared, saluting. The cadet then swiveled around and began marching down the trail. Tyler turned to the cameraman, smirking.

"This guy, am I right? What a weirdo. ' _I'll do my best!_ ' What is this, a kid's show or something? Our teammates' lives are at stake here. He's in way over his head." Tyler suddenly realized that the cameraman was no longer next to him. He looked ahead, and saw the cameraman next to Brick, filming him instead.

Scowling, Tyler followed after them.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Tyler: I knew some competition would come along eventually. There's always gonna be some other dude who thinks he can be the provider. It's a tale as old as time. (He shakes his head in disgust.) That guy Brick thinks he can just swoop in and steal my job. He thinks he's being all subtle and coy about it too, claiming we're "working together". But he and I both know that there can be only one provider. Two people both getting food for the team? That makes no sense! It doesn't work! (He chuckles.) But I'm not worried about Brick. I'm the athlete here. What's** ** _his_** **stereotype? The "annoying guy with unibrow"? Yeah, he doesn't stand a chance. He's about to get "provided" a lesson about how a REAL alpha male operates.**

 **End of Confessionals**

It was now later in the morning, with the sun high in the sky. Brick and Tyler had both been fishing at the river for an hour.

"Wow! Look at the size of _this_ thing!" Brick exclaimed, holding a large silver trout. The cadet tossed it onto a massive pile of fish that had accumulated behind him. He then grabbed his makeshift wooden fishing pole and tossed the line into the water. Almost instantly, the line began to tug again. "Whoa! Here comes another!"

The camera panned over to Tyler, who stood ankle-deep in the water, holding a long wooden spear. The jock was focused on something right in front of him.

"This is it. You're not getting away this time, you stupid fish," he growled, tightening his grip on the spear. He raised it high above his head. "I'm done playing your games. This time, IT'S BUSINESS!"

With a roar, he thrust the weapon headfirst into the water. However, the jock missed the fish entirely and instead hit a boulder sticking out of the water, snapping the spear in half. The lower end of the weapon flew up into the air, spinning wildly, before falling back down and slamming into Tyler's head with a crack. The jock wobbled around for a moment. Then he toppled backward and landed in the water with a splash, unconscious.

* * *

Tyler's eyes slowly opened, revealing Brick standing over him.

"Thank god!" the cadet exclaimed with relief. "You're awake!"

"Ugh... what happened..." Tyler groaned, sitting up in the water.

"I don't know," Brick said, scratching his head. "I was busy catching fish, and then I noticed you laying down in the water. I thought you were doing some sort of meditation or something, but then I saw the welt on your head."

Tyler rubbed his forehead, which had a massive purple bruise. "How long have I been out?"

Brick glanced up at the sky. "Hmm... in military school, they teach us how to read the sun. I'd say about... 2 minutes?"

"Oh! That's not that bad at all."

"No. Wait. I read the sun wrong. 2 hours, actually."

"Oh my god!" Tyler jumped up and grabbed the other half of his spear, which was sitting on the riverbank. "I better get back to work! Still got a lot of providing to do."

"Actually, I think we're good for this morning," Brick said, beckoning to his pile of fish, which had doubled in size. "We should probably bring this back to our teammates and get a fire going."

Tyler turned around and did a double take at the sight.

"Wait… you _caught_ that?" he asked in shock.

Brick laughed. "Trust me, I'm as surprised as you. I never imagined that we would be able to bring in such an impressive haul, right off the bat." He shrugged. "But you know what? I don't even care about the results. We could have caught zero fish this morning, and I wouldn't have cared. I'm just happy that we both went out here and tried our best. That's the most important thing, you know?"

" _Of course it is,"_ Tyler said, his teeth gritted in a smile.

"Anyways, I really do think we should wrap it up for morning. Don't worry, we'll have plenty of other opportunities out here," Brick said, scooping up half of his pile of fish in his arms. "Can you take the other half?"

" _I'll try my best_ ," Tyler answered, quivering with anger as he walked over.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Tyler: Look, I wanted to get along with Brick. I really did. But the guy has gone too far. And thus, he's left me no choice. (He sighs.) I see what he's doing here. He's trying to usurp my place on this team. And it's working. He's slowly but surely forcing me out of the picture. It won't be long before all my teammates just start calling him "Tyler" and forget all about me! I'll be completely expendable! (He grits his teeth.) I can't let that happen. I've worked too hard for this chance. So Brick is absolutely my first target. He's got to go ASAP. I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen.**

 **(Static)**

 **Brick: Who do I feel the closest to so far? (He smiles.) Definitely Tyler. We've already developed a genuine friendship based on mutual respect.**

 **(Static)**

 **Tyler (tapping his chin): Hmm… should I laugh triumphantly in Brick's face** ** _during_** **the reading of the votes, or** ** _after_** **? Decisions, decisions.**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Brawns Cave**

Meanwhile, Duncan and Jasmine sat leaning against the cave wall.

"I still can't believe they didn't bust you for bringing a lighter again," Jasmine said, glancing at the fire crackling in front of them. "How'd you get away with that?"

"Let's just say that it was a real pain in the ass. Literally," Duncan sighed. Noticing Jasmine's look of horror, he chuckled. "I'm kidding."

"Except he isn't," Jo said, walking into the cave with an armful of firewood. "He's trying to deny it now that it didn't get a great reception. You're not fooling any of us, Richard Hatch."

Duncan turned to her, scowling. "Let's get one thing straight here. That's _not_ how I operate, got it? I would never smuggle anything that way."

Jo smirked at the delinquent. "No need to get so defensive, Duncan. You can be honest with us." She set the firewood down. "If anything, I'll respect you more. I mean, you gotta play to your strengths if you want to win. And I'm sure that became _quite_ a strength of yours in prison."

"Jo!" Jasmine snapped. "Inappropriate!"

"I just call it like I see it," Jo said, shrugging. "And I see a dude that's dropped the soap even more than he dropped in people's character rankings after season one." She pumped her fists. "BOOM! Two killer insults for the price of one! We don't even need Duncan's lighter, because I'm on fire this morning."

Duncan shook his head. "Nope. It never could have happened, anyway. I was kept in my own private cell after the first day, away from the general prison population."

Jasmine raised an eyebrow. "Really? Why?"

"Let's just say that my presence caused a bit of 'controversy' among the inmates. Once everyone saw me show up, a huge fight broke out. Half were Team Courtney, half were Team Gwen." Duncan shuddered. "It was brutal, man. Five dead, fourteen injured. Unsurprisingly, the warden decided that I was too much of a distraction after that."

"Well, that's a story I could've gone without hearing," Jo said. She looked around the cave. "Anyways, are Tweedle-dumb and Tweedle-dickwad _still_ not back yet? Seriously, how long can two dudes make out?"

"I just hope they bring back _something_ ," Jasmine sighed.

"Unless that something is their planned wedding date, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed." Jo shrugged. "Whatever. Those two being gone is the perfect time to talk some strategy."

"What strategy is there to discuss?" Jasmine asked.

"I mean, I don't plan on ever losing, but on the off chance we _do_ have to vote someone off tonight, we better have a plan in place," Jo explained, sitting down next to them. "So, we might as well figure out who we're booting first, right here and right now. I don't want any confusion when it comes time."

"Sounds good to me," Duncan said, tucking his lighter away.

The camera panned over to Eva, who lay on the cave floor a few yards away.

Her body twitched ever so slightly at their voices.

 **Confession Cam**

 **(Static)**

 **Eva: *sigh*... If I ever came out to this stupid show again, I knew I would have to majorly alter my approach. I'll be the first to admit it; I had a very obvious problem in my first season. Anyone watching could see that there was one singular character trait, one fundamental flaw in my personality so damning that it destroyed my game. That's right. We all know it. I was WAY too trusting of my teammates.**

 **End of Confessionals**

The camera zoomed in on Eva as she slowly scooted closer to them, her eyes still shut.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Eva: Sure, some people would say it was my "temper" or "psychotic personality", but I know the truth. I know EXACTLY what went down on the Killer 'Ass'. Those putrid backstabbers were planning to off me from the get-go. They just used my temper as an excuse. And it's all thanks to Bridgette. I KNOW she brought up my name first. And here I was, naively calling her a friend, while she orchestrated my demise right behind my back. (She takes a deep breath.) But not this time. This time will be different. This time** ** _I_** **will be the Bridgette.**

 **End of Confessionals**

Eva continued to move closer to her teammates until she was just a few yards away and could clearly hear their voices. She settled into place.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Eva: I conceived an ingenious plan. When I first arrived, I'd go so absolutely crazy that Chris would have no choice but to tranq me. (She chuckles.) Of course, I've been tranq'ed so many times that I'm essentially immune. Tranq darts have zero effect on me. But the** ** _others_** **wouldn't know that. And I'd use that to my strategic advantage. It would be the ultimate form of espionage. While everyone else thought I was unconscious, I'd actually be listening in on their conversations without them knowing. And once I heard someone bring up my name, I'd know exactly who to destroy. I'd strike first before they even knew what hit them. (She grins triumphantly.) That's right. You better go all-in on Team Eva this year, bitches. (She pauses for a moment, and then scowls.) What do you mean, this plan was ridiculously convoluted and unnecessary?! This plan was PERFECT! SCREW YOU!**

 **End of Confessionals**

Eva settled into place as her teammates began their strategy talk.

"First and foremost, I'm not considering either of you two," Jo said, nodding at Jasmine and Duncan. "You're both strong competitors, and we need that more than anything right now. You have my genuine respect, and I hope you feel the same way about me."

"Awww…. aren't you just the _sweetest_?"

"Shut up, Duncan. Anyways, that leaves the other half of our team. And while they each suck in their own special way, I think there's a painfully obvious choice this time around. I hate to say it, but it's time to bid farewell to our friend 'Ty-loser'." Jo paused. "Wait, I have a better one. What if I call him… ' _Not a cool guy'_ -ler?" She groaned. "UGH! That one sucks too! Damn it, he's so useless that I can't even turn his name into a good insult! He _has_ to go."

"Sounds good to me," Duncan said. "Frankly, I'm shocked we even needed to discuss this."

Jo shrugged. "Just wanted to make sure everyone's on the same page. You cool with booting Tyler, Jasmine?"

"Yeah, for the most part," Jasmine said. She sighed. "I don't know. It just sucks because of how much Tyler wants to be here. You can tell this is his dream."

Jo rolled her eyes. "Get it together, Jasmine. This is Total Drama, not Total Make-A-Wish. We _all_ want that million dollars."

"Yeah. I guess you're right," Jasmine sighed. "And it's not like anyone else deserves to go home from the team." She paused, thinking. "The only other person I'd really even consider would be… Eva, I guess? Is that her name?"

Eva's eyelid twitched ever so slightly.

"Yeah? Why's that?" Jo asked, glancing at the workout buff, who became still.

"I mean, Eva's been unconscious this entire time," Jasmine said. "We have no idea what to expect with her. But she obviously still has some serious anger issues, right? I mean, she got herself tranq'ed before any of us even arrived. What if she's even more ballistic than before? That could make her more of a liability than Tyler in the long run."

"You make a solid argument, Aussie," Jo said. "But here's the way I see it. With Eva, there's about a 1 percent chance that she's a strong challenge asset with a bit of a temper and a 99 percent chance that she's an uncontrollable raging lunatic. But that's still better than Tyler, who has a 100 percent chance of still being Tyler."

"Fair enough. I just wanted to make sure we took everything into account." Jasmine glanced down. "Tyler it is, then."

Jo placed a hand on Jasmine's shoulder.

"Look, I know it's hard to vote off Tyler. You feel bad." She sighed. "And I get it. It's like kicking a deformed puppy in the face. It just feels _excessive_ , y'know? Tyler is already going nowhere in life, and we're pretty much taking his only dream and stomping it into the ground with his friends and family watching." She paused. "That is, if he even _has_ any friends and family. He probably doesn't. Either way, it's incredibly tragic. What will he have to live for after this?"

There was a long silence, as the two sat there next to one another.

"Um… are you going to finish your statement?" Jasmine asked.

"…That's actually all I had to say," Jo said. An alarm suddenly went off. The female jock pulled out her stopwatch and glanced at it. "Welp, looks like it's time for my 15k." She stood up and nodded at her teammates. "Good talk, you guys. See ya later!"

With that, she ran out of the cave and into the forest, leaving Jasmine and Duncan alone again.

Jasmine frowned. "That was kind of a harsh, wasn't it?"

"Huh?" Duncan glanced at the survivalist. "Oh, you mean Jo? Yeah, I stopped listening about halfway through that conversation. It got boring pretty fast." He stood up. "Anyways, I'm gonna go find something to vandalize." He flipped open his pocketknife. "Wanna join?"

"Eh, I don't think I would be much help with that," Jasmine said. "That's never really been my thing."

"Are you kidding me? You'd be a huge help! Literally!" Duncan exclaimed. "You can reach way higher up on trees than I can. That'll really up my dick-carving game."

Jasmine giggled. "All right then. I guess I could join."

"You won't regret it," Duncan said with a wink.

As the two stood up and left the cave, Eva listened to their voices, still lying perfectly still. She could hear Duncan cheering in the distance.

"WOO! Time to go carve my first nine-foot dick! Let's get that world record, baby!"

"Wait, you were serious?!" came Jasmine's panicked voice in response.

Their voices drifted away as the pair entered the forest. Eva waited for a moment. Then she slowly rose up from her position within the shadows, and quietly exited the cave as well.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Jasmine: I don't know why I'm so conflicted about Tyler leaving. (She sighs.) There's just something about the bloke that reminds me of that girl from last season, Sammy. Tyler has that same insecurity… that same need for acceptance… I dunno, I guess I just relate to the underdog. (She shakes her head.) But I can't get soft now. As long as I don't go home, I can't complain. (She shrugs.) At least there's nobody who's deadest on targeting** ** _me_** **. That's a relief.**

 **(Static)**

 **Eva: I should've** ** _known_** **it would be the Australian bitch who would betray me first. She was giving me major Bridgette vibes from the start. Seriously, everything about her just screamed 'Bridgette' to me. Damn it, I should've realized it sooner! (She pounds her fist against the wall and grits her teeth.) But I don't have time for regrets. I only have time for vengeance. It's time for the next phase of Operation Eva. Jasmine, your hours are numbered.**

 **End of Confessionals**

It was later in the morning. A sweat-drenched Jo was now on her way back to the cave, blasting music from an iPod as she ran. She was in the midst of listening to a playlist of all the songs from Total Drama World Tour.

"Oh sh**, this one's a banger," the jock-ette said to herself as "I'm Gonna Make It" came on, turning up the volume. She then looked ahead, and instantly came to a halt. "What the _f**k_?!"

Eva was barreling towards her, approaching at a breakneck speed. The bodybuilder's arms pumped back and forth with every massive stride, her teeth clenched and her eyes locked in on Jo.

Jo barely had time to react as she tensed up, bracing for impact. However, right at the last second, Eva suddenly swerved to the right. She skidded across the mud of the trail and came to a halt ten yards away.

"What's up?" she called out, breathing heavily.

Jo opened her eyes and glanced over at Eva.

"Oh. Uh… hey there," she said, slowly removing her earphones and switching off the music. "I see you're not dead anymore? That's... great!"

"Nope! Woke up an hour or so ago," Eva said, walking over. She shrugged. "That must've been a _really_ strong tranq dart." She extended a hand, smiling. "I don't think we've officially met. I'm Eva. You must be one of my teammates."

"Yeah. I'm Jo."

The two politely shook hands, with Jo looking at Eva strangely the entire time. Eva caught her glance and frowned.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Sorry. I'm just a bit surprised," Jo said, scratching her head. "You're acting so… normal."

Eva laughed. "What, you thought that when I woke up I'd just start yelling and screaming and beating people up and stuff?"

"Well… yeah. That's sorta how you were advertised."

"You know most of that stuff happens in the editing room, right? That's not actually the real Eva. I'm actually a really calm, reasonable person in real life who just wants to make friends."

"Really?" Jo asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Really," Eva said, looking earnest. "Don't worry about me, honestly. Just don't double-cross me, and we should get along fine. And on my part, I'm gonna really try to control my temper this time around. It shouldn't be an issue."

"That's great to hear, Eva. Especially given the fact that I really did think you were about to murder me just now." Jo patted her on the back, before putting her earphones back in. "Now, I definitely want to hear all about your super inspiring character transformation later, but first I really need to finish my run."

"Oh, you're on a run? Would it be OK I joined you?" Eva asked. "I was actually in the middle of a jog myself."

Jo lowered the earphones again. " _That_ was your _jogging_ speed?"

"Yeah," Eva said, shrugging. "But you can totally dictate the pace. I'll go as slow as you need me to go."

Jo scowled. "Nah, you can lead. I'll keep up."

"Awesome. We'll still keep it slow, though. No need to go crazy or anything."

All of a sudden, Eva and Jo were racing down the path in a full sprint, kicking up a giant cloud of dirt behind them. The female jocks stayed side-by-side as they flew forward along the trail, neither one gaining more than a few yards before the other swiftly caught up.

Jo suddenly saw a bunny on the trail in front of her, and kicked it aside without breaking her stride. Eva, meanwhile, noticed a tree up ahead that was blocking her path. She swiftly grabbed it by the trunk, ripped it clean out of the ground, and hurled it behind her, never slowing down.

Just a few minutes later, both crashed down onto the floor of the cave, collapsed and gasping for air.

"We'll... call it... a tie," Jo groaned, catching her breath. She slowly stood up, glancing around the empty cave. "Hmm... that's weird. Nobody else is here."

A glint appeared in Eva's eyes. She stood up as well.

"Hey, could I ask you a question?"

Jo turned to her. "Yeah. Go for it." She paused. "Unless it's about how I smuggled my iPod past Chris. Because I really don't think you wanna hear about that."

"Nah, I assumed as much," Eva chuckled. She pointed to a massive 40-pound metal dumbbell sitting against the cave wall. "I had to do the same thing."

Jo's eyes widened in horror as she stared at the imposing piece of workout equipment.

"Anyways," Eva said, changing subject. "Obviously, I haven't really had a chance to learn about the team dynamics here." She sighed. "That's very disappointing to me. As a team player who loves working together with her teammates, I really like to know the team dynamics of any team I'm working with. Because teams are great."

"Uh... cool. So what do you wanna know? Aside from the fact that our team kinda sucks."

"Obviously, we have to vote someone out first. It's by far my least favorite aspect of this game, but it must be done. So if you don't mind me asking, is there someone the team had in mind?"

Jo chuckled. "Oh, I see. Eva wants to get in on some strategy." She shrugged. "I don't see the harm in telling you because it's so obvious. We're voting off Tyler first."

Eva feigned surprise. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah. But you CANNOT tell him that. He'll freak out and probably kill himself or something."

"Well, it sounds good to me," Eva said. "I'm always down to send Tyler home. The dude was a complete trainwreck on the Killer Bass. I swear, we always had to have someone escort him to the bathroom or he'd end up at the Total Drama Action film lot."

"Oh, we know _all_ about Tyler's sense of direction," Jo muttered. "Luckily, we won't have to deal with him much longer. We have the guaranteed majority now."

"Who else is in on the plan?"

"It's you, me, Duncan, and Jasmine."

"Hmm." Eva raised an eyebrow. "That's odd."

"What? What's the problem?" Jo asked.

"It's not a _problem,_ exactly..." Eva said. "It's just that I'm a bit surprised that you're working with Jasmine. I didn't expect that."

"Why is that?"

"Oh, it's nothing. It's just that, when I first woke up, Jasmine was the only person still here in the cave. We introduced ourselves, spoke for a bit... and before long, she changed the topic to strategy." Eva looked down at Jo, who had sat down to do some stretches. "And _she_ told me she wants to take _you_ out."

"What?" Jo quickly stood back up, focused on Eva again. "Really?"

"Yeah. First campfire ceremony, she wants you gone."

Jo frowned. "I don't get it. That's so weird. Why would she want to do that? That makes no sense! We even agreed to a semi-alliance, kind of!"

"Maybe she's jealous," Eva said with a shrug. "All she told me was that she's sick of you being in charge."

"Damn it. I knew it," Jo groaned. "It's the same story every time. People are always intimidated by my greatness, Eva." She shook her head. "Do you know if anyone else is looking to take me out? Or is it just Jasmine?"

"I don't know. She told me she was trying to get a group together and asked for my vote. I agreed just to get her off my back, but no way in hell am I doing that now." Eva slowly smirked. " _I_ say we turn the kangaroo's little plan on its head."

"You mean we take Jasmine out?" Jo put her hands on her hips, thinking. "It'd be a bold move. But if she's going after me, it only makes since." She thought some more. "It's tough. It's legitimately possible we'd never win another challenge without her."

"We don't need her," Eva growled. "You and I can put this team on our backs. She's overrated and expendable. And now we know she's also a snake."

Jo nodded. "You're right. If what you're saying is true, I have no choice but to go after her. Who do you think we could get on board?"

"Duncan and Jasmine seem like they're getting along too well," Eva said. "We can't count on him to vote for her. We'll need Tyler and Brick, most likely."

I see," Jo said, looking as if she was thinking something over. "Well, that should be no problem. Those two can't think for themselves. They'll go right along with it as long as I sell it to them in a package of stupidity."

Eva grinned evilly. "Perfect. It's all coming together."

"Yep. As long as we stick to the plan..."

"...Bridgette doesn't stand a chance!"

Jo stared at Eva.

"...Bridgette?" she repeated in confusion.

"Erm, uh, I mean _Jasmine_ ," Eva quickly corrected herself.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Eva: Phase 2 of Operation Eva? Another rousing success. (She crosses her arms.) SEE?! SO MUCH FOR CONVOLUTED AND UNNECESSARY!**

 **(Static)**

 **Jo: Eva just came to me with some** ** _very_** **surprising information about how** ** _Jasmine_** **of all people is targeting me. So based on this information, now I have to completely shift from my original plan of taking out Tyler. Which is just a lot more work for me, to be honest. (She smirks.) But hey, a blindside right out of the gate is always a fun. (She pauses.) As long as it's not me, of course.**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Beauty Beach**

It was early morning when Dawn and Alejandro finally arrived at the campsite. The storm had turned the beach into a wreck, with driftwood and debris strewn all around.

"Hello?" Dawn called out. "Is anyone here?"

Her voice echoed. There was no response but the howl of the wind.

"Where could they have gone?" Alejandro asked, frowning.

Dawn knelt down and placed a hand in the sand, her eyes closed. She instantly gasped.

"Oh no!"

"What? What is it?"

"Oh, it's terrible, Alejandro," Dawn cried. "I sense an overwhelming despair here. A great tragedy has befallen our teammates!"

"Oh, come on. That's a little overdramatic, even for you," Alejandro chuckled, walking down the beach towards the ocean. "I'm sure they just found somewhere else to stay for the night because of the storm. They're probably coming back right n— _OH MY GOD_!" The Latino screamed as he almost stepped on Justin's face.

The model was laying on the beach in his thong, covered in sand. His face was blue and his lips were purple, with his tongue flopping lazily out of his mouth. His eyes were rolled back into his head.

"Is he dead?!" Alejandro asked frantically, turning to Dawn.

Suddenly, a voice came from by his feet.

"How's my... skin..."

"He's still alive!" Dawn gasped. "Quick! Grab his body!"

 ** _Ten minutes later…_**

A shivering Justin now sat by the water, wrapped in a thick cocoon made out of his teammates' spare clothes. His face was still deathly pale, but his eyes had regained some semblance of consciousness. Dawn sat next to him, trying to coax him back to life.

"Justin should be back to normal in no time," Alejandro said, facing Sugar, Anne Maria, and Topher. The three Beauties were wet and ragged, with dark bags under their eyes.

"'B-back to _n-normal_ '?" Anne Maria asked, shivering. "But will he still be _Justin_?"

"I don't know what that means," Alejandro said, frowning.

"Will he still be an all-powerful god of sex?"

"Oh. Um... sure." Alejandro quickly changed the topic as Anne Maria heaved a sigh of relief. "In the meantime, I think we can all agree on what we probably need to do first, given the events of last night."

"Absolutely," Anne Maria said, nodding furiously. "First we gotta find Chris, and then we gotta jump his ass."

"No. There will be no beating up of anyone, especially the host," Alejandro said.

"Aw, c'mon! He deserves it!" Anne Maria exclaimed. "He's the one that put us through all that sh** last night! He's the one that almost MURDERED Justin!"

"That is a bit of an overstatement."

"Overstatement?! Did you not _see_ Justin? He was _seconds_ away from death!" Anne Maria gazed over at the model with concern. "What if you hadn't found him in time? He'd be gone forever!" She turned back to Alejandro. "Can you even imagine a world in which Justin doesn't exist?!"

"Yes, given that I was pretty much completely unaware of his existence 24 hours ago," Alejandro said. "Either way, it's not Chris's fault that you all did not have a shelter to protect you from the storm last night."

"Oh really?" Anne Maria snapped, her hands on her hips. "Then whose fault _was_ it?"

"Yours."

"WHAT?! _Mine_?!"

"Yes. Your fault, as well as everyone else who was here and chose _not_ to focus on the only thing that would guarantee your survival." Alejandro shook his head in disgust. "Chris even warned you explicitly that you needed a shelter. Dawn told me about the note that he gave to you guys. You all should blame yourselves for not heeding his words."

"Look man, we tried our best," Topher said. "It didn't help that you two weren't even here to help us. We were two players down! How is that fair?"

"I know. And for that, Dawn and I apologize," Alejandro sighed. He looked around at his team members. "Look, everyone. Let's just agree that we all made mistakes yesterday, Alejandro included. We let ourselves become divided, and we suffered the consequences. But today is a new day. I still believe that we can turn things around as a team, if we work together, and trust one another." He nodded confidently, smiling. "And it all starts once we have a shelter."

"And how are we gonna get that?" Anne Maria asked, crossing her arms. "How are we gonna get this magical 'shelter' you keep speaking of?"

"Um… by actually building one. I thought we established this," Alejandro said, frowning.

" _WHAT?!_ " Topher, Anne Maria, and Sugar all screamed in unison.

Alejandro stared at them.

"…Okay, I guess it wasn't established clearly enough," he said. "The only way we're going to get a shelter is by building one ourselves. Seriously, why is this such a difficult concept for you people to grasp?"

Topher shrugged. "I don't know. I've never been much of a STEM person. My passions have always centered more on the performing arts."

" _I_ don't even care about havin' some stupid shelter," Sugar said, filing her nails. "I just want more food. _That_ should be our priority, in Sugar's opinion."

"Yes, I can tell that food has been a priority for much of your life," Alejandro said, glancing at her. "But now, I am asking that you shift your priorities for the time being. For the sake of the team."

Sugar turned to her teammates. "See, I don't even know why we're listenin' to this guy. It's not like he's a wizard or anything. He ain't got any magical powers! Why should he have the authority?"

"That's a good point," Anne Maria said, nodding. "Aside from the power to bore the f**k out of us, maybe."

Alejandro pinched the bridge of his nose.

" _Que se joda esta mierda,"_ he muttered to himself.

Sugar gasped and turned back to him.

"What did you just say?!" she asked.

"Nothing," Alejandro said, quickly forcing a smile. "Just letting out a bit of my frustration. Anyways, _mis amigos, por favor_ -"

Sugar gasped again. "There it is again!" She suddenly was inches away from Alejandro's face, gazing at him in in wonder. "I can't believe it! It... it's true!"

"Huh? What's true?" Alejandro asked, slowly backing away from her.

"You really ARE a wizard!" Sugar exclaimed. She dropped to her knees in front of him. "Hallelujah! Praise the lord! We're saved!"

"Oh. Sugar, I'm flattered." Alejandro laughed uncomfortably. "But no, I am not a wizard." He shrugged. "I'm just a determined man who wants nothing but the best for his teammates. Perhaps there is magic in that."

"Then what are these strange, mystical words you keep saying?!" Sugar demanded, standing up again. "I ain't never heard them before!"

Alejandro stared at her.

"Wait, you mean my Spanish?" he asked in disbelief.

"That's what you call your wizard-speak? Cool!"

"Oh my god." Anne Maria burst out laughing. "This bitch is officially too much. She doesn't even know what a Mexican person is!"

Alejandro coughed. "I'm actually from Spain-"

Anne Maria crossed her arms. "Whatevah! To me, you're from boring-as- _f**k_ -ville, and you should _not_ have emigrated from there. So _I'm_ emigrating outta _here_."

Anne Maria started to walk away, but Sugar suddenly blocked her path.

"Where the hell do you think _you're_ going?" she demanded.

"Outta my way, you diabetic hick," Anne Maria snapped. "I'm gonna go tend to my Justin, which I _shoulda_ been doing all along."

"No you ain't! You're gonna work on the shelter! The Wizard said so!"

"He's not a goddamn wizard! You're just culturally ignorant! Now MOVE IT!"

Anne Maria pushed Sugar out of the way and tried to step forward, but the blonde grabbed her by the back of her bikini and pulled her back.

"You aint goin' nowhere!" Sugar growled. "Don't make the Wizard cast one of his spells on you! Cuz he will!"

"I'd like to see him try. Now let GO!" Anne Maria shouted, kicking Sugar in the shin.

Sugar took a deep breath. Then, she cried out at the top of her lungs.

"ABRA KADABRA!"

Anne Maria stared at her, before bursting out laughing again. "Seriously? Did you really just try to-" She was cut off as Sugar's fist slammed into her face.

"My spell worked!" Sugar exclaimed, before Anne Maria tackled her.

The two rolled around on the ground, kicking up a massive cloud of sand as they scratched and swatted at each other. Anne Maria wrapped her legs around Sugar's torso and her arms around her neck, putting her in a chokehold.

"Where's your stupid magic now?!" the Jersey girl cackled.

"W-wizard!" Sugar gasped, clawing for air. "S-SAVE ME!"

Alejandro had backed thirty yards away from the altercation, trying to avoid any eye contact.

"WIZARD! WIZARD! WIZAAAAAAARD!" Sugar continued to scream.

Alejandro sighed, then began reluctantly running towards the fight. "Okay, girls! That's quite enough! I'm coming over to peacefully break this up!"

Sugar, meanwhile, felt a strange sensation. She glanced down, and noticed that Dawn's bikini top was beginning to shake.

"Uh oh," she said to herself. "This baby's about had it. DUCK AND COVER!"

Suddenly, the strap on the back of the top broke. Like a bullet released from its chamber, the bikini top exploded off of Sugar's body at a lightning speed.

Alejandro was still running toward the fight when the flying swimsuit smashed into his face, sending him hurtling backwards. The Latino screamed as he soared through the air, until he slammed into a tree with a thud. He then slowly slid down the trunk, his groans muffled by the bikini now plastered to his face.

Meanwhile, Anne Maria screeched in horror as she noticed Sugar was now topless, and quickly let go of her. Sugar stood up, brushing the sand off of her body. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Alejandro's crumpled form in the distance.

"I told you to duck and cover!" she called out to him.

Shaking her head, Sugar walked over to the Spaniard and peeled the bikini off of his face. She then turned around and strode back down the beach toward the water, where Dawn was still cradling Justin. Sugar handed the destroyed bikini top to her.

"I think this belongs to you," she said. "Oh wait..." She reached down and slid off her bikini bottom as well, before handing that over. "Here's the other half. Thanks for letting me borrow it!"

Dawn stared down at the swimsuit in her hands, and then back up at the pageant queen's naked body as she turned around and walked away.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Dawn: I believe in the beauty of everyone's aura. (She pauses.) But that was more of Sugar's aura than I ever wished to experience. (She shudders.)**

 **(Static)**

 **Alejandro (now with a large red mark on his face): I thought for sure that my first target would be Dawn. But then I was swiftly and painfully reminded what team I was on. (He groans.) How do I even** ** _choose_** **which one of these braindead heathens to put of their misery?!**

 **End of Confessionals**

After 30 minutes of painstaking effort, Alejandro had somehow managed to get everyone organized and Sugar into a new bathing suit, and the Beauties were now all working on the shelter. The Latino walked among his teammates, surveying their progress. After breaking up another catfight, he approached Dawn, who had her ear pressed to a hunk of driftwood, whispering to it. She glanced up as he came to a stop in front of her.

"Hello, Alejandro!" she greeted him, smiling. "Don't mind me. I'm just making sure our friend genuinely wants to be a part of our shelter."

"Wait… you mean the driftwood?" Alejandro asked in disbelief. "It's not alive, Dawn."

"Everything's alive!" Dawn countered, crossing her arms. "And all living things should have rights, no?"

"Uh… I guess."

"Exactly! Yes, this being may be made of wood. But he is just as 'human' as we are, and we should treat him as such."

"Okay… I was almost buying into it until you said that," Alejandro said, shaking his head. "Sorry, but I'm personally of the mindset that you and I are more human than a literal hunk of driftwood."

"We can agree to disagree." Dawn listened to the driftwood some more, before gasping. "Oh my gosh! Wonderful news! Edward says he is thrilled at the prospect of joining our shelter!"

"That's… wonderful. Anyways, I— ** _GAH_**!"

Anne Maria had suddenly popped up between them, making Alejandro jump backwards in shock.

" _Have you guys been let in on the plan yet?"_ she whispered.

"I don't know. Was the plan to give me a heart attack?" Alejandro asked. "Because you succeeded. _Por favor_ , please approach less quietly next time! Where did you even _come_ from?"

"Sorry. Justin just said I gotta be extra stealthy about all this. So I take it you two _haven't_ heard the plan yet?"

"No, we have not," said Dawn. "But we are thrilled that you have chosen to include us! Please continue!"

Anne Maria slowly glanced left and right, making sure nobody was nearby. Then she leaned close to them and whispered one word.

" _Sugar._ " The Jersey girl let them process this for a moment. Then she leaned back, grinning. "Great plan, right?"

Alejandro stared at her. "Um… all you said was her name. What are we supposed to take from that?"

" _What do you think? We're sendin' that bitch packing the first chance we get!_ " Anne Maria whispered. " _And we've already got 3 votes locked in- me, Justin, and Topher. We just need one of you to join us and we can pull off the blindside._ "

"Oh," Dawn said. She frowned. "…I don't know what to say."

"You say 'yes', obviously! It really ain't that hard!" Anne Maria snapped. "You should be totally on board with this. She stole your swimsuit, Dawn. And then she used her morbidly obese body to slingshot it into your face, Al. What about you, Al? You in?" She turned to the Latino, who was looking at her strangely. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Alejandro said. "I'm just really surprised to find that you all are capable of strategizing. I thought that was beyond your level of reasoning. Fascinating to learn otherwise."

"Huh?"

"Erm, I mean… that sounds like a great plan you've come up with. I'm quite impressed, Anne Maria." Alejandro placed a hand on his chest. "Consider me an emphatic vote for Sugar. That should give you the majority, no?"

"Hell yeah it does! Looks like we're good to go, then." Anne Maria grinned. "This is gonna be the best blindside ever. I can't _wait_ to rub it in Sugar's face." She turned around and cupped her hands to her mouth. "HEY SUGAR! YOU'RE—" She was cut off as Alejandro quickly placed a hand over her mouth.

"…It's not really a 'blindside' if you do that," he said.

"…Oh yeah," Anne Maria chuckled as he removed his hand. "Anyways, I can't wait to tell Justin at least. He might finally look at me for longer than two seconds without dry-heaving!"

With that, she sprinted off. Alejandro turned to Dawn, smirking.

"It appears the game is afoot at the Beauty Beach. So, what do you think? Should we actually go with the others on this plan to vote for Sugar? Or should we devise another plan of our own?"

Dawn shrugged. "Oh, it doesn't really matter to me. I personally don't believe in voting."

"Hmmm that's a possibility too, I never consid— _QUÉ_?!" Alejandro looked at Dawn in shock. "Did I just hear you correctly? You… you don't believe in _voting_?"

"Yes, it goes against my beliefs. I consider the whole construct unethical."

" _Unethical?_ "

"I know it sounds crazy," Dawn said. "But I've been conducting some research on this show lately. It has been extensively documented that getting voted off, _especially_ first, can have a profoundly traumatic impact on a person's psyche and physical health, to the point that it should be considered a violation of their most basic rights. And you've seen it firsthand. Just look at what it did to Ezekiel."

"Okay… but how much of that was a result of getting voted off versus a result of him being raised by freaky Amish people in the middle of nowhere and then getting thrust into a game show centered around socialization?"

"Either way, the last thing Ezekiel needed was people literally telling him that they didn't want him around. He needed acceptance, not rejection."

"Fine… I guess I can _vaguely_ understand your logic," Alejandro said, shaking his head. "But surely that logic does not apply to Sugar, right? You cannot possibly feel any qualms about voting _her_ out."

"Oh, Sugar isn't so bad," Dawn said, smiling. "Deep down, I can tell she has a good heart."

"I hate to break it you, but your aura-meter is officially broken."

"I mean it! Sure, she's a little rough around the edges. But I don't blame Sugar for that. I would probably be the same way if I too watched my godfather get run over by a tractor when _I_ was five."

Alejandro crossed his arms. "So then what do you plan to do? Just not vote? You can't do that. You have to vote for someone or you get disqualified."

"Oh, I will cast a vote when it comes time," Dawn said. "But I prefer not to discuss it extensively. Or discuss it at all, really. I'll probably just choose at random, so as to avoid any hurt feelings."

"I'll keep that in mind," Alejandro said, his eyes flashing. He then turned and started to walk away.

"Wait!" Dawn called after him. "Before you go, what should I do next on the shelter?"

"I know what _I_ need to do," Alejandro muttered as he continued to walk.

"Um… OK! That's not really an answer! But OK!" Dawn shrugged, before grabbing another hunk of driftwood.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Alejandro: After witnessing my team's utter incompetence on all levels, I was ready to give Dawn another chance. I was even willing to work with her strategically. She had the makings of a very valuable pawn. (He throws his hands up.) But how am I supposed to control her vote when she doesn't even believe in voting?! There's nothing for me to work with there! And that is simply unacceptable. Anything that I can't control has no business being a part of this game. So I have to find a way to flip the target back to Dawn. (He taps his chin.) From I've gathered, Justin seems to be calling the shots right now, for God knows what reason. As long as I convince him, Anne Maria and Topher will surely follow.**

 **End of Confessionals**

Alejandro slowly approached Justin, who had emerged from his cocoon and was now surprisingly working on the base of the shelter. The hunk was kneeling in the sand and hammering away at one of the support beams. However, as Alejandro crouched next to him, he realized that Justin was holding the hammer the wrong way, gripping it by its head and repeatedly smashing its handle against the wood, causing only a hollow tapping sound.

"So, Justin…" Alejandro began, gently removing the hammer from the model's hand. "How are you doing? Recovered from last night yet?"

"Yep," Justin said, turning to him and grinning. "I'm back to my normal gorgeous self now. I mean, I'm still going to quit this show the first chance I get because f**k this show, but that's beside the point."

Alejandro gasped. "Quit? No! You can't quit, Justin! You are the heart and soul of this team! Without you, we would certainly fall apart."

"Yeah… that's nice and all, but this show just isn't for me," Justin sighed. "Besides, I'm starting to think that using Total Drama as a springboard to promote my thong brand isn't going to yield great results anyway."

"Don't say that, _amigo_! You don't know that!"

"Yes I do. This won't work out for me, Al. Cartoon Network viewers are a terrible demographic to work with as it is. In my experience, trying to sell thongs to children only leads to extensive federal investigations. And any grown adults who still watch Cartoon Network _definitely_ should not be seen wearing my product."

"But you could still win the grand prize, couldn't you?" Alejandro pointed out. "That would be huge for your company."

"How the hell can I expect to _win_?"

Alejandro placed a hand on Justin's shoulder. "Look, I know you're disheartened after last night. What you went through… I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I promise you, life will become a lot easier once we have a shelter." He paused. "That, and once we exorcise the insidious force of evil that is currently infecting this team."

Justin turned to him, frowning. "Evil?"

"Let me speak to you plainly, Justin. There is someone on this team who is not who they claim to be," Alejandro said, narrowing his eyes. "That person... is Dawn. On the outside, Dawn acts like an innocent little girl; but deep down, she is a being of immense, unfathomable hatred. She is as close to a sociopath as they come."

"How… how do you know?" Justin asked, his eyes wide.

"Why do you think Dawn and I didn't arrive until this morning?" Alejandro asked. "It's not because the journey took that long. No, it's all because of Dawn. When the storm first hit, I wanted to hurry back to make sure that you all were OK. But Dawn _insisted_ that we stop for the night. I didn't even have a chance to argue. Suspicious, isn't it?" His eyes narrowed even further. "I have a theory. I believe that Dawn, through the use of her aura-reading abilities, could sense from afar that you all had yet to build a shelter. She was furious that you had disobeyed her. So she decided to punish you all by leaving you to fend for yourselves."

"Whoa," Justin gasped. He then frowned. "That… doesn't really sound all that plausible."

Alejandro sighed. "I know. And trust me, it pains me to make an accusation like this against her. But that's not all, Justin. Keep in mind that we don't actually know the extent of Dawn's powers. They could extend far beyond our realm of understanding. But at the very least, we know that she has a deep connection with nature, don't we? We've seen that she can communicate extensively with it. And that most likely means that she can control it." Alejandro's eyes lit up. "What if Dawn can also control the weather? And what if _she_ was the one who caused the storm?"

Justin stared at him in shock. "You… actually think she can do that?"

"I think there's about a 97 percent chance, given the evidence," Alejandro said. He looked sternly at Justin. "Either way, Dawn is far too dangerous to keep around. Who knows how she may use her powers next? The world may be at risk, for all we know."

"Oh my God. You're right," Justin gasped. "So what do we do?!"

"We do the only thing that we can do. We bring her to justice," Alejandro said, pounding his fist into his hand. "We must vote her off, before she can strike again."

Justin paused. "But wait… wouldn't voting Dawn off just make her pissed off at us? Wouldn't it pretty much ensure that she strikes again?"

Alejandro was silent for a moment.

"Um… quite the contrary, Justin. You see… once Dawn is voted off, her powers will stop working."

"Why is that?"

"Because… uh… there is nothing stronger… than the power of democracy?"

"Ohhhh. That makes sense."

"Uh huh. So voting Dawn off is the only way we can stop her. With that said…" Alejandro extended his hand for a fist-bump. "Are you in?"

"Definitely," Justin answered, nodding eagerly. "Dawn has got to go!"

Alejandro turned and smirked at the camera as they fist-bumped.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Alejandro: Wow. That was by far the most illogical pitch for voting someone off I've ever given, and it** ** _still_** **worked. Justin** ** _actually_** **bought in to the idea that Dawn is some weird, pseudo-"X-men"-inspired villain. (He laughs.) My God, that should have never worked. Maybe I'll enjoy this team more than I thought.**

 **(Static)**

 **Justin: I can tell Alejandro thinks I'm a complete moron. But that's exactly what I want. I'll keep playing along, acting like I'm not a strategic threat of the highest caliber. But Alejandro doesn't realize that my intellect is perhaps my greatest strength. Alejandro doesn't realize that I listen to podcasts. Alejandro doesn't realize that I had an unprecedented GPA of 3.1 in middle school if you don't include math classes. (He smirks.) So I'll go along with his plan for now. But when I feel like it's time to make my move? He won't know what hit him.**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Brains Camp**

Courtney sat on a log next to the embers of the previous night's fire, carving something out of wood. It was mid-morning now, and none of her teammates were up. The brunette scowled up at the shelter and shook her head.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Courtney: Everyone on this team is already getting way too comfortable. They think that just because Alejandro randomly decided to build a world-class shelter for them, the rest of surviving will be just as easy. But as a C.I.T.,** ** _I_** **happen to know better. If people don't get up off their asses and start helping out around camp, we won't last a week out here. So I** ** _have_** **to take charge. (She shrugs.) Of course, when you take over as leader, you always run the risk of rubbing your teammates the wrong way. But I know how to carefully tiptoe that line. I don't think it'll be an issue.**

 **End of Confessionals**

The camera panned across the interior of the tree house as morning light streamed through the windows. Suddenly, Courtney's amplified voice echoed throughout the shelter, jolting everyone awake.

"ATTENTION, BRAINS… THIS IS COURTNEY WITH YOUR 10 AM WAKE-UP CALL. MEET ME DOWN HERE IN FIVE MINUTES. THANK YOU!"

Groaning, everyone slowly sat up in their beds. Heather suddenly climbed down from her top bunk.

"Hold on, people," she announced as she stormed over to the window. She leaned her head out and glared down at Courtney. "Yeah?! And what are you gonna do if we don't?"

Courtney held up a large wooden funnel.

"I'll just keep talking to you guys through this," she answered, smirking.

"Wait… is that a megaphone?" Heather asked in disbelief. "Do you seriously have a _megaphone_ right now?"

"Yep. I carved it while you all were busy sleeping."

Heather turned to the camera. "There you have it, folks. Even out in the wild, Courtney still has no trouble finding resourceful ways to be a colossal bitch."

"Might as well call her Bitch Grylls."

"Overdoing the joke, Noah," Heather said as she walked over to the tree house's exit. She then began climbing down the rope ladder. A smirking Courtney was there to greet her once she reached the bottom.

"Wow. First one down," she noted. "You must _really_ like following my orders."

Heather flipped her off in response, before sitting down on a tree stump with her arms crossed. Harold descended the rope ladder next.

"Whoa! That's a totally sweet megaphone you got there!" the nerd exclaimed as he dropped to the ground. "Can you, like, make one for me?"

"Harold, nobody wants to hear you talk normally, let alone at an amplified volume," Courtney said plainly.

"Huh?"

"Uh, I mean, of course! I'll try to get around to that."

Harold fist pumped. " _Sweet_! Then I can finally practice my Optimus Prime impression with the proper SFX aiding my skills!"

As he walked away, Courtney shook her head.

"Well, that's _one_ way to ensure he never touches the megaphone." She then glanced up at the shelter. "Okay, who's nex—"

"AHHHHHH!"

Courtney was cut off as Cameron suddenly crash-landed on top of her, slamming into her head and knocking her to the ground. The two lay on the ground together, groaning. Cameron slowly got up, brushing off his sweater.

"Ow…" The bubble boy put his glasses back on, and forced a grin. "Sorry about that. I sort of forgot that our shelter was up in a tree. Walked straight off the balcony. Heh heh. My mistake!"

Courtney groaned in response, still lying face down in the grass.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Cameron (cringing): I get the sense that Courtney may not** ** _totally_** **like me. And by that, I mean she totally hates me. (He shrugs.) I get it. I've been a little out of my element up to this point. And I'm sure almost making her paraplegic didn't help. (He pounds his fist into his hand.) But that doesn't mean I can't still turn it around! I've done it before and I can do it again. I can still show Courtney I'm valuable! I'll show the whole** ** _team_** **I'm valuable! And I'll make Mike and Zoey proud! YES! TEAM CAMERON FOR THE WIN! (He confidently stands up, turns to the exit, and throws open the door. There is a loud thud from outside.)**

 **Courtney: OW! (The C.I.T. stumbles out from behind the door, clutching her forehead. Cameron screams and covers his mouth.)**

 **Cameron: Oh my god, Courtney! Are you okay?!**

 **Courtney: Why did you slam the door open like that?! I was right outside! (She feels her forehead.) Oh God, I think I'm bleeding!**

 **Cameron: Oh geez oh geez oh geez—**

 **(Static)**

 **Cameron: Okay, maybe not my best start. (He pauses.) However, that being said... did you see how easily I slammed open that door? That was pretty badass of me. Maybe Courtney will recognize that after her concussion symptoms have cleared! (He grins.) See? I'm already turning things around. This is a new Cameron, baby! (He stands up and slams open the door again. There is another thud.)**

 **Courtney:** ** _AUGH_** **! *********************!**

 **Cameron: OH GOD, COURTNEY!**

 **Courtney: I WAS STILL STANDING THERE WHEN YOU WENT BACK IN! WHY WOULD THINK I'D HAVE MOVED?!**

 **Cameron: I DON'T KNOW! (He bursts into tears.)**

 **End of Confessionals**

Courtney now stood with a bandage around her head. The rest of the Brains were sitting on stumps, with Cameron guiltily twiddling his thumbs in the back.

"Look, guys," Courtney said. "I didn't want to wake you all up like this, but you really left me no choice."

"Yep. No choice except for the completely unreasonable option to wake us up like a normal human being," Heather said.

"Okay… maaaaaybe I could've done without the megaphone," Courtney admitted. "But I had to send a message, people! We can't just sit back and rest on our laurels right now. Chris is wrong about most things, but he _was_ right when he said that we all have a tendency to get way too cocky."

"I mean, things have gone pretty well thus far," Cameron said, shrugging. "I don't think there's any harm in being confident."

"And exactly how much of that was because of you, Cameron?" Courtney asked, turning to him.

"I… I think I contributed," Cameron murmured, glancing down at the ground.

"Then you are mistaken," Courtney said. "You've contributed absolutely nothing whatsoever to anything or anyone. When it comes to contribution, you are an empty, pitiful void. Looking over the past day, I would say that your biggest 'contribution' thus far has been revealing to us just how little one person can possibly contribute and still be considered sentient." Cameron hung his head in shame as Courtney turned back to the others. "But frankly, we _all_ were useless yesterday. We'd all be dead right now if Alejandro hadn't swooped in out of nowhere and saved our sorry asses. We can't forget that."

"Where are you going with all of this?" Heather groaned. "Get to the point!"

"What I'm saying is that we can't keep acting like we're still at a summer camp, you guys! Do you guys not see that we're on our own this season? We are in the middle of untamed wilderness. We don't have Chris and Chef here to look after us and change our diapers anymore."

"Oh, don't worry about that. I can change anyone's diaper with ease! You're looking at a man who received the gold diaper-changing badge as a Squirrel Scout, because of his perfectly-honed technique. Really, it's all in the wrist action—"

"FIGURE OF SPEECH, HAROLD!"

"I'm confused. Were Chris and Chef looking after us before?" Cameron asked, frowning. "I actually think being out here away from them improves our overall quality of life, all things considered."

"Weren't you busy being ashamed of yourself?" Courtney snapped. "Look, all I'm saying is that surviving out here is going to be hard work. We're going to need all hands on deck. We can't just spend all day sleeping! Is that really too much to ask?"

"I can accept the premise of your argument," Scarlett said. "So what do you propose we do first, Courtney?"

"Thank you for asking, Scarlett. I think it's obvious; first and foremost, we need sustenance. So I want everyone to go out and search the forest for anything that's edible."

"Hold on… this whole speech was building up to _that_?" Heather asked in disbelief. "That we should look for food? Wow. I had _no idea_. Thank you for enlightening us, Courtney."

"Blow me."

"I actually think it's an excellent point, Courtney," Scarlett said. She tapped her chin. "Food _is_ important, now that you mention it. I personally would not have known. Thank you."

"You're very welcome, Scarlett. That's what I'm here for," Courtney said, smiling. She turned to the others. "Now, we want to cover the most ground possible, so I think we should split up. Obviously, we don't want anyone getting lost, so why don't we form pairs?"

The words had barely left her mouth before everyone began to shuffle around. Harold grabbed Noah's arm and pulled him to the left, while Cameron and Scarlett walked over and high-fived each other on the right. This left Courtney standing next to Heather in the middle. The two frantically looked around, trying to find a partner. They then turned back around, saw the other, and groaned in unison.

"Looks like we have our pairs," Harold said. He beamed. "Wow, that was so easy! It's like we all just knew exactly who we wanted to be with!"

"I don't remember wanting to be with you," Noah said.

"Would you prefer to be with either of the fair maidens in the middle?" Harold asked, beckoning to Heather and Courtney.

"And all of a sudden, I remember wanting to be with you," Noah said.

With that, the two geeks began walking away.

"W-wait! Get back here!" Courtney shouted after them. "I… I change my mind! Let's all just go as one big team! Pairs was a terrible idea!"

But it was too late; Noah and Harold were gone. Courtney swiveled back around and saw that Cameron and Scarlett had left the campsite as well. Only she and Heather remained.

The two stood in silence for a while. Finally, Heather spoke.

"…Well, that plan backfired on you quicker than usual."

"I don't get it," Courtney groaned. "Why did nobody want to be my partner? I have years of foraging experience!"

"I would answer that question, but I refuse to believe that you have that little self-awareness," Heather said.

Courtney turned to her, scowling. "Oh, don't act all smug. It's not like anyone was jumping at the opportunity to pair up with _you_ , either."

"I know. But unlike you, I can accept the reality of this situation," Heather said with a shrug. "I'm used to it."

"What? What's the situation?" Courtney asked, crossing her arms.

"We're on the bottom," Heather said plainly.

"What?! Speak for yourself! I am _not_ on the bottom. That's ridiculous!"

"Jesus, I don't know why that's so insanely hard for you to wrap your puny head around." Heather crossed her arms. "It's just the way it's gonna be for us. We're major threats, and we aren't exactly the most 'soft-spoken' or 'friendly'. We're both easy boots on this team. It's just a fact."

Courtney sighed. "I guess that's kind of true..."

"Yes, it is. And if we're being honest, the only reason we're really targeting each other is because, deep down, we're aware of this," Heather said. "I know that the only way for it not to be me going home is if it's you. And you know that the only way it won't be you is if it's me."

Both were silent for a moment.

"...Well, what if we worked together?" Courtney asked. "What if we realized that because we're both on the bottom, the only way we can succeed on this team is if we put aside our personal differences and team up?"

They were silent some more. Then they both erupted into laughter.

"Man, Courtney... you actually sometimes have a good sense of humor," Heather said, wiping a tear away from her eye.

"I think it's important to keep it lighthearted, even at a time like this," Courtney said, still chuckling. "Anyways, we should probably be plotting each other's demise by now."

"Yeah, let's do that."

The two then sprinted off in opposite directions.

* * *

 **Forest**

Noah and Harold were standing on opposite sides of a berry bush. Noah held up one of the berries and examined it.

"Are you sure these are edible?" he asked, frowning.

"Noah, it is time that I confess my heart to you," Harold said, looking up at him.

"…Or you can answer the question I just asked."

"That can wait. This is far more urgent." Harold placed his basket of berries on the ground and looked sternly back at Noah. "I must have your sacred vow that this intimate conversation remains strictly confidential."

"Why would I willingly tell anyone that I had an intimate conversation with you?" Noah asked.

"Because, Noah, the information that you are about to receive is incredibly valuable. Consider it my gift to you, for being such a close friend. With that, I shall begin." Harold glanced around, making sure the coast was clear. Then he turned back to Noah.

"As I mentioned earlier, I've developed feelings for one of the beautiful ladies here on this island. She has remained a mystery up to this point. You are about to find out her identity. Are you ready?"

"It's Jasmine."

"Okay, here we go. She—WHAT?!" Harold jumped back in shock. "How?! What voodoo spell did you cast to discover my deepest secret with such ease?"

"Dude, you started hyperventilating and murmuring to yourself in Japanese the moment she arrived," Noah said. "I was standing right next to you."

"Well, can you blame me?" Harold asked, throwing up his hands. "In the wake of my dearest Leshawna, I thought I would never love again. But Jasmine… she's everything I've ever dreamed of! She's tall, independent, confident, sexy, passionate… she's like Leshawna on _steroids_! Not to mention the fact that she's from Australia, which is super close to Japan. Plus, can you imagine how many awesome cosplays she could pull off with her stature?" He sighed dreamily. "I can't believe a woman like her is still single. What luck."

"Hold on. Jasmine definitely isn't single, Harold," Noah said.

Harold laughed. "What are you talking about? Of course she is."

"Um no, she definitely she isn't," Noah said. "Do you not realize that she's dating Shawn? I don't watch this show, and even _I_ know that. I don't even know who Shawn _is_ , and I still know that she's dating him."

"Oh, _that_. Yes, I'm well aware that Jasmine is _technically_ 'taken'," Harold muttered. He then laughed. "But Shawn? I'm not worried about that guy. I watched his season. He's no competition. I mean, just look at his glutes, Noah. They're nothing compared to mine." Noah stared at him from across the bush. Harold quickly backtracked. "Uh… that's not to say that I've been looking at his butt, or anything. Because I haven't!" There was a long, awkward silence. Harold threw his hands up. "Fine! I'll admit it! I'm not ashamed. It's completely normal for a male to size up his genetic competition. And Shawn poses absolutely zero threat to me on an evolutionary scale. While _his_ buttcheeks are a pair of deflated, lifeless mattresses, _mine_ are—"

"Please don't finish that metaphor," Noah said.

"Very well. You get the idea. But that's not even my biggest grievance with Shawn. Have you seen the way he treats Jasmine? It's simply shameful. He was willing to cut her loose last season, just so he could have the million all to himself!" Harold shook his head. "Jasmine deserves a gentleman. A man who recognizes her true worth, a man who will do anything and everything for her with the expectation of nothing in return. A man like me."

"So what you're saying is that she needs a nice guy."

"EXACTLY! Wow, you summed it up perfectly. A 'nice guy'. That's exactly what I am!"

"You sure are, Harold. You sure are. Now, if you don't mind me asking, why the hell are you telling _me_ all of this? Why not somebody who actually cares?"

"Because I need your specific advice, Noah," Harold sighed. "I am at a crossroads. Do I actually go for it? Do I actually try and break up one of Total Drama's most universally beloved couples? There will be great repercussions, Noah. With one pull of the trigger, I will be launching the next great Total Drama love triangle. Things will never be the same. And I'll be forever known as the new Gwen. The new boyfriend kisser. Am I ready to shoulder that burden just for love?"

"Why do you think would _I_ be able to answer that?" Noah asked.

"Oh, don't be so modest, Noah," Harold chuckled. "This question is right up your alley. I know you have incredible intuition when it comes to women and relationships."

"Umm… where exactly are you getting that one?"

"Your relationship with Emma, of course. When I first saw you two together, I thought there _had_ to be a mistake. How could this goddess have agreed to be your girlfriend, when she is so far out of your league? I've run every calculation possible, and it still makes absolutely no sense; it is a scientific anomaly. All signs point to her leaving you for a better man, but she doesn't. You must know some incredibly valuable secrets about how the female brain works."

"Wow, that's so nice of you to say," Noah said, scowling.

Harold grinned. "No problem! So I need your expert opinion: do I go ahead and make a move on Jasmine? Or do I back off?"

Noah paused for a moment. Then he slowly smiled.

"You should absolutely go for it."

 **Confession Cam**

 **Noah: Was it irresponsible of me to say that? (He shrugs.) Maybe. But I need entertainment too, people. And if nothing else, this will be very entertaining. (He glances at the camera.) Sorry in advance, Jasmine.**

 **(Static)**

 **Harold: All right. I have Noah's blessing. Now it's time to win the girl! (He takes out a notepad and glances over it.) Obviously, I haven't had to spit any game in a while. Not since my courtship of Leshawna many moons ago. Sure, there's been some playful mutual flirting with most of the other girls, but nothing of this magnitude. (He shrugs.) But I'm sure I've still got it. One doesn't just lose his ability to successfully seduce women. (He glances down at his notepad again.) Do you think Jasmine understands Japanese? Or Star Trek references?**

 **End of Confessionals**

"How does this one sound?" Harold asked Noah, who continued to gather berries. The nerd cleared his throat and began reading off of his notepad. "Jasmine- if If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life. Also, I like your boobs. Will you be my girlfriend?"

"It sounds to me like you've got this one in the bag," Noah said.

"I like my prospects as well," Harold said with a grin. "But we must remain humble. Nothing is assured yet." He glanced down at his notepad. "Do you think I should mention the amount of karma I have on Reddit?"

"Dude, it'd be just plain cheating at that point. At least give Shawn a _chance_."

"You're right. There's no honor in that victory," Harold sighed. He read over his notepad once more. "Anyways, I think I have a general plan for my course of action. So, when should we first approach Jasmine?"

"Might as well do it at the first challenge. No point in making her wait, y'know?" Noah then paused for a moment, before frowning. "Wait… what do you mean, 'we'?"

"The both of us. Me, and you as my wingman."

"Ah, yes. The thing that will not be happening."

"Aw, c'mon Noah! I need you to back me up!" Harold exclaimed. He crossed his arms. "You know I would have gladly served as _your_ wingman with Emma."

"And that would have singlehandedly assured that Emma never spoke to me again."

"That may be true. I _have_ had a tendency to accidentally steal other guys' girls while serving as their wingman," Harold said, cringing.

"Then you should be just fine on your own," Noah concluded, patting Harold on the back.

Harold clasped his hands together. "Pleeeeaaase? I'm begging you! I promise that you will be at no risk of embarrassment in any way. I swear. I just need you to laugh when I say something funny. And also start memorizing your part for the interpretive dance."

"The _what_?"

Suddenly, an approaching voice called out to them.

" _There_ you guys are!" Heather exclaimed, walking towards them with her own berry basket, which was empty. "I've been looking _everywhere_ for you two!"

Harold bowed as she approached. "Greetings, Heather-chan!"

Heather came to a stop in front of them.

"First, don't ever call me that again," she said to Harold. Her scowl then turned to a smile. "Second, I have some _wonderful_ news to share."

"Hmm… Heather randomly pulling aside two people in private… yeah, I have no idea where this is going," Noah said. "And aren't you supposed to be with Courtney right now?"

Heather ignored him. "If you don't mind me asking, what were two talking about? It looked like a pretty intense conversation."

"…You could say that," Harold said, nodding. "In many ways, it was."

"Harold's certainly got an intense boner f—" Noah was cut off as Harold kicked him in the shin.

Heather smirked.

"Hmm… so you boys want to keep your little secret?" she asked. "That's fine. I _do_ hope that you'll eventually trust me enough to include me in these things, though. After all, trust between the three of us will be very important from here on out." She paused. "That is, if you agree to my small proposition."

"Annnnnd here we go," Noah sighed.

"You see, I have a plan to get me and two other people into the final three, and I chose you guys. You should know that this is a _very_ big deal. I am placing my trust in you guys; and _trust_ is a two-way _street_."

"Wow. The exact same pitch you gave to Lindsay and Beth in season one. Like, literally word-for-word. I'm impressed. And also slightly insulted."

"Do you think I had time for originality?" Heather snapped at Noah. "It's the offer itself that matters! And I'm offering you safety until the final three. You don't turn that down unless you're insane."

"More like I'd have to be insane to _accept_ that deal. Who would be naïve enough to—"

Noah was cut off as Harold suddenly dropped to the ground, bowing at Heather's feet.

"Heather, I would consider it the highest honor to join you in any strategic formation. Consider my allegiance yours henceforth."

"Dude, seriously?" Noah groaned.

Heather smiled down at the ginger nerd. " _Wonderful_ , Harold! You've made an incredibly wise decision." She turned and smirked at Noah. "That's one 'yes' already. Now are you done being edgy and ready to actually do what's best for your game?"

"No."

"Wow, you're so cool, saying 'no' like that." Heather rolled her eyes. "When are you going to stop playing to the audience with your pointlessly contrarian bullsh**, Noah? You're only refusing my offer because you know your little legion of 14-year-old fanboys hate me."

"No, I'm refusing your offer because _I_ hate you," Noah said.

"You don't hate me, Noah. And even if you do, you can't let personal feelings affect how you choose your alliances." Heather pointed at Harold. "Case in point. I just formed an alliance with _Harold_."

"Yeah, Noah!" Harold exclaimed. He paused. "Wait…"

"It's still not happening," Noah said. "First, there's the fact that you're you. Second, we also have to factor your boyfriend into this equation."

Heather glanced away. "What boyfriend? I don't have a boyfriend."

"Um… Alejandro? I'm fairly certain he's your boyfriend."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess. Whatever. What does _he_ have to do with any of us this?"

"Um, maybe the fact that he's your self-proclaimed soul mate? Why should we expect to go to the end with you when he's in the game? You mean to tell me that you wouldn't take him to the final three over one of us?"

"No! Of course I wouldn't!" Heather crossed her arms. "Look, I don't know where you're getting your info, but Alejandro and I are _not_ soul mates. We're, like, not even that close. It's hardly a relationship at all, frankly. It's more like… acquaintances. Very distant acquaintances. Definitely not worthy of being considered a threat in this game."

"Hmm… Alejandro certainly has a different perception."

"Well, Alejandro is an idiot."

"I'm not denying that," Noah said. "I'm just saying that forming an alliance with you is already an incredibly unappealing prospect, even when you don't take into account the fact that you're in a committed relationship with an even more unappealing man."

"…So I'll take that as a 'maybe'?"

"Sure. As in, 'maybe I'll vote for Courtney instead of you if you stop bothering me but there's no way I'm joining your alliance until I've exhausted every other available option'."

Heather scowled. "You know what? Fine! I can't help you see the light. You're just sealing your own fate, Noah." She grabbed Harold. "Come on, Harold. We have important _alliance_ matters to discuss. _Without_ Noah."

With that, she dragged Harold out of the clearing. Noah watched them leave, before shrugging and taking out his book.

Suddenly, a nearby bush rustled, and Courtney's head popped out of the top, covered in leaves. The C.I.T. groaned.

"What the hell was that?! How did she get Harold that quickly?!" she asked in disbelief. "Damn it! I should've made that megaphone for him when I had the chance!"

"Ah. So you and Heather technically _didn't_ split up. That's nice to see," Noah said, as he turned a page.

Courtney pulled herself out of the bush and brushed the leaves off of her head.

"Ugh… this is just _great_. Now I'm gonna have to revise my whole strategy. I _needed_ Harold! F**k!"

"If that's the case, why didn't you actually leave your hiding spot and talk to him?" Noah asked.

"I was waiting for you losers to start talking about something that _wasn't_ related to Harold's pitiful attempt to lose his V-card!" Courtney snapped. "It was so awkward having to listen to that! It went on for hours! And I HEARD EVERY WORD!"

"Ah, yes. Almost forgot." Noah chuckled. "What are your thoughts on that fun little plotline?"

"My thoughts are that if you do anything to get me involved in that plotline, _your_ plotline will end with in you in a medically-induced coma."

"Message received." Noah plucked a berry off of Courtney's shoulder and placed it in his basket. "So now what are you going to do? Aren't you going to try to get me to join Team Courtney?"

Courtney shook her head. "Hell no. I don't have the time or the patience to work with you. There are way better options. Like, literally _anyone_ else."

"You don't even want to give me your pitch? I'm pretty bored right now."

"Yes, I'm sure," Courtney said, rolling her eyes. "I'm not playing your stupid games, Noah. Unlike _you_ , I actually came to play this season. And _I_ have work to do."

With that, she stormed out of the clearing, leaving Noah alone once more.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Noah: That's a shame. I probably would've agreed to an alliance with her. You see, Courtney's a huge target, but no threat whatsoever. You know she can't win this game. I mean, she's Courtney. She'll find a way to lose. (He shrugs.) Maybe I should've humored Heather, too. But unlike Courtney, Heather tends to find a way to win. And frankly, forming a final three deal with her is pretty much a foolproof way to ensure that I** ** _don't_** **make it to the final three. I would hope that everyone knows that by now.**

 **(Static)**

 **Harold: OMG, I'm going to the final three, I'M GOING TO THE FINAL THREE! (His eyes widen.) …I wonder what will** ** _happen_** **then?**

 **(Static)**

 **Courtney: Harold was a lost cause, anyway. Heather may have won that battle, but she hasn't won the war. (She smirks at the camera.) And what Heather doesn't realize is that** ** _I_** **have my** ** _own_** **pathetic nerdling to take advantage of.**

 **End of Confessionals**

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'NO'?!" Courtney shouted, slamming her basket of berries to the ground. Cameron held up his hands defensively and took a step back.

"I didn't say 'no'! You're getting my words tangled up!" he whimpered. "I just… I think it's too early for alliances! I want to just focus on winning challenges and not worry about all that strategizing stuff, y'know?"

"'All that strategizing stuff'?" Courtney repeated incredulously.

"Yeah! Last season ended on kind of a dark note for me, to be honest. Mike told me to take it easy this time, and just have fun!"

Courtney stared at Cameron. "…You do know you're taking advice from the guy that is literally the _reason_ last season ended on a dark note for you, right?"

Cameron chuckled. "I can see your point. But that was actually Mal, not Mike. An important distinction."

"So what you're saying is that you haven't even considered forming an alliance with _anyone_?"

"Nope. No alliances. That's my motto for right now."

"Okay," Courtney said. "I have a question, then. You seem to be pretty close with that girl Scarlett. Would you ever consider voting for her?"

"No, probably not."

"Would _she_ ever consider voting for _you_?"

"No, I don't think so."

"And why is that, Cameron?"

"Well, you see, we kind of have this mutual understanding that we won't vote for one another," Cameron said, smiling.

"THAT'S LITERALLY AN ALLIANCE!" Courtney roared.

"B-but it's not!" Cameron stammered. "Scarlett and I are j-just really good friends!"

"'Really good friends' is just code word for 'really good alliance'," Courtney grumbled. "Next you'll tell me you weren't in an alliance with Mike and Zoey, either."

"Not really, to be honest," Cameron said, shrugging. "Sure, we trusted each other, and that helped us move forward in the game. But we never agreed to a formal alliance. That's not what our connection was about. What drew us together were our mutual interests, not our desire for each others' votes."

Courtney crossed her arms. "You say that like we _don't_ have mutual interests, Cameron."

"Do we?" Cameron asked, frowning.

"Of course! We have tons of mutual interests. For example, just off the top of my head: you like voting, and I like voting. We should therefore vote together. Deal?"

Cameron sighed. "See, that's the thing. I feel like all you really care about is my vote, Courtney. Beyond that, you have no real interest in getting to know me as a person."

"That's _so_ not true. Why would you even _think_ that?"

"I don't know. It's just the vibe I've gotten. Also, when I tried talking to you yesterday, you cut me off and said 'I have no real interest in getting to know you as a person'."

Courtney forced a laugh. "Oh, that was just a joke. I was just playing around. _Obviously_ I want to get to know you, Cameron."

Cameron smiled hopefully. "Really?"

"Yes! Absolutely!" Courtney exclaimed, reaching forward to place a hand on his shoulder. However, before she touched him, she paused for a moment, thinking it over. Then she slowly retracted her hand, shuddering.

"See, that makes me think otherwise," Cameron said.

Courtney sighed. "...Look, Cameron. I'll be honest. Unlike you, I'm not great at this whole 'making friends' thing. To be honest, I never really had any friends in high school. I thought that I didn't need them; that they'd only get in my way." She shook her head. "But maybe that attitude is really what's always been holding me back. All this time, I've been learning how to use people, without ever learning how to _connect_ with people." Taking a deep breath, she finally placed a hand on Cameron's shoulder. "But I want to learn, Cameron. I _want_ to build a genuine friendship with you, outside of this game. So can we start this over? Let's have a real conversation, no game involved."

"Of course!" Cameron exclaimed, beaming. "Let's do it!"

"Thank you." Courtney smiled back at him. "So, to start off, why don't you tell me about yourself? What's something I don't know about you?"

"Well, I have a _ton_ of hobbies," Cameron said. "Mainly, I really like collecting rare forms of fungal-"

"Okay, I can't do this," Courtney groaned. "I tried. But this? This just isn't worth it."

Shaking her head, she grabbed her basket and walked away, leaving Cameron standing there.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Courtney: I'm not willing to go through some elaborate courtship ritual just to get some nerd's vote, okay?! If Cameron refuses to realize on his third go-around that this is a game and not a kindergarten playdate, then there's nothing I can do. (She frowns.) But still… the fact that he's so unconcerned about strategy tells me all that I need to know. Cameron knows** ** _he's_** **not going anywhere. (She takes a deep breath.) My only option now is to make sure we don't go to the Campfire Ceremony tonight. (She smiles hopefully.) But the odds are in my favor, right? There are three teams, which means we don't even need to come in first in the challenge; we just need to not come in last. I think we can manage that.**

 **End of Confessionals**

* * *

 **Brawns Cave**

It was midday now. All of the Brawns aside from Tyler and Brick were back in the cave, sitting around in boredom.

"So when can we assume that those two finally eloped and are never returning?" Jo asked, leaning against the cave wall. "I'd like to move on with my life."

"That's the third time you've made that joke," Duncan said.

"And this is the fifth time you've come on this show," Jo said. "Do you really get to talk about 'overdoing' something?"

Duncan put his head in his hands. "Please stop reminding me."

Jasmine, meanwhile, glanced up to see Eva staring directly at her from across the cave. The bodybuilder did not break eye contact. Jasmine coughed awkwardly.

"Sooo… Eva…" she said, trying to start a conversation. "What have you been up to since… uh… your last season?"

"Lifting," Eva answered, unblinking.

"That's cool! I can definitely see that it's a hobby of yours," Jasmine said, glancing at the buff girl's massive arms. She smiled. "What else, aside from lifting?"

"No."

There was an awkward silence.

"…Huh?"

"No."

Jasmine frowned. "I… I don't understand."

"Nothing else," Eva said. "That's it."

"Oh." Jasmine paused. "Wait… so what you're saying is that you've _just_ been lifting since your season ended? That's been your only activity?"

"You got a problem with that?" Eva growled.

"No! No problem here," Jasmine quickly assured her. "It just makes me all the more glad that you're on my team. That sort of strength will be a real asset."

"Oh, so _now_ you want me on your team, huh?" Eva asked, narrowing her eyes at Jasmine.

"What?"

Suddenly, a voice echoed throughout the cave.

"Hey, everyone!" Brick called out. "We're back!"

Everyone turned in the direction of his voice, and their jaws immediately dropped. Tyler and Brick stood silhouetted at the mouth of the cave.

Jo stared at them in disbelief. "No. Way."

The pair slowly walked forward, struggling to transport their massive haul of fish without dropping any. Finally, they reached the center of the cave, and dumped the fish on the ground next to the fire. Brick wiped his hands off, grinning.

"You could say it was a successful morning out on the water," he said.

"Wow! Who caught all of that?" Jasmine asked. "That's amazing!"

Tyler glanced down at the ground, his shoulders slumped. Before he could answer, however, Brick spoke for him.

"It was an equal effort, of course," the cadet said, placing a hand on Tyler's shoulder. "Tyler and I really made quite the team."

"Okay, that's great and all, but I still refuse to believe this is real," Jo said. "My whole understanding of reality is crumbling. How are you two actually competent at something?"

"Worried about your place on the team, eh Jo?" Duncan asked as he stood up and walked over to fish pile. He placed a hand on Brick's shoulder. "Nice work, my man."

Brick blushed dark red, and rubbed the back of his neck.

"N-no p-problem!" he stuttered. "Th-thanks for the c-compliment. And j-just so you know... you're, like, _my_ man also, D-Duncan."

Jo rolled her eyes. "Great, now I've lost my appetite."

Tyler, who was still looking gloomy, suddenly perked up. "Oh yeah, it's food time! I almost forgot." He rubbed his stomach in anticipation. "I've been waiting way too long for some nutrition. Time to get my macros, baby!" The jock reached down and picked up a massive silver trout.

"Wait, Tyler!" Brick exclaimed. "Stop!"

Tyler lowered the fish from his mouth. "What? What's the deal, man?"

"You can't just eat the fish like that. We first have to-"

"Cook it? HA! I'm not that weak. Maybe _you_ need your fish served to you all fancy-like, but _I_ can eat it raw. Because _I'm_ a real man."

Grinning, Tyler opened his jaw wide and enthusiastically bit down into the center of the fish. There was a loud metallic clang that echoed throughout the cave.

Tyler glanced down, and saw that his teeth hadn't even penetrated the fish.

"...I was going to say, we first have to sort them," Brick said, beckoning to the pile. "Remember how this island is still largely mechanical? A lot of these fish are real, but some are definitely robots." He pointed to the one between Tyler's teeth. "Like that one."

Tyler lowered the fish from his mouth. "...Oh." He turned away and quietly spat a bloody tooth into his hand.

Suddenly, a hole in the ceiling of the cave opened up, and a flatscreen TV extended down from it, lowering until it was eye level with the Brawns. The screen lit up and switched to Chris' beaming face.

"Good morning, campers!" he announced.

"Welp, if I hadn't lost my appetite before, I definitely have now," Jo sighed.

"Wow, thanks for that. Good morning to you too," Chris said, scowling. He glanced down, looking as if he was fiddling with something.

Duncan crossed his arms. "...Well? Do you have an announcement or something? Or are you just gonna keep jerking off in front of us?"

"I'm not jerking off!" Chris snapped. "I'm trying to tune into the other campsites! But the buttons are, like, really hard. There's soooo many of them."

The screen suddenly started wildly spinning around in circles, before coming to a stop again.

"Nope, not that one," Chris muttered to himself.

He reached down and pressed another button. There was the sound of an explosion and screaming in this distance.

"...Definitely not that one," Chris said, cringing. He glanced down at the control panel, examining it. "Let's see... this one looks promising."

The screen suddenly switched to a video of Chris dancing in his underwear to "Mo Bamba" by Sheck Wes, prancing around in his bedroom.

"OH MY GOD! No, no not that one! Don't look!"

Jo covered her eyes in disgust. "Why would you even have a button devoted to that function?"

"CHEF! HELP ME!" Chris screamed.

The Brawns could hear Chef's voice over the music as he entered the control room.

"Jesus, Chris, it ain't that hard! How many times do I gotta teach you all the buttons?! And that you _never_ press that one in front of the kids?!"

Chris was sobbing now. "I f-forgot! I'm s-sorry! Just make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!"

"Okay, okay... just calm down... I know you're trying your best, buddy. Just relax."

There was the sound of shuffling, and then the screen switched back to a view of the control room, where Chef was now cradling Chris.

" _C-can you figure out how to tune into the other campers?_ " Chris whispered into the cook's ear.

Chef nodded, and reached over the quivering host to operate the control panel.

At the Brains campsite, Harold was practicing his martial arts by the river, swinging a piece of wood around like sword.

"HI-Y-"

The nerd was cut off as a TV screen popped out of the ground underneath him, slamming directly into his crotch. Harold groaned as he slid off of the top of the TV and collapsed down next to it.

Noah walked over and glanced down at Harold's crumpled body.

"Wow. Talk about choosing the worst place to stand."

Meanwhile, at the Beauty campsite, Justin was admiring his reflection when a TV screen suddenly swung out the palm tree next to him, slamming into his face and knocking him unconscious.

As both teams gathered around their respective screens, the screen switched back to the control room again, where Chris was now clutching Chef and softly crying.

"I'm sorry, Chef... I don't know why I said what I said last night... I need you... by God, this show would be _nothing_ without you. _I_ would be nothing without you. You're my rock, Chef. And you rock my world."

Heather put her hands on her hips. "Do you have anything actually important to tell us? Or is your 'announcement' that you and Chef are coming out of the closet?"

Chris turned back to the screen, scowling. "You're just jealous because you know you'll never have something like this with Alejandro. Something this _real_."

"Perhaps so," Alejandro sighed, gazing sadly down at the ground.

"Still, I am unfortunately 100 percent straight," Chris said, stroking Chef's cheek as he tenderly got up off of his lap. He stood in front of the camera, grinning. "Actually, you might say I'm drama-sexual. Fitting, because I'm about to bring you all the drama ten-fold! None of you teens are prepared for what's about to go down."

"Oh my God, we have a _challenge_!" Courtney gasped sarcastically. "And it's probably life-threatening and stupid! We've _never_ done _this_ before."

"Right you are, Courtney," Chris said, smirking. "We do have a challenge. Guess you figured it out. You're so much smarter than me."

"WHAT?" Tyler gasped, genuinely shocked. "A _CHALLENGE_?"

"That's right, campers! The first challenge of Total Drama: Brain vs Brawn vs Beauty is about to go underway!" Chris declared. A map of the island appeared on the screen. "Located somewhere on this island are three exclusive immunity tank-tops." An image of a black and red tank top with the words 'IMMUNE AS F**K' flashed on screen. "Pretty stylish, aren't they? Best of all, there's one for Brain, one for Brawn, _and_ one for Beauty!"

"Ew," Anne Maria gagged. "Those are hideous. Who would wear that in public?"

Chris glanced over at the immunity tank-top sitting in his closet, and wiped a tear away from his eye. He then turned back to the camera.

"People who want to defy the labels of fashion and truly express themselves, _that's who_. Anyways, your job is to find your tank-top before the others."

"Got it, Mclean," Jo said, nodding. "So the first two team to find it get immunity, right?"

Chris crossed his arms. "I don't know _why_ you would make that assumption, Jo."

"How else would a team win?" Cameron asked, frowning.

"Whoever said this was a _team_ challenge?"

Everyone suddenly fell silent.

"...Let me explain," Chris said. "After watching last night's footage, we decided that you teams were getting along way too well. Too much camaraderie and love and positive emotions. Yuck."

"How in the world could _that_ be your conclusion from watching?" Noah asked, glancing over at Heather and Courtney.

Chris shrugged. "There can never be enough delicious drama, Noah. Especially for a drama-sexual like me. So I came up with a really fun idea last night! Instead of having the teams compete against _one another_ , what if we had you guys compete against your _teammates_?"

"No!" Brick cried in horror. "No, that's not fun! That's the opposite of fun! Teammates are supposed to work together!"

"False. Do you know what show you're on? Total Drama, at its core, is an individual game. And I think this challenge will help remind you of that fact." Chris glanced down at a sheet of paper in front of him. "Let's just make sure I said everything I wanted to say. To recap: there are three immunity tank-tops. First person from each team to find theirs is safe tonight. That's all there is to it. Ready to go?"

"But wait..." Scarlett said. "If there are three immunity necklaces, what does that mean? Who's going to the campfire ceremony?"

"Oh, wait," Chris said, glancing back down at his list. "That's the part I forgot. You're _all_ going!"

"WHAT?!" Courtney gasped.

Chris smirked at her. "Still think you always know what's coming next, Mrs. Smarty Pants? That's right. Didn't think so." He addressed the rest of the contestants. "Tonight, for the first time in Total Drama history, there will be _three_ Campfire Ceremonies!"

"Hold on," Heather said, her eyes wide. "Does that mean...?"

Chris beamed. "That's right, Heather! Tonight, for the first time ever, not one, not two, but..."

Heather and Courtney dropped their heads, knowing what was coming next.

"... _three_ people will be sent home!"

 **How will the campers react, now that I've changed up the whole game? Ideally not well.**

 **Is this the sort of twist that will get me the ratings I need to stay afloat and purchase another hot tub? Ideally two.**

 **Will Alejandro take Dawn out?**

 **Will Eva take Jasmine out?**

 **Will Heather and Courtney take each other out, if they don't kill each other first?**

 **Will Chef take me out to dinner?**

 **See all of these questions answered and more on the next thrilling installment of**

 **TOTAL DRAMA: BRAINS VS BRAWN VS BEAUTY!**

 **NEXT TIME:** It's a mad scramble for the immunity tank-tops, and then a mad scramble for votes.

* * *

 **A Message from the Cheesebub:** Hello, anyone who is still a part of the Total Drama fanfiction community. It's been almost two years since I last updated this story, but I finally, somehow, miraculously have a new chapter out. It's crazy what having your computer fall apart when you're sentences away from finishing the chapter and having to start all over again can do to your writing motivation. But here I am again. And this time, I hope I can stay and actually pump out some consistent updates. I know the main Total Drama series is cancelled and all, but hopefully there are still some readers out there that enjoy a good fan-made story. If you're still reading this, let me know in a review! Tell me who you think is gonna go home from each team. Until next time!


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